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We've been on a top ramen & tuna diet since mid-summer with all my husband medical bills -- gosh, it's part of leading a normal life when you have added expenses & need to make the money stretch.
-- Edited by Path to Serenity on Thursday 11th of October 2012 06:57:24 PM
Well, it only took 3 weeks out of rehab and my AH is spiraling. He calls me to ask a question about his taxes and from there it goes off the rails. He's going on and on about not having enough money and he is stopping therapy and stopping his meds for his bipolar. I remind him I am paying for his meds and his therapy so why would he stop? He says because once I divorce him he won't be able to afford anyway so why not just stop now. He says we didn't see each other all of September (he was in rehab) and now he's out we have only seen each other a few times in October so what's the point. The point was supposed to be that he would move out of our house, show me that he can live independently, be responsible, be the new person he was claiming to be and he can't even make it 3 weeks. He is complaining that he is eating tuna and ramen and has no money. Not my problem, I'm giving him as much money as our budget will support and he is in a very nice apartment with half of our household belongings - he is very comfortable (maybe not living to the excessive standards he did when we were living under the same roof and he was spending money like Donald Trump while I was footing the bill - but he is still living very nicely). He basically has to be on a budget now and watch his spending and, guess what, he doesn't like it! So I tell him, fine, I'll just file for divorce and then you can half of the equity in the house so you can have money and he says: OH I knew your plan all along was to just divorce me. NO I say the plan was for us to seperate so you could show me that you could show me that you were capable of working a program and getting better. He said he would do 90 in 90 when he got out and would get a sponsor, he has done neither and now he is threatening to go off his meds. Manipulation? Probably. Ugh. Add into the internet grossness with these other women (once again post-rehab) and I just don't know what to do.
Do I call his mother and tell her they need to check on him, that he is heading to a bad place? Is he just manipulating me? Do I just file for divorce and let the explosion begin? I am trying to work my program and he just keeps making it impossible for me to work on me. Help?
This is indeed very upsetting. I do so understand the confusion and disappointment caused by attempting to define growth steps and proceed.in a healthy fashion where alcoholism exists Please pray about your next decision, Talk to your sponsor, get to a meeting and then go inward. HP will guide you as to how to proceed.
I know your husband has already had serious mental health issues so if you feel comfortable alerting his parents to the latest interaction, I would do so. Simply stating that you are concerned for his safety without judgment.
I'm afraid we can't wait for the other person to let us work on ourselves -- since they're sick, they can't help us in our journey to better health. In fact they're much of what we're getting better from. So we have to watch out about thinking that they're holding us back -- in fact they're the resistance that's making us stronger, like when you go to the gym, you pick up weights and get resistance and that makes your muscles stronger. If you only pick up pieces of paper you don't get stronger. So they are our weights and when we work at lifting ourselves up anyway, we get stronger.
Sadly the disease is very powerful, as we have found out. The great majority (around 75%) do not make it into longterm sobriety. It is very sad but it is not unusual. We have to keep our perspective realistic. I was so excited when my AH went into rehab because I thought things would be better and the problems were solved. I had no idea what we were up against. All along I took it much more seriously than he did, as I realize now.
Remember the three C's of Al-Anon -- you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. Those are true for his mother too.
At a certain point I realized I needed a bottom line and a plan. It took me way too long to start thinking about this and I wish I had started sooner. I had no plan apart from "He'll stop drinking and then things will be better." If he relapsed, my plan was only, "He has to stop drinking." But what if he didn't? I was without a map. But this is the important truth: if he's not working his recovery, his behavior is not going to change. The changes in your life will be up to you. That's great news because who better? I think what I might do at this juncture is to sit down with some paper and write out for yourself what steps you would take if you knew for sure he would never stop drinking. How would you protect your emotional health, your finances, your possessions? What path would you follow with him and the place he's living and separating your stuff (if you would separate it all). Some face-to-face meetings would help figure out the way forward. But remember there's no hurry to make a big decision. You can keep things just the way they are until you are comfortable you've found the right way to move forward. Keep taking good care of yourself.
Hi Trudy, I know when i started making changes the people around me didn't like it very much and tried very hard to trigger me back into rescuing them. When I was rescuing them they didn't have to take responsibility for themselves. It was so hard to stay consistent with the changes I was trying to make and the boundaries I was putting in place, but I found when I stepped in and rescued them I only ended up disliking myself a whole lot more, and they resented me a whole lot more for being controlling.
I am about 2 and 1/2 years into my recovery programme and am still making changes in how I do things as I grow in understanding of myself. This still triggers resentments and adjustments around me like ripples on a pond. Even this week I've found myself getting triggered and going into co-dependent behaviour with another person because they weren't happy with what I was doing. I also understand how difficult it is to know what's my responsibility and what is someone else's. I can find myself being dragged into the insanity of the alcoholics thinking, and arguing with them as if what they are saying is rational and true. Most of what I end up arguing about is simply manipulative comments designed to throw me off balance so that I feel guilt for having a clear boundary that I don't want crossed. If the alcoholic can turn me into the villain of their "story" so they can rest easy in their self-pity and feelings of being vicitimised, I've found that they will. This is part of their insanity and dysfunction. Engaging with the conversation as if I have any power of persuasion to make the alcoholic see differently is my own insanity and dysfunction.
I understand how difficult it is to disengage and detach from all of this insanity and dysfunction. I struggle with that every day too. I have found that staying true to my own integrity and choices to take care of myself and keep myself safe, while not stepping into the choices and personal business of the alcoholic is the only way I can maintain any sense of self worth and clarity.
You seem as though you are surprised by this. This has been his MO for a long time right? I dunno Trudy. For me, I had to detach with distance....meaning to get the Ex-A out of my life as much as possible for a good while. I am not seeing anyting concrete here that would keep you from working your program. I am seeing you struggling with fending off his insane arguments and his desperate attempts for you to enable him. There's no need discuss with him. Just do what is right and focus on you.
To answer the question regarding how to detach - that would involve stopping caretaking of him entirely and allow him to decide how he wants to care for himself. Sounds mean and harsh but until that happens, you can't detach fully. Unless the courts ordered you to pay spousal support and in that case the healthy way spousal support works is you send the money and stay out of how it is used entirely. No involvement of where it's being spent.
But that's a huge leap from where you are. Baby steps which you are already doing is how to start. Be ok that right now it's hard to fully detach and just make those steps forward. Progress not perfection!
When I got back in touch with the ex A after I had left him he was full of need, demands and confusion. Of course I stepped in and took care of so much. Eventually over time I stopped taking the calls around the clock. I also got to the point of working on tying up the loose ends of our relationship. In the interim I certainly paid lots of bills, footed lots of food and listened to all his complaints He viewed my life as a rosy colored picture and how I was not taking his needs and claims seriously. He ommited a lot about what he was going through, the drug binges, the friends who he did drugs with, the people who he always hung out with. He claimed that his family had turned their back on him. He even conjured up a move to another state in order to test me out. In fact he was always planning to move upstate but he didn't want to be encumbered with his dog at the time. I felt torn, confused, upset, overwhelmed, fed up and most of the time really angry. Over time I got to set limits around that anger ( I stopped answering the phone for an entire weekend). At some point I even stopped second guessing what the ex A was going to do and acting like I had any influence on him. Needless to say I took on his dog because I couldn't bear what he was doing to her. And at some point I did manage to extend the no's to tying up all the loose ends. No one said this was going to get easier but the tools do come in handy.
((((Trudy)))) I learned one night in a home group meeting that the disease could not do anything to my life without my permission and participation from which I learn real well to not react and to listen and learn and to ask myself "what do I want to do with this" (challenge). My sponsor was working with me on accepting the consequences of "MY" choices and not my alcoholic/addicts. he also ws teaching me about helping her efforts at being clean and sober by getting out of the way between her and her higher power.
That was all detachment work. When I got out of her way and stopped playing God she got clean and sober in a way that is still the metaphor for me of humility and commitment. That was great payback from my Higher Power for which I remain very grateful.
Go lead a meeting on the subject of detachment and ask the fellowship for help. ((((hugs))))
So they are our weights and when we work at lifting ourselves up anyway, we get stronger.