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This week is hell. My AWs actions and words are completly contradictory. E-mails of love and making up for the pain. Sexy txts to some other guy, about how she wants to be with him. So I told her to accept her fate and move out, move in with him if she wants to. She refused and she keeps telling me she will find herself and everything will be better. I really feal like she is jerking my chain. I don't think she knows what she wants. I know with her sexual abuse as a child the attention of men is very important. I dismise so much because I know her mind is diseased. But I'm an emotional wreck. Up and down and up and down. I have so much energy faith and streangth one day just to lose it all the next day or next hour.
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IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
Rellik, boy, been there - done that. My AH is a bottomless pit of need, he tries to fill it ( well besides the drinking) with attention and communication with other women. Very inappropriate stuff, it is infidelity no matter how you look at it and it hurts like hell. I too for years have excused his behavior in this arena for all the usual reasons: it's the booze, it's his abuse from childhood, it's his lack of success in the work world, and on and on. I am finally realizing he will probably never stop, he just gets more sneaky about, but is was wrecking my self esteem, we have no trust left and the bottom line for me is becoming this: if this is just who he is and what he needs, can I live with it? More and more my answer is no and trying to make him stop is an exercise in madness. Don't know if this helps you, just wanted you to know I get exactly what you are going thru. You are not alone. Hugs and prayers, ts
Sounds like your energy, hope, and faith is tied to her and her actions rather than in you and your higher power. Lots of posts are on here about judging the alcoholic by their actions and not words. Only you can decide when or if it's appropriate to walk away. I know from my own experience that hearing "Just wait...I will find myself" meant "Just keep enabling me." Having alcoholism and a history of sexual abuse doesn't give a person a free ticket to harm others. Making excuses for her so that you can drop your boundaries lower and lower for yourself is really harmful to your soul. So she is an alcohol. So she was abused. Does that mean you deserve abuse? What about you? Yeah it's sad she's so sick, but it's her life and her problems not yours. Trust your higher power more than her. Your higher power will see that this works out, whether it's in the way you want or not.
((((rellik)))) This is not trite and just simplistic Al-Anon...it is what I was taught and still practice. STOP!! and Let go and Let God....restart your day any minute you care to...acknowledge what you already know...She is very sick and you can't fix her. To attempt to do so will make you sicker. In support.
STOP....let go & let God, the Alcoholic is very sick, I know they say they have a a disease & I had a very hard time accepting that it's a disease, because I had breast cancer now to me that's a disease & I went for treatment. The diabetic has a disease & most sane people go for help for their disease. I had to take it one step further The alcoholic is sick they have a mental disease, "three fold disease" Alcohol & drugs affects the brain, the physical & emotional. You did not cause it, you cannot cure, the best thing you can do is get help for yourself, build a life for yourself, put the focus on yourself. Either the alcoholic will get well & follow or they won't either way you will come out the winner in the end. When they are crying the blues try saying to yourself detach, detach, it's just more of their junk.......Live for today, stay in the moment. If I had not got into Al Anon years ago & got myself well & someone would of told me look into the future live on hope that the alcoholic might get well I would still be in that mess. I divorced my alcoholic, here 30 years later my ex A is still drinking. What I am trying to say it will make no difference what you do or say the alcoholic will drink if they want too or get well if they want too. So look after yourself take the focus off them & put it on yourself
I have a alcoholic son, who was manipulating, conning & disrespecting me because I had stopped going to Al Anon for a few years, only been back a month, I already am picking the tools up again & starting to put them into practise. The other day he phoned & asked if he could come for coffee I told him I love him & always well love him, BUT no he cannot come for coffee for awhile as I am getting counselling. He sounded shocked said he loved me & we hung up.
Do whatever you have to do to get yourself well ...go to Al Anon meetings, keep coming back here. Sending love, understanding & support
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
I definitely felt insignificant to the now ex A. In fact I think he leaned on me for most of our relationship. I know when I left him his life became even more unravelled. Nevertheless for me personally it was impossible not to be hurt by the constant back and forth of loveyou, hate you, need you, get lost messages. I did feel like I was on a roller coaster all the time. I think at times I could believe we were good for one another. I certainly learned a lot from that relationship about boundaries, needs, limits and confusion. I also learned that I had to take a break now and again and refocus on myself. Detaching when you are in that kind of an undercurrent is very very difficult. I always felt if I did not respond that I would be lying I learned that I didn't have to give more to them than I gave to myself. Relationships don't have to be a herculean effort day and day out. Sometimes I simply had to let those red flags go and not jump up and rush in and try to make everything right.
I definitely met and cared for someone who was unloved, abused and neglected. The issue was I was neglected too and I had learned how to neglect, ignore and not be true to myself. The more time I spent in al anon the more I came to see that I had to change it wasn't that they had to change and then the focus came off them. The ex A always had some unequivocal answer to whatever deep pit of problems he was in. He always had a concise answer and I think I was in awe of that. Nowadays I know it was denial. Alcoholics can be very convincing, likeable and sociable. The problem is that underneath all that there is pure and simple desperation and incredible loneliness. I can't fill up that kind of need anymore.
(((rellik))) i feel with you. I hear that a lot too 'everything will get better'...and sometimes it does, if things are down differently then they were used to be done. My ABF behavior has changed so far that he tries to stay dry...but his head most of the time still functions as the disease wants it to function, which is selfish, self-pitying, trying to get as much attention wherever and with whoever is ready to give it, ...the disease doesn't care much for others or others feelings, I'm afraid. Which is an opportunity actually, forcing us, that we are used to care and give, to take a good look at ourselves, focus on us, care for us....letting go...and all comes as it is meant to come. practicing LETTING GO myself...it's not easy, but I can recognize the benefits of it..slowly. Big hug to you and 'I have so much energy faith and streangth one day'... lets try not to loose it anymore, and hold on tight with both hands, it's ours. we can choose to use it differently. in support
