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I first want to thank everyone for the advice and support. I will be attending my first Al-Anon meeting today. I decided not to tell my wife where I was going, but not lie about it. It is during my lunch break from work and if the wife asks, I went to get some counselling. My thought process is it is none of her business anything beyond counselling for me.
A little history, my wife doesn't get drunk when she drinks and is never hung over the next day. Last night she came home and told me this story: Our grandson's babysitter drinks HEAVILY on the weekends. The trash can is overflowing with beer cans on Monday morning. On Monday when my wife dropped the grandson off the babysitter was upstairs in bed and the husband was watching the kids, saying that she didn't feel so well. Tuesday the daughter had to use alternate arrangements for our grandson as the babysitter "had strep throat". Yesterday the babysitter was fine, no sign of any illness. The wife commented that this was obviously excuses for her being hung over. The me of last week would've started on the pitfalls of drinking, etc, etc. Last night I just said, "Yea you may be right." and said nothing more.
This morning, the wife calls me shortly after leaving for work. After a few sentences she says "I feel better." The me a week ago would've said "Well, maybe its no drinking last night." I simply said, "I didn't know you felt bad." She then said, "I will see you after work." I replied, "Have a great day." I plan on acting like the conversation never occurred.
What do you guys think? Was this "the bait" by the disease for me to engage it and did I say/act the best way?
I am so very happy that you will be taking care of yourself and attending an alanon meeting during your lunch time. I found lunch time meetings were a great tool to help me through the day.
I am also please that you are seeing your own recovery . That is truly is inspiring. .Your changed attitudes and responses are great gifts of this program. To answer you question regarding your wife---- all I can say is that It is hard to read an alcoholic's mind.
I would not venture to guess what your wife's motives were--- the most important is to say:" Your response was perfect".
Keep taking care of you act do not react and your recovery will keep growing.
I agree with Betty, your responses were perfect. I still have to remind myself to say, "You may be right, " and then walk away. I still get sucked in to AH's dramatics and exaggerations and start trying to convince him of the truth. Great job and you're already on your way. Oh, and FYI: the only reason I told my AH where I was going when I went to a meeting was because we have a child and I needed him at home. If I wasn't dependent on his availability I probably wouldn't tell him anything, I'd just live my life just like I'm giving him the dignity to live his life as he sees fit(drinking or not).
If she never acts drunk, then why does her drinking bother you? Just curious. I do feel anyone can benefit from alanon and working the 12 steps though so it really doesn't matter that much how serious her drinking problem is or is not. You are going to hear from others whose qualifiers are rip roaring drunks (but also have jobs and so forth)....just be prepared for that.
Keep the focus on you. You are trying to let go and own your own side of things. Don't worry about if it's "her disease baiting" you. This is about your unhealthy behaviors more than hers. And you actually did great by not engaging in control/blame/obsessing about what she may or may not be thinking or doing.
I have thought a lot about that. I have at times seen her start to drink on a weekend morning at 8-9am, some other things. She has also lied to me about drinking. I must admit my opinion is that at this point I'm not totally sure her problem is a big problem. I am just worried that she may be headed down the path to alcohol controlling her as opposed to her having control over alcohol, if that makes sense.
Didn't sound like you took any bait to me. Your recovery is about you and it sounds like you let her be responsible for her, sounds healthy to me. I am so glad you arranged to make it to a f2f awesome!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
To me the lying about drinking and the starting at 8-9 am would be big danger signals too. I think drinking is like an iceberg: by the time you see a problem, there's a lot more problem under the surface. Because deception goes hand-in-hand with the disease. It was not until my AH (alcoholic husband) had progressed pretty far down the road that I saw him drunk. Up till then sometimes things seemed funny, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. Eventually I found out how much had been going on, and I saw that he was a master at making everything look pretty normal -- until he finally lost the ability to put up the illusion and it all came caving in. Anyway, in my experience you are wise to think "This looks mighty suspicious to me."
I am also worried about your grandson. That doesn't sound like a safe place for him to be staying. I wouldn't want my grandson taken care of around an alcoholic even if the alcoholic didn't have direct supervision. But it sounds as if sometimes she is in direct supervision. The ways my AH endangered our toddler before I figured it out completely make my hair stand on end. He does love our child, and I foolishly thought love meant that he wouldn't do anything stupid. But drunk people lose track of what counts as stupid. I especially hope the babysitter isn't driving your grandson anywhere. What a worrying situation. Glad you have found us!
hdftby...good to have you back and great to watching you listening to others experiences and acting on the willingness to "change some things that you can"...Marvelous detachment attempts and that is tricky because the disease not only hears what we say and how we say it. The disease is sensitive in many ways and one of the ways is to those people, places and things that give off signals about how it is doing. I didn't have your early successes and that doesn't matter I got what I got when I got it and then put it to use as you are doing...Good work.
As far as bait? One of the insane things about alcoholism I have found is that when there wasn't bait I created it. I was way to over focused on what was wrong and hurting me to keep my defenses up cause that is what I knew back then until I learned something new like now.
Keep coming back...hope your first face to face is stunning. ((((hugs))))
Thanks everyone! My bad news is I got the time mixed up for the Al-Anon meeting and when I looked at the schedule it was at 11:30 and not 12:00. I do have another counselling session scheduled for next Tuesday though (first one was this past Tuesday). I was fairly bummed about missing it, but the beauty part of it is just feel much better about today. I know from talking to a friend who's father died an alcoholic that there will be good days and bad days. My wife tends to not drink at all when we watch our grandson so looking forward to tonight (he will be there). I decided to make some plans for me this weekend so if she decides to drink it up, I have other things to do.
I don't think it's up to us to decide weather another person is or isn't a alcoholic. If somebody's drinking is bothering us, affecting us Al Anon is the place to be. There are all different forms of alcoholics as there are people. Someone can only drink once a year & be alcoholic. My ex drank every day, he kept himself half pissed all the time so he didn't have to binge drink, about twice a year & then he would have black outs & wake up in some strange city, he never lost a job. MY alcoholic son drinks daily about a dozen beers a night. It his behavior, morals, values & lack of responsibility that is going down the tubes, his job is on the line & he knows it so he has started to say he hates his job & wants to quit & go on unemployment for a year, he is willing to throw away 150,000.00 a year job. What I am saying there are lots of professionals that have drinking problems, Doctors, lawyers, priests, teachers, nurses every walk of life ......I cannot save my son, I can only safe myself, get myself well again so that I do not react crazy & do insane things. So I can let go with love & turn him over to my HP
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
I am new here so not very experienced, but I think your response was perfect!
I am just starting the same. I don't see it as my partner that is poking at me for a response...its the disease! There is this poke poke poke, argue with me...acknowledge my existance so 'he' can tell you I don't exist and I can win again!
I like 'Oh, really?' and 'right, ok then!' they are useful for a multitude of statements.
It infuriates him that I then walk away... he is always saying "don't walk away, I am not done" I come back and say "Oh, really?" Kind but maybe slightly flippant without being sarcastic!
My partner rarely gets what he would describe as 'drunk' either, but he is not himself and the 30 odd units a day just sit in him until he tops up the following day.... he is not the sober man I met. You have my sympathy, but I think you are doing good!
