The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was the healthy clean living vegan totally drug free health nut, not even OTC drugs, HE was the addict who drank like a fish until he was urinating in any container he could find in the house during blackouts. What? I am sick also? I don't think so, I am the one keeping everything together, I am the NORMAL one I thought!
Now that I am finally looking at myself I GET IT!!!
Dealing with someone who has a severe mental and physical disease, who does NOT seek help and who relishes in their self destructive abusive disease has got to affect those around him. You either escape and run far far away as fast as you can, or you "adapt". Well, "adapting" to dysfunction makes you DYSFUNCTIONAL!!! DUH!!!
I wasn't "sick" when I married the A, when he was just a typical college binge drinker, but as he became sicker with his alcoholism and turned into a shell of his former self I became sick alongside him as I adapted to the crazy dysfunctional lifestyle that the disease caused him to live.
Rather than have normal discussions with my A husband, I learned to speak to him as little as possible, to try and avoid more alcoholic rages. I avoided him at all times as much as possible to avoid being the target of one of his rages. I adapted a sleeping schedule to avoid time with him. I am up at night, relishing the peace and quiet and sleep during the day while the kids are at school and he is at work. Hard to vent your rage on someone who doesnt speak to you or is asleep. Now I am used to living like this, and it is quite dysfunctional! How do I explain to my kids teachers why I am asleep whenever the call and can't volunteer during the day to help out?. They don't know what to think about me, they probably think I am the A! LOL!
I learned to live a dysfunctional lifestyle to accomodate the A and it has now become a way of life. So, now I am "sick" in that sense, and it that sense alcoholism is a "family" disease in how it impacts family members and makes innocent bystanders sick...like my daughter who recently told me she is afraid to talk to her principal becasue "he is probably like Dad, pretends to be nice and is really mean and nasty inside".
So, alcoholism IS a family disease...because their sickness infects the whole family with its evil. The disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful...and EVIL. It wants to kill the A and take everyone down with it that it can. That's what addictive drugs do to people's brains, it's really scary when you think about it!
Had I listened to the alaoners who tried to help me, had I REALLY done the program and not been so proud that I was unscathed, I woudn't be as sick as I am today from letting the disease take over the family life.
Well, I am here now, and I finally get it! Now, the work on ME begins! The A stopped drinking, but is not in any kind of recovery program. That is his own business, my business is ME!!!
Really good insight on your part and you describe the problem with ourselves perfectly. I too went from a capable, tell it like it is, successful business woman, to a nervous, edgy, "fixer" who had to watch every word I said for fear of his reaction and most of my time was spent playing detective to his criminal. Looking back it was madness. Sounds like you are in the right place and are taking accountability for your part in it, that's a great place to start. We all 'get it' here on these boards like no others, we have walked the road. Keep the faith, hugs and prayers, ts
What a powerful share!!! So very glad that you found us and can see how this dreadful disease infects everyone it in the family that comes in contact with it. Alanon's program of Recovery works when I showed up and worked it. I am happy you are back and willing to recover your self. Alateen might be a good option for your daoughter.
Please keep coming back here and sharing the journey. We cannot do it alone
Wow, that is a wonderful share. I appreciate everything you wrote. My AH 'says' he's not drinking either and doesn't have a program but I have Al Anon and I am forever grateful. I thought the same as you: I'm not sick, I'm keeping up with everything; the bills, the house, our son, homeschooling, etc. He just pitches in when he's not having a depressed day or when I finally get tired and ask him to get the laundry out of the dryer or to help me get something out of the attic, LOL.
So glad you are here and sharing your journey with us!
Great post. And you are right - the sickness didn't start with you. I think of it as a cancer that tries to feed off of of its host - the healthy cells until it invades and destroys everything around it. So glad that you found Alanon and are working a program to keep the focus on your own health.
Hit home with me..it's a family disease (dis-ease) and it infects everyone differently....I turned into someone I didn't recognize and if I had met me, I wouldn't have liked me. I marvel that I still had friends as I was so controlling. When I left my ExAH, I slowly, slowly began to regain my lost self.....and I like HER! She disappeared ever so slowly, inch by inch and I didn't even know she was leaving.
How on earth we allow this to happen is baffling....
