I found out 45 days ago that my wife of 21 years is an alcoholic. I always suspected there was a problem going on but couldn't quite put my finger on it. She was a binge drinker, mostly on weekends, who just didn't know when enough was enough. I would try to get her to leave parties when she was drunk but nothing I said or did could keep her from drinking. Her bad behavior at parties was increasing and she'd begun to act out with other men in flirtatious ways, dancing and touching. She began to push me away, both at home and at parties, so she could behave the way she wanted to behave. She began to blackout more and more frequently, required either me or friends to fill in the blanks. During her blackouts she would say the meanest things to me, forcing me to leave her at parties to fend for herself since she refused to leave with me. She usually had at least one person around who would help her out if needed until 45 days ago. We attended a neighborhood party and, as usual, she began to prime herself by drinking at our house before hand. When we arrived at the party she went one way and I went the other. I hated attending parties with her, she embarrassed me. That night was no different. I had begun to limit my drinking at parties so I could keep an eye on her, especially since I had told her I wanted her to limit her flirting. Compared to previous parties she was on her best behavior. She was still drunk, but her behavior was calmer than usual. Around midnight I told her it was time to go. The party was winding down and all the booze was gone, there was no reason to stay. Of course, she didn't want to leave and caused a scene. I left wondering why she was always so mean to me. Less than an hour later she was caught in a bathroom performing oral sex on the twenty two year old son of friends of ours. She remembers little of the incident, claiming she was blacked out, but she remembers enough to know she did what was seen. She steadfastly maintains that the alcohol made her do it, that she was out of control. She does remember telling him she wanted sex but that wasn't going to happen but that she would do something else. I'm struggling with both the alcohol problem and the infidelity. That she refuses to take responsibility for the sexual act is troubling to me. I am seeing a therapist and I'm also planning on attending an Al-Anon meeting to begin working on my recovery. Needless to say, I'm a mess. Thanks for reading and I appreciate communities like this.

I am glad you are planning on attending face to face Al-anon meetings. When I got in the doors and dived into my recovery program so many things started to make sense to me and the things that didn't where not for me to understand and that became okay too. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

That's great, Alan.

I'll share that one of the valuable things I've learned is to not put my happiness on hold until I get an apology or amends from someone who's wronged me (either for real or perceived - I've had a lot of perceived wrongs happen to me that under careful reflection were only "wrongs" because of how I was feeling at the time. That's not saying infidelity is a perceived wrong, however! That stuff hurts like hell, I've lived through it myself.)

But what I am getting at is that although your wife may be in recovery, it does not mean she's going to turn around and apologize to you for every hurtful thing she's done in the past. It will come in due time, IF it comes at all. Don't put your happiness on hold until you get those apologies and amends because you could be waiting a long, LONG time. You can still enjoy life without someone else's apologies and amends. You deserve to enjoy your life, so don't let that expectation hold you back.

 

Aloha Alan...you got my story also.  I stopped thinking that my alcoholic/addict when drunk would sex any Tom, Dick or Harry until I remembered that it was how we got together..hmmmmm so I changed the judgement to any Tom, Dick, Harry and Jerry.

Under the influence of alcohol...good people will do very bad things they wouldn't do while not under the influence.  That's an early Al-Anon piece of wisdom.

I learned that there were two women I lived with...my wife and my alcoholic/addict...being familiar with who was in the room with me at anyone time was very important.

Being able to attend 90 meetings in 90 days in my area saved my butt and her life cause I had arrived at the place where I was as much a threat to her well being as the alcohol.   Thank you HP for getting me here and keeping me in my seat.

Keep coming back Alan  (((hugs)))

Thanks pinkchip, your words are very helpful and encouraging as are everyone's. I'm taking this one day at a time and trying to live in the moment, not as easy as it sounds but I'm trying.