The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In a few days, AH will be leaving for his Costa Rica trip. It's a work related trip where his company puts all the salespeople and their spouses(significant others) up for 5 days in a 5 star hotel. This year it's at the Four Seasons resort, on the west coast of Costa Rica. When the trip was announced last year, I was soooo excited. I wanted to zip line through the rainforest, lay on the beach and read a book, go exploring, etc. Unfortunately, our lives have taken a crazy alcoholic turn this year and our marriage slowly eroded, mainly because I just don't like spending time with someone who lies to me, disobeys the law.....y'all get the picture, I'm just not happy in my marriage. ANYHOO, I chose not to go on the trip with him this year. I told him that I didn't trust him with my emotions and that I didn't feel safe emotionally or mentally around him because of many of the hurtful things he has said to me over the past few months. He understood and chose to go on the trip alone.
So, now I'm sitting here proud of myself for standing up for ME. I didn't want to be around all his work friends and their wives and stand by his side and pretend that all is well. I didn't want to feel obligated to have sex with him(because I know he expects it there since there's no kids and no housework, etc) , when I'm not even remotely attracted to him at this point, and I didn't want to have to listen to him gripe about my mom for the 2 weeks prior to the trip. (Side note: My mom flies out from VA to watch our son for us, and spends her own money. She hates trying to get to our airport to drop us off or pick us up because it's usually dark and she has bad eyesight, and we live 40 miles away. My AH has basically forced her, every year, to drop us off and pick us up at the airport. Every year AH goes off about my mom and how can a grown woman not be willing to find the local airport? What is her problem? I don't want to pay for parking, etc, etc.) Anyway, it's kind of refreshing to not listen to any of this. Almost surreal, and it's making me uncomfortable.
Then, there's the other side of me that wants to throw a temper tantrum and a hissy fit about how I'm not going on that trip after all I've put up with this past year. Isn't there a little smiley guy stomping his feet throwing a fit? That would be me RIGHT NOW, LOL! Of course, I know that I'm doing what's best for me. I also know that the feelings I have now will pass and that Costa Rica will always be there for me in the future.....that is, of course, unless it gets hit by an earthquake or volcano or something? I guess I could just use a virtual hug today. Feeling depressed that my marriage has come to this and sad that AH just wants his old wife back. You know, the one who lived in denial and avoided speaking her mind and who took his verbal abuse and who was the emotional backbone in the marriage and the one who accepted unacceptable behaviors and had no boundaries? Yeah, that's the one he wants. Sorry, but she's gone now......
It's one day at a time and you have done what is right for you. Sending lots of love and support,
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I had to do that too. We always used to go to Florida and sit in a condo for a week in October. He went alone for 2 years when he was drinking so heavily. After those 2 years he stopped going too. I wasn't in AlAnon at the time so I didn't have the support of the group around me, but I still did it for all the reasons you said. I knew his schedule for HIS life while on vacation and the only place where I was needed was for the sex. I didn't want to be around to watch him drink and pass out and he wouldn't let me drive the rental car because I wasn't on the contract so the alternative was for him to drive drunk. I didn't want to be there. I felt guilty and I felt angry. But I had a much better week playing with the kids and having a peaceful time at home.
(((ILD))) Virtual hugs coming your way. Good on you for making the right decision for YOU. Yes, an expenses paid vacation in Costa Rica would be nice. But would it be worth it to have to deal with spending time with someone you clearly don't want to be with? In my opinion, for what it's worth, I think you would be better off staying at home. I live in Guatemala and there are often earthquakes and volcano explosions. Yet the country is still here. If you want to visit Costa Rica, I agree with what others have said, save your money and plan a trip for yourself and your son. Wishing you the best.
Congratulations, ILD, for doing the right thing for YOU! These kinds of decisions are never easy, but at the end of the day it sounds like you will have a much better time staying behind. Good for you!
ILD, I am new to the forum and still a little shy about replying to others posts yet but wanted to reply to you. Way to go! Let him lie to someone else for a change. I'm sure he will tell his co-workers and wives that you didn't feel well, no babysitter, etc etc. You will actually have a much better time being at your house and not have to worry about him and his lifestyle. I encourage you to do some of the same things you were looking forward to in the trip. Do something for you. Lay around and read a book, go get a massage. If finances permit, go visit your mom in VA with your son. Maybe even still have your mom come visit. Your strength inspires all of us.
I am going to visit my mom at the end of the week and we're going on a mini-vacation to Williamsburg, VA while I'm there. My son is studying Colonial American history right now so I decided a trip to Williamsburg would be great. Hopefully the weather will be nice, too. I also plan to get a massage while he's in Costa Rica and I'm sure I'll find other ways to enjoy myself! Thank you all for the love and support!
I want to tell you how IDENTICAL my reaction was to something similar. My exRBF had a relapse in early August 4 weeks prior to a London trip. I cancelled my ticket and did not go. He did his thing, sobered up, went (it was a trip to see family there and his grandmother's birthday) stayed sober there, had a blast. It was SO hard, I was so upset and allowed myself to be upset. I just kept reminding myself that I did the right thing and I can always save up for a trip to London some other day if it meant that much.
I too visited family, I went to see my sister two states away and had a great time. Big hugs I know exactly how you feel.
