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Over the past couple of weeks, I've slowly been learning about compassion. I had no idea how to do that until now because I felt so angry and abandoned. The more I read about this being an illness, and here how strong and serene long timers appera to be with compassion toward their As, the more it's been sinking in that this is the key to detachment. I thought I would give it a go and "fake it to make it", stepping back and just trying to simply be kind. And what I've found is that I'm far less focused on my partner because of doing this, far more separate in a good way. Calmer. And it's helping me, the more I separate and detach this way, to really experience that I can't change them. And a by product of this is I'm able to even appreciate some of the good things about the person being themselves that I had a wall up to before!
-- Edited by Tigger on Wednesday 10th of October 2012 01:10:45 PM
Great share, Tigger, and it's proof that this is all truly a process. Sometimes, for me, it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back(or even vice versa at times, LOL), but I keep pressing on. I do my best to detach and I truly feel that detaching with LOVE is where compassion comes in. Doesn't mean it's easy, and it certainly doesn't mean that I do it all the time but I can see glimpses of myself 'faking it til I make it' and that maybe it's helping me see better. I have to be honest and say that I'm not at a point where I feel I want to be emotionally or intimately available to my A, but I do sense a deeper sense of compassion as I work on myself.
Right On Tigger!!!...nailed it and then passed it on. Thanks for the ESH cause that is what I need right now and what my sponsor and I were working with earlier. Compassion keeps the noise out of the work and the atmosphere calm and inviting....I'm listening and practicing. Mahalo for the lesson. ((((hugs))))
Oh, you are so very correct. Detachment means treating them with the respect that you would give any adult. In the beginning the "with love" is nearly impossible to achieve and not something to beat yourself up about. Worry more about loving yourself. I tried at the beginning to just try to treat him with simple manners and respect. To always say "thank you" and "please" and "bless you" when he sneezed. That wall that I had up was pure anger. Red hot anger. By stepping away I was able to work on myself and not focus on him. Made me much calmer and helped dissipate the anger.
Thank You Tigger Great awarenesss. Since coming to alanon I have also learned to treat everyone with courtesy and respect.
. Even if I do not agree wirh them, I can do so without saying it mean. Compassion. detachment respect, courtesy have all taken on a powerful and new importance to me/
At first I dettached with anger, than indifference, then with love and now I have dettached with much compassion for my tormented A's. I am glad you shared this, it is a good reminder to all what the program can bring. I used to have nothing but wrath for my A's and resentments and now I have truly forgiven and let go and let God. Great post.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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