I love the share, Jim, it brings back a lot of memories...

I come from an alcoholic home too, and grew up with an underlying belief that I am just not enough.

In al-anon, I learned that is a lie, of course. Turns out, I emerged from an alcoholic home with a thinking problem, imagine that. What was lacking in my alcoholic home? Love. My thinking about love and life had been distorted. So I ended up with a broken picker, as we say, and I married a man who treated me exactly the same as my alcoholic parents.

I went through the same experience as you, wanting a relationship after about 3 years following my divorce. I complained to my sponsor and she told me to wait (is that the hardest thing in recovery to practice, or what?!!!!) But she could see my codependent need to fill that big empty hole in me with another human being, so she suggested I had some work to do on myself first. I had to find love and joy and peace on my own. because saddling someone with the responsibility of providing that for me is making someone else my higher power again. It did NOT work for me in the past. and I knew it.

So I worked on that, trying to enjoy my life on my own had become my recovery work. she told me to make a list of things I like to do by myself, that bring me joy. Usually I would go to the park with my dogs, sometimes I would just walk, sometimes Id bring take-out food, or a book and just read on a bench, sometimes I would draw, or I'd go to the art museum by myself.

In the beginning, I noticed all the people holding hands. it was like my hyper focus, an obsession of mine, and I would nose-dive into self-pity and sadness with thoughts circulating in my head that I was the only one without love, the only one without a ring on my finger, aaaack! me and my crazy brain!!! Thank goodness they kept telling me I have a thinking problem. Gradually I noticed these thoughts were not bringing me joy, so I dropped them...

Gradually, I learned to stay in the present moment, noticing the beauty of the sky, feeling the sun and breeze on my skin, all the sounds and I began to smile more. One day, my dogs and I were on TV, we were photographed walking in the park. this felt like an enormous affirmation, my life was beginning to feel good. I didnt notice people holding hands as much. But when I did, I began to say to myself, yes, I will be open to that. Some day.

Almost as soon as I was finding my own joy, I began receiving invitations to go out. Then I complained to my sponsor that I didn't want anyone getting in the way of my fun, hahaha! Today, I am dating a wonderful man and I dont feel any of the pressure I did in the past. Although this is new territory for me, it feels healthy, he does his thing and I do mine. The goal for me, is to never forget my lessons of the past, to never make anyone my higher power, ever again. With my higher power, I already have everything I will ever need, my connection to Higher power is what brings me true joy. And yes, it is very, very nice that I have someone in my life who understands this, he is a wonderful companion to be walking this journey with.

For me, if ever there is a perfect place for our slogan Let it Begin with Me, it would be here. Love. Yourself. First.

Whatever you decide to do this weekend, Jim, move in the direction of bringing yourself more joy. Thats what works for me.

Just remember that we will never know what is going on in anothers head and really it is non of our business. I try not to waste my time figuring it out anymore although it used to be a favorite pasttime, judging myself through others eyes and I was mostly inaccurate when I made good friends of people and they would tell me later what they thought of me. I too feel a bit in between stages of what I want for my future and where I am at now, but it is a huge growing place to learn to take care of me and make the right decisions for myself in the mean time. It sounds like you are doing that hence the UFC fight. Trying to feel serene and content with where I am at is always something I struggle with. I work on quieting my head (stinkin thinkin) and give myself lots of healthy hobbies. Take it easy on yourself.