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I am new to the forum and so thankful i found you. My husband has been sober (drugs and alcohol) for 7 years and attends AA regularly. My situation is my husband has recently started socializing with his "old friends" again, most of whom still drink. I had started having some anxiety regarding this and when we talked he told me some of his reasons and they made sense. He has expressed that he feels strong enough in his program to finally hang out with them in some situations ( a child's bday party etc )and since a few are interested in going to AA he feels he can be there to reach out. This sounds valid to me and I have no reason to doubt this. However , this weekend he started talking to one of his friends x wifes(my husband knew her first), She recently exited drug rehab and is having a difficult time staying sober and with mental health issues.She is living with her x husband, his new wife and their children. She has no car and no way to get to meetings . He offered to take her to NA meetings. While I am trying to be compassionate , I don't think it is wise for him to become overly involved. He told me his intensions were to take her to meetings for awhile untill she can meet women and form a support group. She has been texting him everyday and he wanted to take her to a meeting yesterday morning ,but since we share a car and I had plans he couldn't. She texted him again tonight and he got dressed and came over to me and said "I know this upsets you but I am going to do what I have to do "and left. My problem is that she is a woman and that the situation might turn into something else. Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I being selfish ? Would I be wrong to ask him to bring this situation and my feelings up to his sponsor? I feel like I am going crazy . I am planning on attending an Al Anon meeting tomorrow but I am feeling so lost and alone in this .......
If i have learned anything in my short time in Al-Anon it is that even when we feel that they are, the other person is none of our business. I know how you feel, having been through a similar experience. But the trutrh is no matter what you do, he will do what he feels he needs to do. You seem to have supported him through all of this and want the best for him but you may be subconciously protecting. With that protection from you he is not really living as he should. My suggestion, one that keeps working for me is to not say a word about HIS choices. When you feel that he is making a bad choice, you have a choice to make as well you can call a friend or a sponsor, you can choose to argue and fight about it etc. All that matters is your choice. I find that establishing a firm and fair boundary that i can live with helps me to stay in perspective. If asked you can say something like " I know that you have made the choice to go to see her tonight and yes i am upset about that"
I woudl say to not worry yourself to death about his choices, if they lead back to drinking or drugs then that is his choice. It seems that you may have some insecurities within the relationship if you feel that he may develop a further relationship with this woman. You are not ther eto be walked over or to judge his choices only to live your life. His sponsor and his relationship with his sponsor are not your business. I have been very tempted to talk to my girlfriends sponsor so many times but i remind myself that she is not my business, only i am my business. The way that you feel is never wrong. But feelings arent facts either. you may feel selfish but that will pass. if you feel that you are being ignored then seek to find out why you may feel that way. i know that when i feel ignored it is because i am not doing enough for myself. You may have spent so much time being there for him atht you do not know you anymore! I know that is what made me seek help.
Try top do things for yourself. If he is at a meeting then call a friend, watch a movie or show he may not like or take a long bubble bath! Many of us come to Al-Anon thinking we must watch out for the alcoholic every second, we forget to care for ourselves! Next time you find yourself feeling this lost try to do something you enjoy. I imagine a stop sign in my head when my thoughts turn to the alcoholica agin and i redirect them back to ME. My needs and MY feelings! I keep a book around that i enjoy and a task liek a puzzle or crossword works for some just to keep the mind busy.
Getting into Al-Anon is a good suggestion for you cause after all you are all you got and need to take care of. The sponsor talk idea has worked in the past I've witnessed and it is not a guarantee. I am a double, meaning a member of both programs and In AA it is often discussed "the risky behaviors" we think we can get a way with for what ever excuse we use to get into them. One of the characteristics of alcoholism on a psychological/behavioral level is being risk takers. We "think we can" and therefore we try it. I did that type of risk taking thruout my drinking journey and the negative consequences to my life are limitless. There is no guarantees in either program that we will get and stay sober/serene forever once we get "into" the program. Our's is a daily journey and if we don't take care of our selves today often times our selves desert us tomorrow.
Perspective? Have a great meeting...take and open mind and two open non-judgemental ears and don't ever be to afraid to ask for "help pleeeeze"...just like you've done here. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I wish there was 1 good solid response to give you. I don't know if his motives are pure or not and neither do you. Furthermore, it's a breeding ground for jealousy and resentment if you continue to ponder it too much.
I know from being in AA that it should not take long for this woman to find a female sponsor. Giving her rides to meetings he is already going to is one thing - waking up early and going out of his way to be her taxi service is another. After a week or two - if this is still going on, that is more than just helping her get situated in AA/NA... I'd be more concerned about him carrying this woman and trying to be her savior rather than infidelity.
So I guess it's about expressing your boundaries in an appropriate way without sounding like you are standing in the way of him helping others. It is true that he needs to do 12th step work (help others) to stay sober, but there's plenty to be done with the folks already in meetings and rehab. I don't feel the need to proseletyze friends or go out of my way to taxi newcomers. They have to make it to the program on their own.
Not sure how you can get that across in a way that is not gonna start an argument. Something like...."I understand the need to give back to others and how central that is to your program....I wish you would talk to your sponsor about ways to do that which don't put a strain on important relationships you have. Not trying to nag..." Can't guarantee that will work and ultimately you are powerless over his response, but at least you would have stated your boundary in as tactful and calm a way as you could.
I agree that you should try to state your boundaries as best you can. I had a situation with my hubby who met a lady at "friends of Bill W." meetings on a transatlantic cruise. Of course I didn't know about it at the time it was happening as I wasn't at the meetings on the ship. But a few weeks later she emailed him and he showed me the email. (I don't know why he would show me the email unless he was feeling guilty? and needed it out in the open?) I read the email and what I saw was "bar talk" with a lady who wanted to be picked up. She was overly flowery with her language about how wonderful he was and how she will always remember and cherish how he helped her on the ship and no one in her family understands her..... Now maybe that was all true and this was just a little thank you note.
I reacted with extreme anger. Why not?!! This was all just thrown at me and I was not to react at all? I didn't know her motives. I didn't know his motives. I was supposed to sit there and smile? and say "yes, dear, you are wonderful?" I am human. I had to walk away. It took 10 minutes for me to walk back. I told him I didn't ever want to see anything like that again. And if he was going to be wonderful, he could be wonderful to ME!
Now, it is a few years later. I have grown. I have a much better self-esteem. I know I will be okay with him or without him. And if another lady thinks he is wonderful, then more power to her. I have my own life to live. I can't sit and worry about maybe's and other people's motives.
I too wish I had thee answer for you. I know exactly how you feel.
I can relate to Jerry's answer, there are no guarantee's and sobriety is not promised forever.Its a day by day deal. I know I would feel uncomfortable. Your husband could be testing himself. Alcoholics like to live on the edge, not so much because she's a woman and he needs his ego stroked, but it brings him closer to the drinking. They seem to like to walk that edge.
He is either going to drink or not, what are you going to do.?
I hope you make it to that face to face meeting, it will make you feel better, that I can guarantee.
YOu know the ex A relished when I was jealous and over reactive. I had no idea how to set limits. Of course I also had no idea how to be unobsessed about what he was doing where he was going and how I felt about it. My entire life revolved around him. I do know that intensity is something that many alcoholics are drawn to. They are also drawn to the rescue, resentment cycle. Believe me if he is carting her around to meetings sooner or later he will resent the effor that takes and want to take a back seat. Indeed in many meeting circles there are lots of people who are willing to cart around new comers. In theory he could share the task with other people. I know the ex A relished how important he was to me and he relished telling me things like I know you don't like this but I am going to do it anyway. Detaching from that for me was a great big task because every instinct I had was in there for the fight and not knowing how to set a limit. If you indeed have a issue with him doing this day in day out maybe you have to put a consequence in place. After all you share a car and in theory he is taking the car out of your environment to do these good deeds. The kind of dependency I had on the ex A was incredible. My whole life revolved around him. If indeed the A is out with the car maybe you should go out and not be available when he gets back. That would be one way of defusing the situation. I know for me I waited around for weeks, days months for the ex A to come home and the ex A knew I was always going to be waiting there. When I stopped waiting around the exA didn't change any of his behaviors but I stopped having my whole life revolve around him and his life.
Of course many many people do get into relationships with someone in AA. Indeed I know currently many a relapsed addict/alcoholic whose friends are also relapsed addicts/alcoholics who they inevitably met in some program. The maxim for a beginner in a 12 step meeting is to make no major changes for a long time (i.e. a year). Some people do indeed have no boundaries. I have been snared in by many a recovering alcoholic who was needy and desperate. The issue is I at some point backed off. Maybe that is something your husband will do on his own. In theory if he is working a program he will become aware of his resentment and readjust his life. In the meantime you can take care of yourself, detach (easier said than done of course) and learn some basics of al anon about self care, decreasing our depdency on unreliable people and getting to the basics of learning how you chose him in the first place.
