The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Different people have very different views about Facebook. Some people think that all photos are fair to post, no matter who they're of. Other people object strongly to photos of them or their family being posted without asking permission (and sometimes they don't want to give permission).
For me, I don't post pictures of anyone but myself without asking permission, just because people are often sensitive about it. I'd rather preserve the friendship than post the photos, even if the photos are totally harmless. (And any photo I'd post would be totally harmless.)
Even if we don't agree with this approach, I think we have to acknowledge that a lot of people feel this way.
I found that my ex-AH has been posting a lot of photos of our son. This does bother me. In that case I don't want to start a war, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut. But he's asked for photos of our son at various events and I'm not going to pass them along, because I know they'll end up on Facebook and I'm not happy about it. It's hard to say why I'm not happy about it -- maybe I'm irrational, but I'm just not happy about it.
Saying that posting photos means that you've "stolen" something seems a little disproportionate to me. That gives me the impression that she doesn't know how to approach a conflict calmly and helpfully. That means that it's up to you to be the calm one, I'm afraid!
If I were in your shoes I think I'd reply calmly, "My apologies. I didn't realize that you'd be unhappy if the photos were up, and I won't post photos of X and Y again." I do think you're technically within your rights to post them -- but I also think it helps promote harmony to be sensitive to others' wishes. And she certainly shares her views with many others.
(I should add that unless you choose an opt-out function which I can't find on the site, any photos you post on Facebook can be used by Facebook for their own purposes, by the rules you agree to when you sign up. This came up when a man recently found his wife's picture used to advertise a dating site. It's not likely that Facebook would use your photos, but it could happen. Of course they could also be stolen illegally and used by anyone cruising the site -- this has also happened. Again quite unlikely, but not outside the range of possibility.)
-- Edited by Mattie on Monday 8th of October 2012 01:16:40 PM
I have decided not to post any pictures of any of my grandchildren on face book for saftey reason & will e- mail pictures to my family & request that they not post them on face book. Better to be safe than sorry.
I have apologized to my Daughter in law many times for things in the past that I knew I was not in the wrong to keep the peace, so my son & grandchildren could be in my life. It does no good it just gives her more power to use against me & she will find a new thing to use against me. I cannot have her in my life. Allowing her to batter me is not healthy for me, it just keeps me sick & does not help her A great big thanks to all of for sharing & replying to my post
I really do appreciate your help, insight & all the different opinions. It gives me different ways of looking at things......I am really working on getting well again, being able to work the steps in a healthy way once again.
-- Edited by Icie on Monday 8th of October 2012 02:24:31 PM
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
Anyone here on face Book ? The reason I ask I need to know if I did wrong. I am on face-book with only family, so we can all stay in touch. My Daughter in law that has a drinking & prescription problem accused me of stealing, because I took a few pictures of her kids, my grandchildren & put them on my face book, so all the family could see my cute grandchildren....I need to know am I in the wrong, was it stealing, or was it just another way of her putting me down ? If I am in the wrong I will make amends. If not I well let it go & just not do it again.
Its really hard because with her I am dammed if I do & dammed if I don't. I am so tired of walking on egg shell to not offend her, as she will use whatever she can against me, the least little thing, like I looked at her the wrong way. If I close the door or set high boundaries it means I will not get to see my grandchildren. They are used against me as a pawn to control me.
I will be first to admit I am not perfect I make mistakes & sometimes I say things I maybe should not have said,before I think or the other person misunderstands what I meant, if I know I did wrong I own up to it & make amends whenever I can
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
I have a hard time with Facebook and people who think it's private property. The law basic truth is, anything she posts publicly, is not private and cannot be considered private. The truth is she could not do anything to you for this action. I'm assuming (correct if I'm wrong) she posted some pics, you grabbed copies and reposted. In addition you are both connected by fb?
If I were in that situation, A: I would not be friends with someone like that on facebook and would "unfriend" and "block" them. I don't need that kind of drama. B: I would probably for the sake of peace apologize in the manner of "I did not realize you felt your pictures were private on Facebook, I will honor your wishes and not re-post again".
I don't personally see anything wrong with it but now that she's explained how she feels about it I probably wouldn't do it again. But I do not think you did anything wrong and I do believe in some cases it does not hurt us to apologize on the basis of "I didn't realize that, going forward I will act differently" which is not the same as saying "I screwed up".
That's just me though, sometimes I'm an odd duck LOL.
If they were pictures off of facebook, it is my understanding that unless specified that the picture is taken by a professional photographer and not allowed to be shared without their permission, then they are public domain.
If the daughter-in-law is still an active drinker then it is very possible that she is using this as a way to "shame" you or place a guilt trip on you that is a way the alcoholic uses to try to control their environment. If however, you did take the pictures from her place of residence, then they would be considered hers and an amends might be in order, if you did not ask her permission.
I think the circumstances underwhich the pictures were taken is the key to, if you need to make amends or not; and only you know that.
Hope this helps!
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I have a hard time with Facebook and people who think it's private property. The law basic truth is, anything she posts publicly, is not private and cannot be considered private. The truth is she could not do anything to you for this action. I'm assuming (correct if I'm wrong) she posted some pics, you grabbed copies and reposted. In addition you are both connected by fb?
Strongme...I copied what you said above...You are right, it was as exactly as you posted....She posted pictures & I grabbed them & posted them on my face book.
Thank you strongme & thank you overcome
I have blocked her from my face book since this happened.
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
I had something happen that REALLY upset me in regards to the STBAX, pictures and facebook.
He is in the process of needing to impress someone about the kids. Well, I sent him 2 pictures of our youngest and found out they were posted on HIS facebook that basically made it sound as if HE was the one who took the pictures and he was being an active parent.
I decided that after that I am only going to send pictures that include us as a family AND I will no longer share pictures of the fun things the kids have going on in their life. Because he is such a jerk and has blocked me from his facebook page .. LOL .. I'm very grateful for that, it actually has been very healthy for me. My pictures only go to people I wish to share them with, .. they do not include him and the woman/women he may be dating. They have no rights to see my beautiful children. He can certainly take pictures and share them .. howevere .. because he is NOT involved and sees them so little there are no current pictures of my chldren on his facebook that HE has taken,
As far as the amends .. she doesn't want pictures to be shared it's very simple .. don't share them. I am very careful when it comes to my kids and their friends .. I will take pictures usually no one could pick any children out and know who they are based upon said pictures. I just think it's important in terms of safety, that's me and how I think.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This was a very informative thread, and I learned a lot about what can happen with facebook pictures and the safety and security of our children. Thanks for sharing Mattie some of what you shared, I was not aware of. Strange world we live in today, huh? LOL
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
FB has caused so many people drama it is crazy. I have most of my fb friends set as aquaintances and they have limited access to my account. Anyone that has caused me drama like my exAH's mom has been blocked because she can't stop trying to meddle in my life. My Mom reposts pics I put up of my kids, because she is a proud grandma and if she wants to share something I have already shared I am not bothered by it in the least. Take care of yourself even on fb. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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