The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It never hurts to have a consultation with an attorney to know where you stand. I had contacted the Bar Association (no pun intended) in my state when a friend told me I could get a consult for a very small fee. I made the call and was asked the kind of attorney I was seeking and given names of multiple marital attorneys and their phone numbers. The cost was twenty five dollars ten years ago. I got two consultations. I was able to do this by scheduling the second one in another town in the same state. I wanted that second opinion. I paid each lawyer in cash after the consultation. I quickly learned what my rights were and I felt good about taking an action on my own behalf. If this appeals to you, you can make the call in your state. The fee is likely a bit more now but likely not much. They hope after the consultation you'll hire them. I never did carry through with divorcing him at that time but I was very glad to know the facts of my situation. Hope this was of some help to you. Hugs. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 7th of October 2012 07:37:52 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Just asking because it's becoming more of a possibility that I may end up having to do that. But I'm not totally ready to throw in the towel just yet. Honestly, it would be an easier decison to make and stick with if he drank most every day. Instead he's a bing drinker and can go as long as 8 days in between binges. He's a total jackass when he drinks, mean as can be (and of course verbally abusive), and he can be violent towards objects. But when it's over we still go through what I've come to think of as a "honeymoon" period where he's a nice fun guy again and someone whose company I truly enjoy. So during that time I tend to loose that firey feeling like I have to get him to move out NOW.
Yes I do go off on my own and do my own thing when he drinks. And I do attend Al-Anon meetings regularly and read the literature.
Again... just asking because my biggest fear is since when he drinks he becomes horribly angry, if I file for divorce and initiate the legal process of forcing him out of my home, I'm worried he'll begin destroying my home during that process. I suppose if that happens (and if I can prove I feel physically threatened by his violent outbursts - threat of imminent danger is required in Oregon), I could file a restraining order. Trouble is, when drunk he never physically threatens ME. Just objects, and I don't have to even be home when that's going on. I mean I'm glad he doesn't, but the reality is it would be easier to force him out if he did threaten me. (sigh)
I own all of the books in the "Getting Them Sober" series and they are wonderful! The idea of "Alcoholics hear what you DO, not what you SAY" has been the most helpful of all. Now that I'm not nagging and scolding him all the time I truly do feel happier. It's very effective in getting me to feel better about myself. More sane. But waiting and hoping he'll get sober (book 1, chapter 37) is a different thing. I guess I need to work much harder at not expecting him to actually be sober.
It seems like there are two slightly different challenges here. One is making the definite decision, when sometimes things are okay and sometimes they're not. But I know that feeling of "Things are okay now, so what's the problem?" It's like a kind of amnesia. You want so badly to forget the bad times. For me, keeping notes and journal entries was helpful, because I could look back and see the reality of things. Also meetings and recovery work, to help keep my perspective.
I second the suggestion of consulting an attorney. Also, if he is violent toward objects, that is an unpromising sign. Sometimes things do escalate. You may also want to consult a Domestic Violence shelter for suggestions. They will have had experience with men who might destroy possessions.
You probably have an idea of whether he'd agree just to separate peacefully. Mine was pretty much relieved to go. He didn't like living with someone who interfered with his lifestyle. But the fact that you're asking suggests that your guy might be unwilling.
One way is, assuming you've gotten the legal all-clear from the attorney, is to wait till he'll be gone for the day, gather up his stuff and put it in the garage or wherever so he can get it, and change the locks. Then you phone him and tell him what happened and what he should do next. (Have someone with you when you do this, for support and as a witness. If he might be violent, warn the police.) If you can arrange for him to have a place to stay for a week or two, that helps him make the transition. But you can't wait for his okay. Because he has every reason never to give the okay, and no reason to do it. And if he's capable of fury, you want to take every precaution to protect yourself. Please don't underestimate what he might be capable of. Much, much better safe than sorry. This is not to give you a reason not to do it. If anything, the fact that he might be capable of violence toward either objects or yourself is more reason to get yourself clear. But they have a big stake in continuing to drink and in making people afraid. They'll defend that with all their wits. But our job is to defend ourselves.
I hope you have a meeting? And that you'll keep coming back. Hugs.
You got some great ESH, I was fortunate that mine went very wilingly although knowing what he knows now I don't know if that would have played out that way.
I absolutely advocate getting more than one opinion based upon the fact that you need an atty that you can work with who will do the job. These folks aren't therapists and they have to look at things in a very non emotional way.
When someone is a loaded cannon so to speak it's hard to gauge what way they will go and I go with expect the unexpected only because I can't predict what an unpredictiable person will or won't do, my safety and that safety of the kids comes first.
Anyway, keep coming back so glad you attend meetings!! Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My AH was not happy when I asked him to leave. It was a huge scene. He even hit a parked car in the front of our house while trying to speed off. He came back, I guess because he didnt want a hit and run on his record.
It was crazy, my daughter was there, it was emotionally draining... He wouldnt leave, so I packed up our stuff for the night, and left. We stayed at a friends house that night. The next day, he had packed up some of his stuff, and some of mine, and was gone. I got lucky.
I didnt care what he took, or what he destroyed... He was gone and I felt relieved. Those are material things that can be replaced/fixed. If I could have a re-do on that day, I would have done it differently...been more prepared...
A friend of mine went through the courts to get a restaining order when she asked her abusive husband to leave. She got the authorities involved as she was nervous about what he would do when she asked him to leave. The police escorted him out, and handed him a restraining order. She has kids and didnt want to put them in danger.
It is always good to be prepared by having all the information you need, but "future trippin" will make ME crazy. I pray for the best, prepare for the worst, and try not to worry myself sick about what may or may not happen.
Thank you. I do think both suggestions would be a good start. Probably the least painful would be journaling because as you say, it would be a way to keep track of things when they are bad, and they are very bad sometimes. Journaling would make it harded for me to go into denial as often as I do.
The one boundary I want to impose is not allowing him to get in my car when drunk. It's been over two months since he tried to get in drunk, so I haven't been able to "enforce" that new boundary yet. What happened two months ago is what kicked off where I am right now. We were headed off for a vacation at the beach, but he had been binge drinking all the night before. Something he had never done before in the 8 years we've been together. (I could always count on him being excited and wound up about getting away from home. Happy, like I get before a vacation.) Anyway, I was mad at him when we left. Still, I did drive him drunk to the beach with me and it was in the car I hit rock bottom. I guess I lied when I said he's never actually threatened me. That day, for the first time ever, he told me a story that he was very angry with his stepmom (40 years ago) and was driving to their home with a loaded gun in his car. I made the mistake of asking what he was planning on doing with that gun and he said "shoot her." The only reason he didn't make it there was because he was speeding, got pulled over, then got thrown in jail for a few days due to having not paid a bunch of parking tickets.
What scared the hell out of me was the fact that he would even tell me such a story! He told it to scare me and it worked like a charm. To my knowledge he's not in the habit of threatening anyone. Later on when I freaked out screaming and yelling at him for telling me about it he calmly and coldly said something like "Oh, but you know I'd never shoot YOU." Yeah, but 40 years ago he was thinking about shooting somebody. It could have been a lie. Still, when he told me that story he crossed a boundary that should never have been crossed. I love him but it's just different now. I don't feel as safe.
Thanks, I'll start with journaling. That should make it much easier for me remember just how bad it gets with him at times. I'll follow that with the attorney consultation. I think you're right... just being prepared and armed with some usable practical knowledge would be comforting.
Kate123, I also recommend a journal. I started journaling about a year ago, after almost a decade with my AH it was the first step for me. Once I started keeping track of the ups and downs, it became easier to see the cycle, what surprised me was that the 'good times' weren't as good or a long lasting as the bad. In my head prior to that I always thought it was the oppositve (denial on my part). I too was terrified to try and get my AH to leave, it took his suicide attempt - a huge scene in my quiet family neighborhood, and rehab for me to finally put my foot down. He has not been a difficult about it as I thought he would be. I think we sometimes make it worse in our heads than it will be in reality. Definately talk to a lawyer, information is power. Your situation sounds very much like mine, my AH is a binge drinker, mean as a snake when drinking, add into it his resentment of me for not being a drinker and not having the issues he has and it was just a powder keg. We are seperated now and I am finding out more things daily about him and his activites than I can stomach. It was so much worse than I knew of, mostly because I was busy working supporting him, and he was home alone all day drinking, chasing women and a variety of other horrifying behaviour. Follow your gut, get informed, you'll know when you're ready to take action. Keep the faith, we all understand! Hugs and prayers, ts
Thank you everyone. I had another big "Ah ha!" moment this week. For the last 4 years I've been banking on my AH being able to be sober because he was once for 5 years. I could never understand how it was that a person sober for 5 years would resume drinking. Working step 3 got me the answer. I stumbled across a book that explains the physical and psychological changes sober alcoholics go through. I do remember him saying he had stopped attending AA meetings but didn't know that stopping attendance was the key to the puzzle.
Bottom line is my AH doesn't want to get well. He thinks drinking "enhances" his drumming and guitar playing skills as well as enhancing the music he listens to at deafining levels of sound. He says I'm "pathetic" "boring" "a real stick in the mud who just doesn't get it." So sick of hearing him say that crap. I do get that not only does alcohol NOT enhance his music enjoyment, it angers the neighbors because he opens up all the windows (even in the cold winter) and subjects them to his obnoxiously loud music. How embarassing is that?? Then I'm the one they complain to and I share those complains with him but he shuts me down saying I'm the only one who is complaining. Such a load of bs. I've now instructed our neighbors to call the police non-emergency hotline when stuff like this happens but they must all be a bit afraid of doing that as the police haven't shown up here yet. What also aggravates me is in his more lucid moments he has shared with me that the neighbors calling the police is a long established pattern with him. What a jackass I have for an AH. He's like a 53 year old 5 year old. Never going to grow up and take responsibility.
And of course he is super-sensitive to the hurts people inflict on him! When that happens he flips out! How dare they. What's up with that? He knows the golden rule as well as anybody else. Just sick of him and his sickness.
