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My husband has always been a heavy drinker and it didn't bother me much when we were dating because his behavior didn't get out of control. Near the time we got married he was prescribed xanax and I suspect he has been abusing the two together. Long story short several angry/violent outbursts are various family functions or vacations and a dui later he agreed to quit drinking. I thought he had but now looking back I suspect he may have always been sneak drinking. Whenever I would be gone for a few days I would worry and my suspicions have been confirmed. I encouraged him to go to AA and he always said yes and I'm sorry after an incident (typically verbally abusive and very bullying) and then we'd never discuss it again because he swears it's not an addiction and he's fine if he stays away from it. We haven't been married very long (a little over a year), I"ve suggested marriage counseling, AA, rehab.. anything to try to work out our problems because always worrying about what he's doing when I'm not home makes me a nervous wreck. Well it came to a head the other night when I got home he was completely drunk and got angry and verbally abusive when I accused him, he then went to a friends (not driving) while I told him when he came back I wouldn't be there. We have since talked a few times since I have left and basically he says that his drinking will always be an issue for me and since I can't get over that we have to separate. This will almost certainly end in divorce and I feel like such a failure and that I didn't do enough to help him with his problem. He now says that he's not gonna stop drinking anytime soon and that we need to be separated for now. I worry for him, I worry he is abusing other substances and I can't figure out how he can tell me he loves me but choose drinking and doing whatever he wants over our marriage. I'm a complete wreck and I don't want to give up on my marriage but I don't feel safe when he drinks like this, and I had been keeping other incidents from my family and now everyone knows everything and tells me it was abuse and I need to stay out of this relationship. Anyone have any advice or similar stories?
Welcome to MIP, one thing you'll learn here is that you can not control his drinking. It's not your job to 'do for him' what he needs to do for himself. It's the disease of alcoholism that makes him think he's got things under control and that it isn't a problem. Underneath it all he may be suffering from shame and guilt. While you are separated I suggest you find Al Anon meetings for you and find some supportive folks to talk to. Focus on you, not on him because he's going to do what he's going to do and that, most likely, will be to drink.
Many folks in AA and Al Anon will say that he needs to hit his bottom before he gets help, maybe having you step away from him for a while will give him a chance to actually hit that bottom? If you keep rescuing him, how is he going to have the dignity to be an adult and make his own decisions, no matter how bad those decisions may be? One thing my AH told me( in one of his moments of clarity after a really bad blackout) was that the best thing I ever did for him was stepping back, letting him fall, and letting him feel the consequences of his actions. Unfortunately, I think he still has a ways to go before he hits his bottom, but he at least recognizes that I'm not going to enable anymore.
Keep coming back, read lots of stuff here, and try to find a copy of "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. I must have read that book 3 times over right after my AH got his DUI and I realized he still hadn't hit his bottom. Sending you lots of support this week!
I plan on going to an alanon meeting tomorrow. I'm just having such complete difficulty understanding... he didn't want to work at our relationship, and he definitely wasn't gonna let our marriage get in the way of his drinking any more. He's not wearing his ring, all of the pictures of us are gone from the home, my heart is broken over this. I can't figure out where my husband went... I know the issues had to have been underlying but I can't believe he just completely shut me out of his life. I don't see how there is any going back from this, he wants a separation agreement and all my stuff moved out. Has anyone ever experienced anything this extreme?
I see someone else has also recommended Al-anon and especially the books by Tobey Rice Drews.... Getting Them Sober, you can help! I have purchased and read 3 of her 4 books and all I can say is they are wonderful. They're written for current, separated and divorced spouses of alcoholics so now would be the perfect time to get the first book and start reading! I'm now busy re-reading them all again. They are life transforming. Honestly, you'll see yourself right there in those pages as though the author knows YOU and is writing about YOU and your situation. Amazing. She will explain that all the feelings you're going through and the stuff that holds you back is all completely normal. Plus you'll see that your spouse is probably just a "classic alcoholic" who dishes out the same junk that all alcoholics dish out. It's very comforting to come to the realization that you aren't crazy. Every thing you think and feel is perfectly normal.
I too am married to an actively drinking alcoholic. Like most spouses of alcoholics, living with an alcoholic spouse is too much for me too. A couple of months ago I made the mistake of threatening to thow him out. (The mistake was not following through.) I had reached the end of my rope. But like your husband he promised to "be sober" and appeared to be for several weeks. However, looking back, I now know he was sneaking alcohol too. This last Thursday he started openly drinking around me again. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. The great thing is, Tobey's book provides detailed steps of how we spouses of alcoholics can get ourselves under control so that we can make those types of decisions and hold firm. She provides very pratical suggestions and advise. So I'm now busy creating and setting up new boundaries as they become necessary, some of which he won't like but I will because they make me feel sane.
The primary piece of advise I want to share with you is the statement she makes... "Alcoholics don't hear what you say, they hear what you do." Stop talking and start doing. Don't talk at all. Your actions alone can send the messages your husband needs to receive. It sounds like your husband is playing terrible games with your mind right now anyway with all this separation business. As though the situation you are in is somehow all your fault. He wants you to believe HE'S the victim because of all the trouble you're causing becuse you cannot accept his drinking?? That's messed up! Reading her books will allow you, separated, divorced or together, to realize his drinking really isn't your problem. And then you'll start feeling better again too. And it then becomes possible to see that there is a life out there for all of us that is some much better and larger than the "tin gods" we live with. I'm pretty excited about what lies ahead. It will all work out one way or the other. Can't give up hope. After all, nothing lasts forever.
Best wishes to you. We are sisters on the same journey, and that feels pretty good too.
What might be more true is that the disease chooses them and they have no control over it. It is hard to understand but we don't have a lot to do with it. Alanon tells us to focus on ourselves and our own recovery. All the best.
Hello and thank you for sharing! I read this and what you said really hit home for me. I'm living with my partner who is active in his disease and knows it bothers me and yet continues. I grasp with not being able to control him or the situation, and slowly learning the only part I have control here is over me. I come home from work and my partner has more intoxicated than usual, and the smell of any sort of booze on his breath just turns my stomach and anxiety within me. So as tonight We won't to bed and he went to sleep immediately and snoring (as per the norm), so I got up and went to another room to sleep. I didn't have a restful sleep, as I was setting my boundaries which is a hard thing for me. I chose to walk away and sleep alone if he chose to be intoxicated. I see no point in losing sleep listening to him snore and lying next to him while my anxiety builds inside... I chose to take care of myself last night.
I got up ths morning acting cheerful and going about my own business getting ready for work. I said good morning tomy partner and gave him a quick kiss goodbye and left for work. My partner has not said a word about last night, as I have explained the consequences when he makes the choices he does. Tonight, he came home sober (to my surprise). So tonight I will sleep in the same room with him. Is he acting happy about being sober..."No", but that is his issue to deal with, not mine. Will he stay sober, from here on... Probably not as he is in denial... as only God truly knows. I pray for him and ask for Guidance for myself. That's all I can do for now until I decide to chose differently and leave. For now, Im trying to learn to focus on myself... and "yes" it's bloody hard work! I go to Al Anon meetings when I can and read the literature. Some days it sinks in and helps and other days I need to hash things out with my sponsor. Either way I will learn and grow from this. Literally is "one day at a time" right now for me, and thats O.K. Righter now.
Keep coming back and have faith in your HP, even when there are those days when you may wonder "are you sure you know what your doing up there"... ha-ha.
I do hurt inside and miss having a partner I can talk with and share, but I can't fix him only myself and so get to a meeting and learn to "focus on yourself" and "unwrap yourself from the alcoholic who is wrapped around the bottle". Bless you, your worth it!
I'm a complete wreck and I don't want to give up on my marriage but I don't feel safe when he drinks like this, and I had been keeping other incidents from my family and now everyone knows everything and tells me it was abuse and I need to stay out of this relationship. Anyone have any advice or similar stories?