The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I guess I'm yammering away here tonight. A lot of inside changes. Learning to own my power.
When I throw my honesty away for others and people-please away my discomfort that someone is manipulating me or crossing my boundaries, I end up in a self-resentment which is the worst kind of resentment.
But there's more. Here's a great reason NOT to do that: When we save others it is a way for them to get relief and not have to do their own work. I believe saving others is a spiritual crime because it's like we're pulling them away from making that choice: either God is or He isn't. Either recovery or not. Other people have to make their own choice and I don't want to stand in the way of that or take anyone farther away from God. Some even call that playing God.
I know, some deep thoughts here, for some pretty deep times
I find I do so much worse when I fix, manage and control any given situation that's where I see my own self inflicted pain, I also give that pain to others.
I love this share because I can totally relate to what you are saying.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Recently, I took that rabbit trail a step further. Including the fact that we remove their chance to do their own work, we often don't realize that the surface idea of "helping" is not done because we are thinking of them. If we look deep it is to relieve our OWN pain. It is painful to see someone we love hurting themselves. If we rescue them, we are temporarily relieved and we can rest and say we helped.
Once I got that I was rescuing someone to save me my own pain, then it REALLY hit me how destructive it is to everyone.
That was me a 100% a co-dependent mother , at the time I did not realize I did it to save myself embarrassment, helping my alcoholic son. I thought I was being a loving giving mother & when I got no credit for my help which he manipulated me into by pushing my buttons with his poor him sad little face, I felt hurt & ticked off. After all it's what I thought all good parents do is help their kids & I did not want anyone to think that I was not a good parent.
Thank you all for sharing & this thread
-- Edited by Icie on Sunday 7th of October 2012 10:48:23 AM
__________________
Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
That's right. This is what the spiritual definition of "selfishness" means. What do I want? People-pleasing and saving others is a way for me to control and manage and get relief.
There's also fear. Fear they won't like me if I have the courage to be honest.
AStrongerMe wrote:
Recently, I took that rabbit trail a step further. Including the fact that we remove their chance to do their own work, we often don't realize that the surface idea of "helping" is not done because we are thinking of them. If we look deep it is to relieve our OWN pain. It is painful to see someone we love hurting themselves. If we rescue them, we are temporarily relieved and we can rest and say we helped.
Once I got that I was rescuing someone to save me my own pain, then it REALLY hit me how destructive it is to everyone.
Thank you for this thread because it's something that's been on my mind a lot lately. I realized that I was a people pleaser, go along with everything everyone says kind of person because I was trying to save MYSELF from some imagined emotional pain. I think that's why I'm feeling depressed lately and disappointed in my past actions. I recently set a boundary for myself(unspoken to my AH or family) that I will not be emotionally abused and I will not take their exaggerations and passive aggressive ruminations without standing up for myself. So, last week when AH told me that he would 'have the dog killed' for me because obviously I want the dog killed, I realized this was a perfect opportunity to stop letting his hurtful words roll off my back. I wrote him an email and told him I was offended by his words and that I know he didn't intend for them to come out that way, but that I felt he attacked my character with both his words and tone of voice. He apologized the next morning. And, because he apologized and I said what I needed to say, I didn't carry his words around with me feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I felt so lousy.
Anyway, it's a new lesson I'm learning here. Gently telling people that they've hurt your feelings, etc is a new thing for me and it makes me very uncomfortable. I have started saying that, "My HP does not want me to live this way. He wants me to have joy, peace, and serenity. But, I can't have those things until I seek them out for myself in whatever way I feel appropriate FOR ME."
A stronger Me had a good point in her message. We're not giving them a chance to do their own work if we keep enabling and keeping the peace. I read a book recently and there was a chapter about the difference between keeping the peace and being a peace keeper. It was a Christian book and it pretty much reiterated what we're discussing here. Our HP doesn't want us to just keep the peace by shutting our mouths or accepting unacceptable behavior, in fact, it's just the opposite. Very interesting read, actually. Thanks again for the share!
It's called "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" by Leslie Vernick. Here's a quote from the book relating to the topic I mentioned above:
"Jesus called us to be peacemakers instead of peacekeepers, who pretend all is well in order to maintain the illusion of peace. Seeking genuine peace between two individuals may require tough action, especially when one party continues to be blind, unresponsive, or unrepentant."
And, this one, "For us to grow and change, we must take responsibility for ourselves, understand our thoughts and feelings, face our fears, clarify in our own minds what our problem is, and gather the courage to speak up. God calls us to be peacemakers. As believers we are called to pursue peace, which may mean risking conflict in order to bring about a genuine peace. It is not selfish to identify what you want or don't want and to share those things with others when appropriate."
I hope it was OK to quote from the book here, Amazon has it available as a Kindle book, too.
Thank you for that, and thank you especially for the quotes, as well.
I do look Christianity and other religions, teachings, concepts & books to get help and validation for 12-step principles. I am very open-minded. But I do use my discernment to pull out the parts that feel right and I don't take on what doesn't feel right, specific to the God I found in the 12 steps.
Just one thing I'll mention here and it's not in response to any one person's posts, it's something I see a lot of everywhere: When others misbehave, it is not my place to tell them what they do wrong. They have every right to act any way they want. It is also my right to say, "Well, I think I'm going to get going now," in a kind way. In this way i stand up for myself the right way.
Sometimes I ask questions, i.e., "What do you mean by that," but with most people that isn't even in order. Again, my discernment can see what they're doing so I just let them be and move on.
In other words, I don't speak up for myself. I don't have to. It won't work anyway - the world and its people will continue to themselves, and they and I each have a right to be who and where we want to be.
This is something I am truly breaking the ice on understanding. I'm having breakthroughs which are so very encouraging! Two nights ago, my AH came home from his friends house drunk (and oh how I told him how it wasn't the greatest decision, I did let him go without me becoming angry! That's a win) When he got home, all I could think was LET GO LET GOD. So I was more spiritually aware of my controlling habit than I have ever been...and I find that control is what triggers me to try to help. All the thoughts in my head said (well what if he tries to cook and starts a fire? What if the house burns down? What if he falls asleep when the stove is on, what if he tries to get my keys and drives? All these what ifs? Normally I just take care of all that stuff. But as I was lying there in bed, I realized that this piece of me that is so used to controlling things was something that is limiting my husband's ability to be responsible for his actions-------------and here it comes....HIS OWN RECOVERY! I would take care of everything so he had no need to change other than his controlling wife was telling him he had to.-------and this is a huge part of my self-resentment that I thought was resentment towards everyone else. SO your post really validated my current thought process. Thank you for sharing!!
