The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I actually decided not to read the other responses however that being said reading both of these folks in the past there is great wisdom and knowledge in these posts.
If you can find an open AA speaker meeting (or even on iTunes, there is a section in the podcast area that you can search out alanon and aa speakers). Anyway, what I have heard is there are many of them who DO go to aa meetings after having a drink or two. Honestly, it's more important that they get to the meetings than if they are sober .. let the other recovering A's deal with that aspect of things. They will trust me. Usually this happens in the beginning of recovery .... how long that lasts is going to be up to the alcoholic. The other thing is no one is required to qualify themselves as an alcoholic/addict until they are ready to do so .. sometimes that comes quickly and sometimes slowly,
I have been blessed to attend 2 open AA meetings a week and it's given me a new perspective of what it means to recover from addiction. It's not easy.
Now all that being said .. my focus needs to be removed from what the A in my life is doing or not doing .. I really need to focus on me and my recovery. My recovery does include those 2 meetings. My recovery includes making boundaries that I am comfortable with and I can stick to. My recovery includes face to face alanon meetings so that I have the support I need in order to deal with the insanity of living with active alcoholism and how it has affected me.
Keep coming back, it is going to get better, hugs P :)
-- Edited by Pushka on Saturday 6th of October 2012 09:04:13 PM
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have more questions. Surprise, surprise! My AH decided last week to give AA a shot. He has said in the past that he hated it, could never find a group he liked, etc. He never drinks in front of me, always in the afternoons before I get home from work. I can tell almost immediately by his actions, facial expressions, etc. Of course he always denies it. He drank Monday and I told him he had to do something for real this time or he would end up dead before he's 40. He decided he would try the 90 meetings in 90 days approach.
So Tuesday, Wed, Thur and Fri he went to a 5:30pm meeting. He left the house before I got home from work. During the days he would text repeatedly that he was sorry, that he needs to be a real man and husband and that he knows he has to get his life and alcoholism under control. When he got home from the meetings, AA Big Book in hand, he seemed unsteady on his feet. Overly emotional and very chatty about what he is going through and how much he likes the group. He has always been emotional and a bit of a talker, so I kinda chalked that up to him working through the first days of being sober. He said last night he couldn't wait to go back tonight at 5:30. He also apologized to me saying that he's sorry that he may have to go to AA every day for the rest of his life. I told him that was not something that needed apolgizing for.
Earlier this afternoon I asked if he was still planning on going so I knew what time to make dinner. He said "Probably, I don't know." I thought "So much for 90/90." Then he said "Yes, yes I am going." He went to leave the house without his AA Book and I asked about that. He said "We don't need it." Then he went back and got it and said "There, I have my book." He left the house. I am curious to see how he arrives home. Will he be all weepy and sentimental like the last 4 workdays or will he be silent? My guess is he will be silent about it. That would lead me to believe that he had drank those other days either before or after the meeting or maybe didn't even go at all.
So the question that keeps bothering me is is he bargaining to be able to stay in this house, this marriage? Is he really attending? Do they allow you to come in if you've had a few? Then, my mind races to am I bargaining with my life? Am I settling for this behavior because I don't know how to end this marriage? Because I am afraid no one will ever love me again? I don't doubt his love for me, I doubt if he can be the husband I want, need and deserve.
Sorry so long, just had to vent while the house was quiet.
NovSun, Hi, all I can say it has been my experience having been married to the X alcoholic for 26 years and knowing him for 30, mostly all drinking years. Is that we waste so much time trying to analize what they are thinking, what they are doing, etc. In all the years we were together , I never guessed right. I dont think that Alcoholics when in their drinking, really think on those terms. Regarding the bargaining. There not able to think logically. I do know that AA was another excuse to get out of the house and drink . Yes they allow you to go to AA if youve had a few.
My X use to go to AA and get stinking drunk on the way home, He was also cheating with another woman at the same time. I know he did go sometimes because he had the literature and a sponsor that was really nuts.
We have been divorced 5 years and he is sober, because if he drinks he will die. Thats not bad for 40 years of heavy drinking and almost dying many times along the way. He still professes his love for me. I still know I love him, but I love myself much more.
All the energy worrying and wondering about your A could be best spent on yourself. I learned that there is no logic to an alcoholic mind. I did have a few chances to glimpse the man I married, but it got less and less.
Alanon really kept it together for me thru the years and lots of meditation. Learning about myself and knowing that even before I met the A, I had trouble with boundaries.
Try and take the focus off of him, because he is gonna do what he's gonna do and you cant stop him. Keep working the program and keep coming back. Because you know it works if you work it.
When I went into treatment for spouses of alcoholics, we had a ""well"" recovering Alcoholic leading the group. He sure opened us spouses eyes, because most of us were wondering if the Alcoholic loved us or if he loved someone else more & if he loved us how could he treat us the way he did. The counsellors answer was "a alcoholic cannot love anyone he is too consumed by alcohol, he needs someone anyone to make him feel worthy & someone to knock down, con to feel good. No one can truly love anyone until they love themselves. Now that's a horrid rude awaking.
I told him about all the horrible things my Alcoholic did, his reply was ok we now know all about your Alcoholic. NOW Let's work on you, which was me & find out what is wrong with me that I am still with him. That knocked me for another loop..lol... I thought I was ok after all I was the one that took care of the house, the kids, the bills etc, but I did not have one ounce of self worth, I reacted to everything the alcoholic blamed me for. He had me believing I was unlovable, worthless, useless, ugly, fat ( I weighed 120 lbs ) & I was the reason he drank.
He told us everything that is in the books ( Getting Them Sober) from his own experience from when he was a practising Alcoholic. He told us how he manipulated, conned, verbal abused his wife & how she put up with his crap for 20 years. She got into Al Anon & finally left him & divorced him, he said no big deal he just went out & found a different women & one that would drink with him, it made no difference, he said they came a dime a dozen.He would go late to pick up the kids when it was his weekend, but anything he did with them was only to puff himself up & most times they had to do what he wanted to do or he would give them money to buy stuff while he went into a bar to have a few drinks.He was always late with child support.
He said a few do sober up so as not to lose their wife & kids, but only one out of every 10 will get real sobriety that way. He said the ones that get real sobriety are the ones that hit their own personal bottom whatever that may be. He said he just got sick & tired of waking up on floor staring at the ceiling & feeling sick all the time & being controlled by the craving for booze. He said he had no idea how crazy his behavior had become until he got real sobriety.
I also learned I was in love with the guy I thought my ex could be, but not in love with who is was the drunk. Another thing I learned where there is no trust a healthy relationship cannot exist.
So it really doesn't matter what you do your Alcoholic well do what he wants to do.....The reason we want to get well is for ourselves, so we can make wise decisions & feel happy. You are worthy of healthy love. I understand the fear of leaving & I am not saying you should leave no one can make that decision for you. I am onlt telling you my story. No one was as scared as I was...but by going to counselling, lots of Al anon meetings, having three sponsors, making friends with other ladies in Al Anon, working the program, one day at a time,turning things over to my higher power somehow I just started to feel better & was able to make healthy decisions NOT out of fear. Sure I still have set backs, I still do not work the program perfect. My Alcoholic son at times sure knows what buttons to push to get me to re-act crazy & lose my serenity, but the good thing is I only feel bad for a few hours or a day at the most. These days I do not accept the unacceptable from anyone for very long. I do whatever I have to do that makes me feel good. If it means walking away for a 5 mins, a hour, a month, a year or forever I do it.
So please keep coming back, keep talking to us, go to as many Al Anon meeting as you can , use your sponsor, do whatever it takes to look after yourself
Sending love & support
__________________
Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
Novsun, your post reminds me so much of my situation. My AH too would go to meetings, profess his sobriety, for years he did this. I always knew in the back of my mind that he was drinking, I just didn't want to face it. He got worse, his behavior got worse, his treatment t of me got worse, and I just kept chugging along trying to hold everything together. Guess what? He ultimately made a suicide attempt, went into rehab and now he's out we are separated and I continue to not only find out other things he has been doing for years with other women but now that he says he has hit his "bottom" and wants to fix our marriage, I find he is still communicating with other women while bold face looking me in the eye and lying to me! It would not surprise me if he is already drinking again.
My point is this - I kept ignoring the signs my HP was sending me, and every time I ignored it he sent me a louder message. I sadly at this point believe my AH will never be healed, he simply can't be honest with himself, to expect him to be honest with me is foolishness on my part. You will know what to do when the time is right. I know I couldn't separate from my husband until I was ready, it has taken me ten years and I still have days I doubt myself and think our marriage can be saved, but when I review our life together as a whole I know, for me, the only sane decision is to leave him. I know what you are feeling, you have all my love and support. Be strong, the answers will reveal themselves to you when they should. Hugs and prayers, ts
I would back up everything in Icies post because those words quoted from the "well alcoholic" are the exact same ones that would come from my mouth looking back at how i acted spring my active alcoholism. Active alcoholics are not capable of mature relationships. Real recovery is a long process and it takes a few years at least to get that kind of insight. I would not be too invested in figuring out his motives right now. Let him earn trust from working a program over a span of years not days or weeks. Meanwhile, you have your own life to live and you may or may not choose to stick around for him to sober up and to grow up.
Thank you all for such loving encouragement and hope. I am truly thankful for each word you all typed. It's amazing to me how much this community cares about each other and feel blessed to be a part of it.
I do believe he has been attending AA, he showed me some literature last night. He came home hopeful and open to talk. I know it's going to be a long, hard battle. But for today, I am not throwing in the towel on this marriage. For today.
We attended church together this morning for the first time in our relationship. Oddly enough, the sermon was on drifting away from your HP and letting worldy things like drunkeness come into your life. Kinda hit home for him, for us both really. He squeezed my hand when the preacher made those comments. Very small, I know, but still made me hopeful.
Thank you again! I could not get through all of this without you guys!! November Sunflower
-- Edited by NovSun on Sunday 7th of October 2012 12:19:58 PM
