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So today I am going to sign papers that will remove my name from title to our home of 25 years and give sole ownership to my STBXAH. This is both a part of our court settlement with the mortgage company and a part of our divorce settlement. I will be holding a note on the house as compensation for my share of our home. I have such mixed feelings this morning as I get ready to head out to sign the papers at the attorney's office this afternoon. I am relieved to be released from the responsibility of the house since I cannot afford to keep it on my own (and neither can he, but he appears to be in denial on this). But I am also sad over giving the house over to him. We have had to many good memories (prior the alcohol moving in!). I know that I am doing the right thing for me, but I still feel so depressed over this. He gets the house when he was the one who allowed it to go into foreclosure by failing to pay the monthly mortage (and lying to me that he was paying it). I will have only the memories of what were good times with our family in that place.
I also arranged to meet with him for appetizers after we both sign the papers this afternoon. We haven't seen each other since I filed for divorce in April. One of our daughters is getting married next year and I want to talk to him about us being a supportive, united front for her as the wedding plans begin. I also want to see where he is on our settlement. He supposedly wants spousal support, yet he will now own our home while I rent a small apartment. Huh? I'm going to try very hard to be calm, listen and not judge. I sure could use some ESH right now. I have been repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over in the last 24 hours. I am trusting my HP to get me through this day. Thanks for letting me share...
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 5th of October 2012 01:09:31 PM
Thanks everyone, for your responses- they are greatly appreciated.
Maresie, I so get what you are saying. I have to let go of this romanticized expectation that I have about our meeting. He is still drinking. He has been known to act very unpredictably in our past meetings when we were first separated. I need to really lower my expectations right now and just stay within my boundaries. I'll take any crumb of positivism that comes out of our time together today. I just want peace, and I will not allow him to take my serenity from me today. If it means that I have to walk away (which I have had to do in the past), then so be it. We have a family together and share 30 years of memories. I want to see him again and to have an amicable relationship. We'll see if this is to be.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 5th of October 2012 02:19:44 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 5th of October 2012 02:20:19 PM
Sending you lots of support. I have never BTDT with this situation but I can say that you will be fine. Just remember that HP doesn't judge us when we make mistakes, we seem to do that for ourselves the best. Be gentle on yourself and if you aren't calm, that's OK. No matter what happens, you will be OK. I'm sorry that your marriage has come to an end but it's a new chapter for you and peaceful serene days are there for you in your future. Praying for you today, please keep us posted!
I can relate and walking away from our house together was hard. I gave my exAH everything material he wanted, house and even my car that came from his grandma. I am okay and have made new good memories in my life and in my new apartment and have a different car that runs great. It does take time and you have to go through the motions of this phase of your life which is not easy. Take it easy on yourself and practice some extra self care/love. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I think one thing I have to do constantly around any alcoholic is to keep my expectations low. I can set a boundary with them but I can't then go into detail about all the logic behind the boundary. They are going to test that boundary obviously. When I expect the alcoholic to behave like an alcoholic I do a whole lot better than when I am idealizing how to do this. The ex A and I had many many strings to tie up before everything was taken care of. At times he could be very cooperative and even pleasant. At other times he was mean, nasty and vindictive. He once screamed at me in the parking lot of a storage unit. The Manager came out ready to call the police. I was embarassed but I was also able to regroup and detach and depart from the scene. Needless to say that didn't go down well with him at all. His tantrums were usually a good way to manipulate me. I really really did want to manage and have input on what the ex A did when he left the apartment we had. I wanted some vision that wasn't possible for him in all his denial. I also very much still wanted to be part of his life. And I stayed a part of it for some time. Gradually over time I was able to let go and see that my input wasn't going to have any influence. I also was able to really accept he was not going to take any responsibility for his behavior.
Overtime I have got to examine all my hopes about what we could do as "friends" or whatever I could come up with to justify my spending time with him. I think it is very very hard to let go and let god.
Just got back from signing the documents and then meeting afterwards with my AH. My HP and the ESH here were certainly at work. Things went remarkably well. We had a very nice visit and both agreed that we are ready move on. I will always be sad about giving up my ownership of our home, but it really is just a house now, not a home. I now have a more positive outlook on our divorce settlement proceedings. It was so nice to just be able to visit with him without any drama. I hope that we will continue to move forward and be respectful of each other.
God is good.
Thank you for letting me share.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 5th of October 2012 08:24:05 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 5th of October 2012 08:24:34 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 5th of October 2012 10:57:19 PM
I certainly felt like it was like wrenching an arm off to give up my romanticized, malignant hope that wasn't based on any shred of reality. Seeing reality in the A's behavior was incredibly difficult for me because I could get so hooked in on so many levels time and time again.
So glad everything went well, so hard to let those emotions go and the expectations that maybe they will be reasonable when the reality is the disease just isn't. I do far better when I have little or no contact with the STBAX vs when I have constant contact. It sounds like you got what you needed from this encounter and that is a good thing.
No one can take those memories from you. It is sad to loose the dream. The memories all of the good, bad, beautiful and ugly .. no one takes those I know I see things differently than I used to, so even some of the bad and ugly one's aren't so prominant they do remind me why I needed to move on from my own situation.
Anyway, thinking of you so glad you shared, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
