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(((((Holivex)))))...Keep doing the best you can with what you have and beg your HP to hold the lantern in front of your path and the alcoholics. It would benefit him more to call the AA hotline and ask for recovering alcoholics to come talk with him than to call you. You cannot get him sober and the pain of watching his life go down the drain without having a drink in his hand is like going thru heart surgery without anesthesia. I pray both of you find the courage and commitment to live in the minute, the hour, the day only. When I started this recovery journey I had my hand held by the oldtimers and they kept me out of the past except for review and reality and out of the future which I had no idea about.
As long as you have memory...there is no such thing as divorce...one of my lessons which is true for me. As I commit the positive of my memory to review the pain subsides...mind, body, spirit and emotions. I commit "my part in it" to active review. I had/have a part in it and I want to keep doing the "Best I can with what I have". I've been taught that only thru a constant humble relationship with my Higher Power can I have the will and the want to do the best I can with what I have. When I say I don't ever want to go back there again that includes what I was like back then.
So the prayers have been working and they will be continuing...He did not die (yet) from this fatal disease; neither of you have and you have today to move farther off from it. Good...Very Good...one step at a time, one day at a time. You and he and the kids are not alone. "Just for today, I will live thru this day only and not try to tackle all of my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt I had to do it for a life time."
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 5th of October 2012 06:43:19 AM
AH took himself to the ER on Tuesday. Told me that in order to make sure he would feel physically able to get himself there and be ok for a while, he had to make sure he drank two 16 ounce beers first. But then they had him sitting in the ER for six hours, and by the time they got him admitted and into a room, the DTs had set in. They went through four bags of fluids while he was in the ER, he was so dehydrated. His bp was 150/100, pulse rate was super high, EKG was abnormal. So he was admitted into the main hospital. He said the withdrawal was so much worse than it ever has been. That totally fits what some of you had said in response to my last post, about how relapse picks up where the alcoholic left off, and everytime the detox symptoms will get more and more intense. He's been there now for a couple of days and they have him physically stable. He has yet to see a social worker or a psychiatrist, that haven't even giving him an ETA about when they will discharge him. He is saying that this time he knows he needs to follow through when he leaves and go to rehab, and plans to ask to see a social worker today to see if someone can help him find a place to live and help him get into a program. He has no money, no credit, is debt up to his eyeballs, and our insurance will not cover in patient rehab, so the question of where he would stay while in a program is there.
The good news (I guess it's good news, doesn't feel that way) is that he said he will go ahead and sign off on the divorce. I can have everything completely on the terms I spelled out in the parenting plan and marital settlement worksheets I drafted. I tried to be very fair- I keep all my assets, he keeps his (though he really has none), we each take our own debts. He can have unlimited supervised visitation with our kids and can spend holidays and birthdays with just the four of us if he is sober and does not drink while he is here. So if he signs, we can have things finalized now. He told me he does not want to hurt me anymore or cost me any more money than he already has. We will see. My lawyer said she would try to have the settlement papers to me before the end of the workday, so I can take them for him to sign before he is discharged and disappears again.
He still feels hopeless. Wants to see the kids, and they want to see him. I guess I will take them over there, but I just don't want to get back on this cycle of getting pulled back into his disease and losing my emotional sobriety. It's so hard because I still love him very much, and to hear what he has put his body through is very upsetting. I really feel the need to see him. One day at a time, right? I have found that to be the best piece of advice I've gotten so far through Al Anon, because when I think of a lifetime ahead as a single mom, my kids without their dad, and never having any kind of relationship with him again, it is too upsetting and overwhelming. Today I can go visit and hopefully put a legal end to my connection to him. It does not mean we still can't love each other and maybe one day have a healthy relationship, should he be able to get healthy. Is this the correct way to think, or am I setting myself up again and this is my co-dependence speaking? I never know if I am doing the wise thing, don't trust myself anymore.
Holivex - That all sounded very rational and it sounded like detachment with love. I don't know that I could or would show such grace under fire. I support you. You are doing well. It shows that you are working elements of the program into all your endeavors here.
