The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why do I let myself feel this way. AH just moved out, keeps telling me how much he loves me, is clean and sober, blah blah blah. Then I am looking around one of his social networking sites (one he doesn't know I know about) and I start to see things, things involving women, him saying things to them like " you are so hot, I wish you lived in fl so we could meet" and it goes on and on. I knew he was not faithful before he went to rehab, but now for him to be professing how he is so good, working his program, can't wait to show me what a good husband he can be - and then I find this! I can't believe I entertained the idea of couples counseling and us maybe reconciling.
i have been trying so hard to work my program and then I just get sideswiped. Do I confront him w the proof in front of his therapist at our first marriage counseling session or do I just finally file for divorce without confronting him at all? I have put an emergency call in to my therapist to get some guidance. I am just so shaken and really am surprised I feel this way. How would a "healthy person" handle this?
I can't pretend that I'm an example of a "healthy" person! But I know that my lifelong pattern has been giving people too many chances. I'd end up with guys who were great at talking themself out of bad behavior. And I probably desperately wanted to believe them. They didn't mean what they did, or they were just confused, or they thought I didn't love them so they did X and Y, or they used to be messed up but they had changed. I'd believe all of it. But the truth is that leopards don't usually change their spots. When they do -- which requires a ton of hard work, and which takes a long time -- it's because they've seen that they want things to be different, not because someone asked them to.
Lots of times, the only time they really treated me attentively was when I was on the brink of leaving. Just enough to rope me back in. I'd think, "At last! This is the way I wanted it to be! Why should I leave just when I'm finally getting what I wanted?" And they'd think, "Right, got her back. Now back to business as usual."
I wish I had believed that there were more guys in the world, and that I deserved better than what they were offering.
I think getting the support and insight of your counselor and other people with healthy patterns is a good way of getting perspective. I hope you can take good care of yourself, whatever the next step is.
I agree with Mattie and even lately listen to my exAH trying to rope me back in and talk the talk, but I have yet to see him walk the walk. He always worked harder when I was gone then when he had me. Follow your instinct. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
When a person shows you who they are .. it's who they are, even if it's who they are in the moment .. I need to believe what they show me.
Until the actions match the words the words are blah blah blah .. recently I have reflected on my relationship with my STBAX and see he showed me who he was while we were dating. I chose not to look.
Completely agree with both Mattie and BF about following your instincts and counseling compliments the alanon program and for me has helped me move where I would have been stuck.
Sending love and support, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Ugh Trudy...reality sucks in this issue and then I'd also go with watch "listen" to the body language and keep going on. I'm glad I had the fellowship behind and infront and around me regarding the infidelity issue with my alcoholic/addict wife cause they helped me to forego default reactions and just keep moving on which of course took me farther and farther away from the insanity of it all. She made choices and she had consequences. Neither the choice or consequence had anything to do with me...I'm glad I learned that and used it to go on with what I was responsible for...my life. Why do you feel like a fool...fool isn't a feeling...its a thought. You were fooled and so what, you're not more than human and your life shouldn't be about scoping out other people so that life goes your way. Everybody has failings and sometimes those failings touch us. The three C's work here.
I take my failings every where I go until I change them. Everyone I know and love have failings also and then I don't judge anymore...When I start judging others I can hear that loud sucking noise as my spirit starts to leave my life...don't even like that.
You're not a fool...you got fooled. It feels sad and shameful and maybe a bunch of other stuff and still you're not a fool. Sit down in front of your HP and ask it, "Okay tell me again why you love me unconditionally" and then listen.
Trudy I feel the same way, like he's making a fool out of me. But some very wise people here with such great advice! I felt like all these responses were what "I" needed to hear too!
-- Edited by JAMIE74 on Friday 5th of October 2012 07:55:36 AM
Thanks all. Your words of wisdom always help. Jerry I loved what you said about fool isn't a feeling, its a thought. Had never thought of it that way. Pushka, I have been watching your journey as inspiration for my own. You are ALL the best!!!!! I'll keep hanging in there, I know things will get better and I suppose it's better I know and have the proof in my face, that way I can't dismiss it, it's real and I have to deal with it in reality. Thanks all!
I know exactly how you feel. I too have many times felt like a fool, because I gave alcoholics & lots of other people second , third, fourth chances & each time got burnt, used, conned, abused ...It took me a long time to wise up. If it walks like duck, quacks like a duck it is a duck.
You got some very powerful, wise replies. The program is simple, but sure not easy to always put into action!
I know for me I choose not to have anything to do with Alcoholics, because if I do I always set myself up to be hurt & no matter how hard I try to work the tools of Al Anon I lose my sanity & serenity. I end up reacting & looking like the crazy one.
Alcoholic's are masters at conning & manipulations
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
I used to do a lot of snooping, looking at the numbers on the now exA's phone and was obsessed with what he was doing. The fact is I already knew he was an alcoholic and I felt it was all personal to me. I really did believe that the now ex A gave more to his friends than me for years. I was jealous, angry and felt betrayed. I couldn't manage those emlotions so that made me even more stuck in the relationship. I got to al anon and was given a suggestion to stop snooping. The now ex A who had complained all the time about my overinvolvement in his life really didn't know what to do. Needless to say he kept up with all his friendships I was so jealous of then. Really what was I missing out on their chaos, their inability to accept reality and their procrastination. Somehow in my skewed thinking I thought there was some nugget somewhere in there for me.
I took the suggestion made to me in al anon and stopped snooping, obsessing and making him the center of my life. Of course I didn not want to do this after all he was the one with the problem. Miraculously a whole lot of energy freed up for me (I was seriously depressed needless to say at that time). I felt like I was taking care of myself. The ex A did a lot to try to hook me back in, his mysterious ways, his trips off (where he left our dogs with no food all the time) and his grandiose impossible plans that I was so so missing out on.
I know it is tremendously difficult not to give in and check up in the notion that you need to know. The reality is you already know in your gut when he is lying and pretending and not being authentic. The temptation to work his program for him is huge. The ex A never wanted to get sober, he didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing. As far as he was concerned all the problems were my irrationality (and I was irrational paranoid and so so jealous by that time). I knew the ex A was talking about me in derogatory terms ouside my presence and for some reason my thinking was that I had to persuade him otherwise. I left him 5 years ago and no doubt he has the same opinion of me and my actions and chooses not to do anything about them. These days my life doesn't hang in the balance over what anyone thinks about me because I am centered, have boundaries and am able to regroup far faster. That doesn't mean I don't have problems in my life I have plenty of them and 5 years isn't enough time to recover from the wreckage of an alcoholic relationship. I certainly do have problems but I no longer feel they are absolutely impossible for me to circumvent.
