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A few months ago, a well meaning relative told my that my soon to be exAH was going to visit our daughter and her family in Texas (which I already knew) and was then going to go to Las Vegas on the way back (which was a complete surprise to me). This information totally threw me off of my program. He supposedly is broke and is currently unemployed. He is asking for spousal support. How in the world could he afford to go to Las Vegas?!?!? I obsessed and was angry about this information for over a week, which caused me many sleepless nights, and ultimately the loss of my serenity.
Come to find out, my source was wrong. My STBXAH did not go to Las Vegas. All of the anger and obsession on my part was for nothing. I wish that I had stayed on my "side of the street." Lesson learned...
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Thursday 4th of October 2012 06:28:13 PM
So I have been doing pretty good. AH has kept his drinking to a minimum, things have been great between us this week. As some may recall he's just quit the meth, as far as I know. He's working and been pretty much back to his old self, in a good mood and even smiling...wow! (it's been a while) So anyway I am at work and a mutual friend, in general conversation, says he saw my AH this morning. Where he saw him tho he was going in the total opposite direction of work. It hit me funny because he never goes that direction for anything. Now this person was not trying to start anything at all, like I said he just mentioned seeing him in general conversation. So why did I have to ask AH where he was going before work? Why is it driving me crazy that he said he wasn't? Yes the friend could have been mistaken, it's just hard to mistake his vehicle in this small town. And I guess with all the lies recently about his using, I don't have much faith in him staying clean. I just can't seem to leave it alone. I still want to question everything that seems a little "off"! UGH! Why can't there be a switch to just turn these feelings off!!
"Why can't there be a switch to just turn these feelings off!! "...Hey now that's my early Al-Anon question also...where'd you find it?
What I was told after I asked it was, "There just isn't...accept it and let it go". That wasn't the answer I wanted and it turned out to be the solution with practice, practice, practice. Turning the feelings off came with the practice of minding my own business which was another difficult practice cause I had to accept that my alcoholic/addict wife was my wife and not my business. Al-Anon is a very different way of living an easy program for complicated people. I'm glad I hung around and kept coming back and I pray that for you also. He's your alcoholic/addict...not your job. ((((hugs))))
I'm not actually sure this is so irrational. I know people say, "Don't check up on him, don't look for evidence, don't inspect for lies." But that's when you already know what the truth is. If he's drinking or drugging or some kind of addict and he's not in recovery, you know he'll practice his addiction. But early on with my A, I was still unsure about exactly what I was dealing with. He'd say I was paranoid and suspicious, and I'd think, "Is that true? What is the truth?" After all, part of growth is being able to say, "What is my part in it?"
So I did sneak around. When he kept going down to the basement for reasons that baffled me, one day I went down into the basement. There I found the stash of alcohol, when he swore up and down he hadn't been drinking and had no alcohol in the house. When he suddenly went in the back yard for no reason I could understand, I looked out the window. There I saw him taking a paper bag out from behind a bush and glugging down a can of beer, then coming back in as if nothing had happened.
These things were good for me. They helped get me out of denial. They helped me make real choices based on what was really going on, not just on his report of what was going on.
Early recovery (or non-recovery) is an especially fragile time. We think, "Are they going to make it? Am I justified in relaxing? Is he really sober -- should I let him drive my car? Should I let him drive my child? Should I be putting the deposit on that expensive vacation next year? Or should I be waiting and seeing for longer?" It seems to me those are useful questions. Painful but useful.
After he's got some longterm recovery under his belt, then maybe relaxing is the way to go. And if he's still in the depths of the disease, then it's pointless to do all the worrying. Because we already know what the answer is.
I spent quite a while worrying, "Is his recovery going to make it? Or am I fooling myself?" That wasn't fun, but it was more fun than being fooled and then having the horrible shock of finding out the truth. It's living in that state of limbo that takes a lot of steadiness. But I do think knowledge is power.
The Al-Anon saying still applies -- "He's going to do what he's going to do -- what are you going to do?" Because if he's using again, it will become clear. If you keep your eyes open, you won't miss it. Meanwhile, whatever he does, take good care of yourself.
I would let the feelings go of asking and thinking that you are going to get some good answer or viable promise that he will stick to. As far as letting go of your distrust? Like mattie stated, you have reason not to trust him.
I want to just ignore all of these thoughts...it's just such a new concept to me to just let it be. It's none of my business. If he uses again he does. I live with it or I don't. He lives his life the way he chooses and I live mine the way I choose. Sounds so simple.
Thank you for all of your responses. No the trust will never be there and the signs will show their ugly head again if he is using again, those he can't hide. The truth will come out eventually. So no I shouldn't keep making myself crazy. I will get there! :)
I like what everyone shared and wanted to share that I believe that what you are experiencing is a direct result of living with the disease of alcoholism This is how the disease manifested in my mind as well.
The ODAT has a page that speaks to this. It says that once we find our thoughts flashing and crashing across our mnds relentlessly we must immediately use an alanon tool to disperse them. I kept repeating the Serenity Prayer or Let Go and Let Godd until I felt peace returning to being. Each and every time this started up again I used the tools as soon as I was aware of what was happening. It worked- The thoughts stopped and today I still must call on these powerful tools in order to maintain my serenity.
I am so grateful that I now have the tools to counteract my destructive attitudes and thoughts.
Someone said this in a meeting once and I liked it. "A thought can float out of your head just as fast and easy as it came in." I have to acknowledge that and let it happen. Just cuz I think something does not mean it helps or that I should keep on thinking about it. At first you have to force your thoughts onto other things. Then it can come more easily and naturally.
Just to add another thought -- I think it really only makes a difference if you will make different decisions if he's using. If you'd make the same decisions whether he's using or not, then it's something to let go of. So something to think about would be: what different decisions would you make if he's using? And if he continues to use?
Remember that your serenity is the most important thing.
Mattie I was reading a response of yours on another post and it sounded just like this relationship. He's sweet and he's sorry and swears it won't happen again just when he thinks he's gonna lose me and then when he's got me "reeled back in" he's back to using again. I told him this last time that I wasn't living that way anymore! Not with the dope, not with my son around. So if he is going to continue using, he's gonna leave or if he refuses I will. I did ask him to try to get help with this when he said he wanted to quit on his own and he refused to. He made his choice and I have made mine. I just have to stop letting him manipulate when I know inside what I need to do to take care of myself.
The ex A was the absolute center of my life. Keeping our home our relationshp together became the be all and end all of my existence. I would scrimp and save and find ways to make all the payments and pay the bills he forgot to pay all the time. What changed was at some point when he didn't pay the phone bill (and it got cut off) I didn't rush in. I let the bill stay unpaid and acted like it didn't matter (in fact my internet connection was crucial for me). I also didn't do anything when the electricity got turned off. I just didn't over react.
Detaching didn't come easily for me. I had to get to a point of making myself absolutely sick and exhausted before I was willing to try it. Needless to say I was furious at those people who claimed they could do it. And I was also pretty mad at the suggestion after all wasn't a relationship supposed to be important to you and they were suggesting I take the focus off him. Needless to say I didn't stay detached all the time and I often found myself absolutely furious and enraged at the ex A. But gradually very slowly I learned not to be the person he could count on for every single thing. I learned to put myself before him rather than last on the list of everyone and everything in my entire life.
Change is pretty difficult when you are surrounded by a sea of lies, confusion and you are in a lot of pain. In theory you are picking up the 300 lb weight when you have not got used to picking up the small weight yet. Like any skill it isn't going to come overnight but gradually it will build up. Why beat yourself up that you are not an Olympic athelete when you have just started as a beginner. Really our expectations of ourselves are all or nothing. Either I was frozen in pain, enraged, grief stricken and obessed or I was beating myself up that I put up with hiim. No wonder I found it difficult to move in the right direction.
