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...that is, the my ' Are ultimatums wrong?' But I love you all for the response! I'm not really giving him an ultimatum - he just thinks or wants to believe that's what it is. When he's here at the house quietly watching TV, I look over at him and think 'how in the world does someone who looks so good turn into a slobbering, disgusting,psycho drunk????' Alcoholism is a trip! But I am no longer fooled by what I see sitting over there watching TV. Yes, he is a good man but also a sick one. I gotta tell you this, though, because I'm not just looking at him. I'm looking at ME now,too. I've posted here fairly recently about him moving into a motel room but still coming here as though he still lives here. And essentially, he does. He just doesn't really eat here or sleep here. And I've been complaining to you all about how he just doesn't seem to get it. But as I think about, I believe that one of the reasons my 2 teens and I are able to adjust to his "moving" is that he DOES still come here and spend a lot of the day. It's really been sort of easing away and not having it happen so abruptly in which case I'd be more likely to let him back or even ask him to come back. That's how it used to be. I thought I couldn't make it on my own and I didn't want to be alone. I wanted somebody. So now here we are apart to a degree and there's no yelling, mugging, crying, or 'not talking' anymore. I am quite nice because there is no longer any reason for me not to be. I don't have to be mean anymore because I see why I don't. Never got me anywhere,anyhow,and it just made it worse for me and easier for him to blame,etc. I find myself now more at ease. I can look and him and still feel for him but there's a healthier voice in me somewhere that is kicking in and making me hear it louder: " I don't want to go back to that!". I don't want a life like that anymore. I'm seeing now that I can make it on my own. I wish we could have a good life together but if it's not meant to be,then it's not meant to be and I will survive. The fact that he thinks I'm giving him an ultimatum (as opposed to the boundaries I have set. yes, 'boundaries' is the right word) and says I can't make him do anything like go to AA is telling me something. I think I see a red flag.I think I am now ready to tell him he cannot come here and stay the way he does. He does almost everything here (now I discovered he's doing laundry) except sleep! Lucky him - he doesn't have to sleep with me and be intimate which is something couldn't do very well anymore thanks to booze. He dreaded going to bed). It's like now he's having his cake and eating it, too.(is that the way that phrase goes?). The bottom line is that I know I am getting better, I can survive without him even if I didn't want to, that I don't want that old way of being. I don't, I don't, I don't. I want to help myself, fix me, and feel good getting up in the morning (instead of pissed off, in total denial or depressed),to feel good about life. His being around us so much now. being sober, being helpful and nice may have served a greater purpose after all. It is helping me to not be fooled by it anymore! So,therefore, "if you do not get support from AA, I do not want to be in this anymore"....jaja
" I'm not really giving him an ultimatum - he just thinks or wants to believe that's what it is."
Above is a quote from you jaja. Your faulty logic is that if he thinks you are delivering an ultimatum he'll behave himself. Not so. The disease of alcoholism is much more insidious than that. An untimatum (or boundary) means nothing unless you intend to stick by it. They are slick; they catch on quickly. Your heart is in the right place...it's just that you are not thinking like an A.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
If I were him, how would I be thinking? How would I be hearing me? I thought I was saying what I mean - that he needs to deal with his problem. I do intend to not allow him to stay here. I do have boundaries but I screw up sometimes. But tell me what he's hearing. I need to know....jaja
Hello Jaya , no one can answer that question for you , only he knows what he is hearing. Often we make threats to try and force a solution as someone has already said they never work. If you have any of our literature go to page in our ODAT on July 14th that will make your part in this relationship perfectly clear, do what it says to the best of your ability and YOUR life will get better.
I hope u are attending f2f meetings for yourself before u make any hasty decissions. give f2f at least 6 months before making a decission. Go to as many meetings as you can in a week the more you go the better u will feel. Al-Anon meetings offer solutions to your delema this board is great but often ends up just a sounding board , no solutions . good luck Louise
