Hi, This is my first time posting. I dated my boyfriend for 4 years, we moved in together after two years. about 9 months ago, he showed me my engagement ring. to make sure i liked it. still hasnt given it to me because shorty after, i kinda discovered that he was addicted to vicodin. he had taken them all the time but just a couple here and there. i never thought anything of it. (i later found out that he has been on the for 8 years!!)

but i relized it was a problem and confronted him. he said he would stop. so i believed him. didnt think about it again. until a few months later, i came home to him upset. i asked what was wrong and he said his job found out about his addiction. i felt so bad that he was hurting so i just conforted him. but he said he would stop, that he had no choice. once agagin, i believed him.

he started to loose his sex drive.  i had friends telling me he was still on them, but i didnt want to believe them. until 2 months ago. i decided to drug test him. guess what!? positive. so i packed a suitcase and stayed at my parents house for the weekend. he didnt call, text, stop me nothing. until finally on the 3rd day of me being gone he called, texted, and begged me to come home.

so i did. but i said the only way ill stay is if he tells his parents. (i had made the threat before but never stuck to it). so..we went to his parents house. and he told them. they were very supportive. scared but suportive. he decided to go to an outpatient rehab. (5 days a week for 3 hours each day) he is doing great. amazing actually.

but 3 weeks ago i started feeling like WE werent okay. so i left work early to talk to him. i asked how he was feeling and his answer was "i dont know" i asked if he still loved me, if he still wanted me, if he wanted me to move out. all he said "i dont know" so i took that as i should leave. so i packed everything i own and left.. went to my parents house again. that night he texted me goodnight.

and the folowing morng he asked if i was still going to play softball that night. and i did play. its my team too. but when i got to the field he was super flirty. like we were still a couple. so of course i was happy. an sat night we had a mutal friends 30th bday party to attend. we showd up seperatly but the whole night was flirty and fun. like we were still dating just not living together. we texted back and forth all weekend. he picked me up on sunday from my friends house to drive me to my car. and kissed me goodbye. and still the rest of the day he texted me. asked me to go to the significant other therpy class. i went to bed happy. like we were working on things...just giving him space while he recovers.

out of no were, monday he didnt talk to me. same thing on tuesday. so i called him. he was driving so he said hed call me back. and didnt. wed i text him asking for the directions to the significant other class. he texted back saying i "dont have the address. but i dont think we should be together during this process. its not fair to you. i have been feeling good alone" i didnt reply because i was soo hurt. but i finally did 2 hours later saying "okay, i understand. good luck. i will alwasy love you and be here for you when you need me" and an hour later, he texted me directions to the significant other class. so i went.

the class was amazing. super possitive. they said for me to just give him time. that hed come around

the next day, he texted me our softball game time. and i showed up, and once again...super flirty. even gave me a kiss goodbye on the neck! but its now been a week since ive seen, talked, and heard from him. im hoping that he will text me our game time for tomorrow again.

sorry, this was very long and drawn out. but i need help. i want to be patient and wait for him. but im scared that im waiting for nothing. what if he doesnt come around? what if he feel in love with me on drugs, and fell out of lovewith me off drugs? how can i miss him so much and him not miss me? how do i know he even still wants to be with me? i know the addict has to get better before they can fix any other relationship. but im scared. if he loevd me, why would he break up wthi me during the most difficult time of his life?

i have been a complete wreck these past two weeks.

Thanks. I went online and googled it. I already found a bunch of places. i didnt realize how many differnt locations there were. and how often the meetings are held. I'm hoping for some reassurance. I hope that doesn't sound naive. but i want us to work out. i love him. ): so please keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks for the reply

H...your question reminded me of a poem I was given one night in a meeting when I was having the same "I wanna know the outcome" condition. I was very addicted to her at that time and of course knew next to nothing about alcoholism and drug addiction and how it destroys everything it comes into contact with.  I needed a fix...I needed her and I wanted her and was in withdrawals.  The poem card had a beautiful blue butterfly on it and it read..."If you love something...let it go.  If it never returns, it wasn't meant to be.  If it comes back...love it forever".    In my story she eventually came back...or maybe the truth is we eventually came back together.  That was several years after I let her go which included much pain and recovery and a nasty divorce (until egos quieted down and acceptance was delievered) and continuous recovery on my part. She came back sober and clean and HP arranged a spontaneous meeting where we imbraced and felt the love we didn't have when the addiction was raging.  We loved each other and had no justification to be married.  We ended at where we should have begun and I was gifted because she is my living metaphor for humility and dedication in action.  My sponsor taught me that humility is being teachable and my exwife showed me that for her being teachable was to allow herself to be blindly lead during the first two weeks of her inpatient rehab.  She wore a bag over her head for two weeks and had to be led by the hand thru those first two weeks.  She told her fellowship that unless I allows myself to be blindly led thru recovery I will never make it.  My HP used her to teach me humility.  Last time I saw her she was alive against all odds and her choices to drink and use and live a very risky life.  She was alive against all of my beliefs that she would not make it.  She was alive because she was willing...and humble.  That she was still alive and clean and sober was all I ever wanted to know.  That she was clean and sober told me that she had a Higher Power greater than Jerry F and when I let her go she returned as that beautiful butterfly.  Please keep coming back and letting us know how its coming out for you.  ((((hugs))))