Dear Sam,
I would like to write something to your post, not because I have answers, rather I am in search of understanding and finding the answers to that same questions. I'm not an expert on alcoholism, awareness about this is fairly new to me still, but I am affected by it for some longer time already I found out.
But what I am more experienced with and more personally working on for more time already with my own body and mind is depression. ( actually today I noticed I started taking up personal work by some symptoms, working my way down nowadays to the roots of the problem, working backwards, coming across alcoholism and all sorts of stuff... had to start somewhere I guess
I know that once one is in that tunnel, one can run run run, forward, backward, and the tunnel doesn't seem to have an ending, no matter how hard we try or how fast we run. and sometimes we even feel so helplessly exhausted by all that running that we feel like sitting down, pausing resting, or even want to go backwards and find that end of the tunnel where we entered in the first place. We didn't think at that time, that once entering, it would take km and km and km...well we didn't see the dimension of the mountain we were trying to cross. (I hope you don't mind me talking in images, it's best for me to describe that feeling in words.)

And depression on one side feels like a tunnel...a dark, cold, scary one, curve after curve after curve...and even therapy feels like that at times, dimming the little light there is left in the tunnel. Because we are stirring up the dirt ..and more dirt and more dirt. So vision gets blurry and more blurry...at first. Believe me, while in regular therapy, I thought about giving up more than once also, looking for other ways, or quick fixes to ease that upcoming pain. It's a human instinct also, running away from the danger. And therapy, as recovery from depression, alcoholism, addiction...I feel it is dangerous in the sense that we get pretty close to discovering reality. And that reality sometimes scares us so much because it is so much different than what we believed in in the first place. We think it s scary to wake up and see that the world and we are is not what we believed it to be. It's a personal or world revolution taking place. We grew up, been given an education and continued living, following those beliefs...not discovering, experiencing for ourselves. We were not really taught to walk alone, rather finding hold in easy crutches, isn't it...in most societies of this world (tradition, religion, values, status, family, culture ....).
Today I feel those are expectations and rules, creating pressure sometimes. And some, the most sensible between our human kind, are shaken by every emotion created by so much pressure, crashed by the load even sometimes. I am not finding excuses, nor saying escape is the right solution, nor pitying none of us. But I can understand, relate, or even feel the same at times.
the key is courage, and dismantling the fears that come along, and standing up for ourselves. And building up courage, hell that takes time. and sometimes distress and sometimes hitting bottom of bottom first. especially for those under influence of substances. Because we are then addicted, that's where we gave away all control, without realizing it, we entered the tunnel out of curiosity only, not necessarily knowing where it would lead us.
maybe don't try to understand the 'now', but see the 'back then'. after that it is a following of events. If an A could give it away for free today, I think he would do it. i would have opened a buy-one-get-one-free stand for my parts of depression at the time, as much as I was suffering. But it's not a simple choice, at least I can recognize it as such (and believe me it gets me angry and desperate at days too!!!!) It's work, scary work, tiring work, exhausting work...some make it out of the tunnel, strong enough, or at least with enough pieces to rebuild themselves, some get stuck, unfortunately, because they are in it for too long, or because they lost courage, hope and faith...in themselves, in others, in the world, because every person is different in endurance, in strength, in love, in belief...individually.
with depression, some days you get lucky to get an insight, a feel for what life used to feel like, a window to reality....some days you don't. It's what one makes with that open window during one day, what makes all the differences.Today I believe in the slogan: One day at a time.
And I am a student of patience for myself...moving slowly... at least not stuck.

Thank you for your questions. asking, thinking, letting go..moving on. there is light at the end of the tunnel.
in support (((HUGS)))

I have had both depression and alcoholism since my early 20's too. I just know that being taken care of would have killed me. I needed to function on my own in the world and be responsible to get better. If you take away the responsibilty of daily living for a depressed person, alcoholic, or dually diagnosed person, you take away large elements of their internal motivation to get sober.

Alcoholism is not a disease like cancer. It is a disease like diabetes....but not even so much that because sugar doesn't have as much of a draw for diabetics as alcohol does for alcoholics (or drugs for addicts). Besides, you are not "kicking your brother to the streets to be homeless." He is doing that to himself. If you scoop him up, you are giving him lifelong permission to play victim.

There are choices involved in seeking treatment, but drugs and alcohol numb you to the point that you do not care about what is right and only act to make the current state of inner pain go away. This happens repeatedly until the alcoholic/addict is unable to cope with life challenges. That is most certainly a disease. He may obtain moments of clarity where recovery and the need to enter into it are apparent. Whether he sticks with it is out of your hands.

There are different "bottoms" for everyone.  Some people have to go to the point of getting really ill before they are ready to say I need something else. 

I can certainly relate to the issue of someone medicating their depression and giving up.  For me the issue is that I was far more interested in what the spectacle was going on around me and what was up with other people rather than myself. I prided msyelf on "knowing the alcoholic" and trying to anticipate his needs.  That was because I was so invovled in trying to manage my own abandonment issues.  I have two sisters who are alcoholic, they have both had many pivot points where their alcoholism caused tremendous problems for them.  At the same time, like me they come from a very abusive background and they don't know how to handle that. Alcohol is something they use to handle their issues.  So when I deal with my sisters in any way I have had to acknowledge they simply cannot deal with the childhood we had and will never be available to me on that issue.  I have had to grieve long and hard about that.

In al anon we have to look at what taking care of someone is in the reference to cancer.  If you know someone who has cancer who is still smoking would you go buy them cigarettes when they were unable to go to the store?  Would you encourage them to go off the diet that was prescribed for them.  When we deal with alcoholics we can get ensnared in what our view of "caring" is and what enabling is.  Enabling is doing for others what they should and are capable of doing for themselves.   Certainly people with cancer need help, care and understand and no we wouldn't kick them out on the doorstep but would we join up with them in making their illness worse.  If and when we enable the alcoholic (and no one is going to judge someone who does) we are actually making their "illness" worse. When we say they are not capable of making better choices in their life and we do it for them we are not honoring that they are capable of doing more for themselves.  Certainly any alcoholic has my compassion and understanding.  I have had my own issues with dealing with behaviors that were absolutely destructive.  These days caring for others is not my priority, caring for me and my pets is my priority.  Caring for others is way down the list. I had to do a lot of grieving to get there.

I hope you will find a way to let al anon in your life.  Certainly every day I am confused about what to do next. That is one reason I have a sponsor to bounce things off.  I also have a good base of being willing to do something other than what I have done before. I am willing to let go of I know, I am better than, I need to save everyone else but me.

maresie.

Hi MIP Family

Everyone has posted powerful respponses to this question. i would like to point out that John, Our Board Founder has posted a "Stickly" at the top of this Board that addresses this issue in a informatiove manner Here is the link

STICKY: Why Alcoholism is "categorized/listed" as a disease by AMA (explained)

 

 

((((Sam)))) there is soooo much to learn and experience about the disease of addiction just so I can reach that level of knowing and knowing that I know...just for me.  It took time for me...lottsa time and then lottsa time just one day at a time.  I was told to relax and take time.  The disease is an old old disease and I couldn't hope to just "get it" over night.  It didn't take over night to get there.   I had "why" questions and then learned that having "why" questions without the willingness to accept responses only led to more "why" questions.  I was led to accepting the "fact" of alcoholism and drug addiction...the "it is" without the "Why" it is and then I reached relaxation and could go on with my life...my life "is" also I had to also accept that fact and start living it.  I detached from the alcoholics and addicts in my life and didn't abandon them. I am a loving, caring person so abandonment isn't one of my behaviors...you are that way too...celebrate it and allow him the dignity of his choices...and the consequences.  You can try to fit an abnormal condition into normal judgement or perspective and then you already know that isn't a rational thing to attempt...it doesn't work...it ends in confusion and so maybe the confusion you are dealing with isn't about what he is doing or where he is at and how you are not accepting the reality of it.

Part of the reality...just part...is that he is now and has been over time, using chemicals which alter how he perceives life and what and how he needs to do to exist in it.  You look at the picture and see one thing and he looks at it and sees something very very different.  Part of the reality...just...part is that the chemicals have re-engineered how he thinks, how he feels and how he intends to live his day out.  They have already re-engineered his body.  He has in his entire body...every cell...a chemical or chemicals which are not "normal" to the human person, one of those being you.  He has to do different than you to be here...just to exist here.

I've seen too many miracles in recovery...some of them my own...not to know that you and your brother will not have those yourself after you surrender absolutely to a power greater than yourselves.  I automatically submit this to my Higher Power and take on the belief that the situation will get better outside of my control.

I pray for your peace of mind and serenity and your brothers willingness to scream "Uncle...I'm done!!"

Keep coming back ((((hugs))))