The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
working through the program, and doing great I think, with all that came along lately. Really loving myself more, but still: sometimes anger comes back (anger, I discovered during my program, is my 'best friend' that always sticks around, like a shadow...but I actually don't like him so much really, just don't know how to tell him), sometimes anxiety comes back,sometimes strength and courage are just not visiting me. sometimes the inpatience and doubts strike me and make me do wrong, think wrong. It seems I can't even distinguish anymore what is the difference between acting and re-acting. So much that today I felt like going invisible again, because I think that I do bad things, think bad things, expect bad things.... and of course with that attitude bad things come along. It's the law.
the fact that I am moving along with my ABF (gone sober lately but still acting upon alcoholic impulses), who is very much in doubt and lack of love himself, doesn't give me a clearer head. I don't want to decide wether to leave or to stay, because I can't right now. That's not the issue, because I am not doubting my love for him, nor for myself. He has his struggle, I have mine, for different reasons. I just want to go immobile, shut down my ears, not react anymore. But I cannot stop the world from turning, can I? Super-me...daaaaa
Today is a day where I actively surrender to HP in trust, that all comes as it has to come. Not completely without fear, I admit. But I simply don't know anymore what is right, what is wrong, where i do more bad with my saying and acting then the intented good ..to myself and others.. It hurts also, I feel crap... 'Feeling' actually is the only mechanism that seems to work currently in my body, and it SUCKS!!! can anybody push the OFF button please!
My ABF put it nicely today too: 'when you are not there i miss you, when you are there i feel like i am punched pushed crashed'...
and I can relate very much to that , I feel the same.
I am working on my 4th step also, but in this state of mind currently I find it really hard to proceed.
I'm stuck....
Thank you for letting me share.
I love MIP.
-- Edited by tortuga on Sunday 30th of September 2012 07:19:01 AM
Doing 4th step is really a big deal. It calls up so many emotions in us. It can be beneficial to feel the feelings and release them in the 4th and 5th steps. Your higher power is going to play a big role in your willingness to heal the past and accept yourself and others as works in progress in your day to day life. See that picture you have? That's what we look forward to feeling after those steps and it's possible and probable that with the loving guidance and trust; you will feel better for having taking those steps.
As far as your relationship, everybody needs a little breathing space. Over time, you'll discover if the two of you are growing together or apart. As far as becoming invisible, my experience has been that when I've stayed small for someone else, I stunted my growth, shrunk and then disappeared .. became invisible.
Want to clear your head? Here's just what works for me - a suggestion only. I find just leaving the house and going for a walk by myself can really clear my head if I stay present to what surrounds me. When I can keep an open mind, am conscious to breath deeply, my eyes see the beautiful Autumn leaves, silly dogs who look like their owners and I feel my higher power's presence and unconditional love. Then I find myself feeling like that picture you have posted. I've let go and let god. Try to be gentle with yourself as you prepare your next two steps in Alanon. They're big steps, lots of program work but very rewarding. Hugs! TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 30th of September 2012 08:55:32 AM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
All I could say is I had that feeling before of "I miss you when you're not here, but I don't really enjoy it when you are here." In retrospect, when I felt that way, I think for me, it was a signal that the relationship was not rewarding and not what I wanted any more and I was staying in it out of fear. There is some comfort and security in staying together, but when it really wasn't working, that was all there was. It eventually got to the point where the feeling of security was minimal compared to the need for me to grow and change on my own. I felt like my ex-A was zapping my spirit and there was just nothing left of me to give to the relationship or anyone else at that point.
Thanks to all, yes I am learning trust in the work, in myself, in the present , in the future. TRUST, my new best friend hopefully. thanks for your ESH. Hugs to all.
When a post with responses as it has received appears on the board I get that overwhelming sense of gratitude which comes with knowing I've been blessed in the program with the program as a result of my HP's unconditional love and care of me. "Know thyself" is and was the most important and demanding lead in got when entering the program because I learned and accepted that "the only problem was me and the only solution was God". I am free of fear and therefore free to choose any and however many alternatives in and to recovery that I need to allow me to attain and maintain my peace of mind and serenity. There are no limits or barriers to my recovery within either time, ability or facility. When I need to know more I listen more with an open mind and I ask for help as has happened here and when I learn more I practice, practice, practice because I have learned that to know without doing is not in anyway "being true to myself". I know that others have the answers and practicing the definition of humility given to me by my former sponsor as "being teachable" I ask for help...with a please...and then I listen before I practice.
My first step is to turn over all control and to request new management leadership. My second and third step is acknowledging and then surrendering to the power greater than myself I know as Akua...the ancient God of my understanding who I sat with and asked for help "please" at the age of 11. The self knowledge (the good and the bad) comes with the daily practice of steps 4 and 10...interlaced...new discovery and repitition of discoveries past and constantly, 24/7 the meditation; "God is".
Tortuga be graceful and merciful with yourself...allow yourself the time and space and ability to grow and to find and use old and new tools...you will arrive at "I know and I know that I know and I am living it". The feelings and thoughts and spirit which is of no use to you today will drift away as you work toward change. They are temporary cause as you learn more and practice more they will be replace by opposites. When fear disappears...love will replace it. Fear is temporary also. Turn it all over to your HP..."Please take this from me".
You're growing and it is truely a blessing to watch because for me I get affirmations again that this program works when I work it and as taught. Thanks so much to all who have participated in this share.
and I feel my higher power's presence and unconditional love. Then I find myself feeling like that picture you have posted. I've let go and let god. Try to be gentle with yourself as you prepare your next two steps in Alanon. They're big steps, lots of program work but very rewarding. Hugs! TT