This is a line I used to hear from my ex-A so often...wow.  I remember feeling like all I ever did was support him.  I was paying his share and was always encouraging him to make a go at whatever hairbrained plan he had for making money (get rich quick schemes instead of ever willing to get a normal job like I had).  He had suck backasswards plans and ideas and I felt like I rarely objected.  He never expressed a desire to stop drinking and I only did a few times prior to us breaking up, but I would have supported that I think.

Anyhow, this topic keeps coming up here and I am struck by how this played out for me and would like to hear from other members with strong alanon programs.

How do you support someone who is in an active self-destruct mode regarding alcoholism and/or addiction?

How do you distinguish between supporting someone to do good vs. supporting them to keep screwing up?

How much support should a person need in their recovery anyhow (since if they really want it they will do it for themselves with or without the support)?

I wrestle with this and don't have all the answers clearly.  In the end I had to bail and save myself cuz supporting someone else while I was floundering so bad myself was REALLY not working.  I really have no idea how to "support" someone with a substance abuse problem.  I understand detaching, not enabling, and setting boundaries, but supporting is really hard to conceptualize?

How do you "support" someone when you absolutely hate what they are doing to themselves?  Especially when they aren't even really trying to change that much?

Of course you understand how to support, you do it here all the time. It's all the same, an alcoholic or a codependent, both suffer from a disease of perception, the thinking of both is skewed.

Recovery taught me that my behavior is my business and it's my responsibility to examine my motives for my behavior. when I go in with the expectation that my "support" or "help" might actually change someone, this is covering a bad motive with the illusion of a good one. I'm the one who will suffer from anger and resentment that my help and support didnt have the effect of change I had expected. When I just let go of my attachments to outcomes, I am free to just be of humble service, just to pass along the message that was freely given to me.

From years of experience, I have indeed learned that I am powerless to get anyone to change. I am soooooo much better off when I wake up each and every day remembering my powerlessness, and then remembering WHO has all the power. I dont want to play God anymore, it did not work.

Lois W. said that loving was our supreme function, (not our thinking!) so I believe the only real support I am supposed to give anyone is unconditional love. With any job I do, I think it is the will of Higher power to just pour more love into the world, it does not matter what I am doing. The daily continuous turning to a power greater than myself is my recovery "work" in a nutshell, to get my Self out of the way.  The outcome is NOT for me to worry about, all I have to do is suit up and show up.

From experience with my son, I know that when I practice love and acceptance of him as he is, our relationship is so much better. When I criticize and project guilt onto him, when I perceive him to be "screwing up," the visit goes to hell in a hand basket. My sponsor always reminded me that in recovery, love and tolerance is our code. This has been a long process of practice, practice, practice for me. Recently, she suggested that when my son and I are together if I can just practice seeing him as Higher power sees him... and just practice listening to him with the attitude, "poor baby. my poor, poor baby," .... I will be extending to my son the love of my Higher power. It is ENOUGH to just to be present with him in his suffering, to let him know that he is not alone. I am so grateful for her suggestions because it has worked so extremely well, our visits together are finally peaceful.  I was able to use it with my al-anon sponsees as well.  They will all hear the message when they have suffered enough, exactly how it had to work for me.  all I try to be is a loving presence.

It is my sons business, not mine, if he is in "self-destruct mode." I am powerless to change that. It is my business if I am obsessing over it.

Enabling is a totally different thing. From the experience of hitting a wall over and over, I discovered what my enabling behaviors were by working a step 4 inventory over my resentments, they tend to make things easier for others while I suffer consequences. In working the steps, the amends go to me, I stop harming myself.