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I have just split up with my boyfriend ans am very upset. In seven weeks he has dropped me 5 times. He is a darling in his normal state but when he turns to the second personality he turns in a violent, cruel and ugly being. He is racist, insulting, paranoid, jealeous, possessive,makes up stories such as having been in Iraq or that his father died, points his fingers to my temple as if holding a gun, has put a pillow over my head ansd has hit me three times, as well as my furniture and door.
He is the sweetest man on earth then turns into a monster. I don't ever want to see him nor talk to him again. When he switches back to normal he says his problem is alcohol, and that he didn't mean a word of what he said. But I was fully concious and I heard the words and underwent the violence.
He is 40 and I called his mother who doesn't believe me.I am hurt and upset. He keeps calling and I don't answer.He knocks on my door and I don't open. I must keep away from him. The violence escalated over the weeks. He had consulted at the hospital and said he started the medication but last time he came by and was violent he was drinking beer.
He says he doesn't remember what happened each time. Does this have to do with alcohol or is the problem psychological schizophrenia or borderline or somthing?
Does he mean what he says in that stae, is it his real self?
There are T-shirts that say "Instant A-hole, Just add alcohol." It is sad, but it's true. I do want to say Shannah that I know it appears that there is a Jekyll and Hyde thing going on with an alcoholic/addict much of the time but that is just your observation.
On the inside, the alcoholic/addict is tormented 100 percent of the time. They are generally selfish and self-centered 100 percent of the time. While he may seem sweet and charming when sober, it takes a bit longer to really catch on to how broken he is even when not drunk. The busted thoughts and restless mind is what causes him to drink in the first place.
Often times, alcohol and addiction overlap with domestic violence too. Even if not, there are many victims of domestic violence that state similar feelings that the perpetrator is all sweet one minute and in a rage the next. The reality there is the same. If a person is violent - they are violent. It just is. If a person is a moody drunk, they are a moody drunk all the time. It doesn't help to make excuses for inexcusable behavior in the form of "But he's so sweet all the rest of the time." With alcohol and addiction, the disease progresses and also the person lets their guard down and those "sweet times" get shorter, fewer, and farther in between.
Wow... that is a vey clear reply that I wasn't expecting. It gets me off the hook as the target of insults and hurtful behavior. Every word you wrote rings so true.
"With alcohol and addiction, the disease progresses and also the person lets their guard down and those "sweet times" get shorter, fewer, and farther in between."
It took just seven weeks, form the first crisis after one week, to become once every three or four days to daily. This is wheter he had drunk or not. I somehow felt guilty beacause he said he drank more since he met me and that I was making him feel inferior as I am a successful businesswoman and have lots of interests. I guess he was picking up on everything he is not, and that made his condition worse.
Yes, selfish and self centered, calling for attention 24h per day. Making pormises to stop dinking and getting better, that we all know that alcoholics cannot hold.
I could have written that post! That was my AH when we were dating. He would be so sweet, but turned into a monster when he was drinking and using. When we broke up he would not leave me alone. Called, text, came by all hours of the night banging on doors, windows. Then he went to rehab I thought all would be great. He was clean and sober and back to that sweet man I remembered. Then I married him. The alcoholic and addict is still there. It never goes away. Some can stay clean and sober, mine did not. I lost myself in his addictions, but found Al-Anon and am trying to work through all this. So many times I wish I had found this earlier. Come back and learn more! Find some meetings!
Thank you for your reply. My now ex boyfriend asked me to hang on, that he would go to rehab and eveything will be fine. Somehow inside of me I have kept this secret hope that when he does get out of rehab, maybe I could reconsider. Your post jerked me back to reality. Rehab doesn't guarantee lifelong soberness, and I truly beleive that alcohol is not the the problem, it is what is causing alcoholism, the distress and anguish they go through. When you read stories of stars who go to rehab and relapse, that is prooof enough. Amy Winehouse that I absolutely adored, died of drinking , not drugs as many believe.
I now have to get let go of the love I have for this man, and wish him the best.
Shannah, You are right that rehab is not a fix-all. It does however, get them clean, sober and shows them the path they need to travel if they want to remain clean & sober. I equate rehab to a diving board - it gives you the bounce but the style of dive is your choice, do a bellyflop and relapse or do a clean entry into the water by seeking guidance thru a support program.
The use of alcohol only serves to cover/numb underlying issues - taking an aspirin will not cure cancer - it may dull the pain but the cancer continues to grow.
Thank you for the reinforcement that I badly need at the moment. No false hopes. Letting go of the love wasted and lost.I don't want to take chances with the bellyflop. I aldready feel like a part of me has been destroyed by this relationship... I need to mend myself. Jamie's post was an eye-opener and reminder of what I have read so many times. I have to keep saying to myself I deserve better.
Yes, it can be an eye-opener but try not to think of it as wasted nor lost time. Whether you stay or go, you have learned a great lesson - that being to make an informed decision on where you want your life to go. Internal & spiritual growth comes to us in many different ways. It's what we glean from the experience that will determine whether it was a loss or a gain.
Your healing began with your 1st post - keep coming back.
My former A pertner is also a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Except that he is not physically violent. And isn't it convenient that they "don't remember?" If you don't remember, you don't have to discuss, defend, or apologize for anything you said or did. Well, I tossed him out, and I think you have done the right thing by tossing yours out too! GOod for you!!! You cannot open yourself up for physical danger. You take care of yourself, and you'll be just fine.
Best of good wishes to you, DIva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you. As they say, learn the lesson and move on. The lesson is, when the red flag comes up, run in the other direction. Lesson number two, patience and love cannot alone heal someone who is sick, you cannot help someone who doesn't want o help himself. Lesson number three, define strict boundaries. When someone crosses them, make sure that they understand and stop, if not, move on.
The above should be enough to keep me out of trouble.
But most of all I need to undestand why this is happening and work on myself. This is my second alcoholic. Theescond one too to get physcially violent. I have had a series of verbally violent partners.So it says a lot about me.The self-healing starts by admitting that I am drawing these men to myself.
Thanks Diva. I keep asking myself, does he really not remember? Did he mean all the insane things he said to me? Whe he gets back to "normal" he says he didn't mean a word of what he said. But curiously the same lines keep turning up with each fit.I know it doesn't make a difference now, but I need to know... somehow, a part of me wants the honest truth although the answers ar obvious. I need to hear it from someone else.
Once in a meeting, someone made a comment that has stuck with me - it was something on the line of "that we fixers, enablers (pick your label) shine like a beacon in the night. A user/abuser can spot us a mile away"
That's where taking a self-inventory comes into play. What is it that fuels my beacon? I know that I am a people pleaser & I'll bend over backwards to do something for another then my feelings are hurt when I don't get the response/reward that I think I'm entitled to. I become resentful, feeling used & abuse but have to ask myself "who's fault is it" and the answer is most always ""mine"".
Thanks for the post. That is all me except the resentment bit. I almost posted earlier that I come out of unconditional love and have no expectations. This attitude in life has backfired on me several times. Yes, I take full responsability for having created the situation, being a natural fixer coming form a dysfunctional family. One week into the relationship he had his first fit. I asked what his problem was. And he was honest enough to say that he was alcoholic. I could have walked away and I didn't because I was in love.....But I had no idea of what was to come next. I do need to do thorough self exploration and inventory as you have said. Will do so.
