The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all! I am new to this board. I am a32 year old adult child of an alcoholic mom, a very co-dependent stepdad, and addict little brother. Becoming a mother has strengthened my resolve to set boundaries against situations that are not healthy. My mom has been on the relapse rollercoaster for 14 years now. In the past, the role I assumed was the "fixer" (wow did I have alot to learn back then). My stepdad relied heavily on me to "fix" both my mom and brother. This recent relapse was my last straw. I told my mom three years ago after she sobered up again that I would not accept another relapse. I told her that I would not be there for her again if she made the choice to reach for her bottle. Now that she has relapsed, I have held firm in my boundary. In the past 2 months I have spoken to her twice. My stepdad is in panic mode over my decision and has tried everything he can think of to try to get me to "support" (AKA enable) the both of them. He has tried guilt, anger, bribing, and even threats. He claims to be all alone and that my boundary is not working to get my mom better. He can not accept that my boundary is not to make his life or her life better, but to make MY life and the life of my husband and girls better. My daughter's 3rd birthday is coming up next month. I told my mom today that she and my stepdad needed to pick a time to have a phone conversation with me on speaker phone so that we can discuss my expectations for her party before I sent them an invitation. I wanted them to know what my boundaries were for the party (her being sober, him not starting drama like he did at her party last year with my brother the addict). I plan to let them know that they have the option of declining the invitation if they feel they can not behave within these parameters for 2 hours. Of course, my mom did not handle my request for a discussion well at all. She claimed to be sober (not true as per her neighbor who saw her in the middle of the road drunk this weekend) and was very angry. My stepdad is furious with me already because I refuse to give in to his demands for support. I am almost to the point of just asking them to please not come. Honestly, my husband, in-laws, and my dad and stepmom do not really want them there because of the hurt they have caused me. I guess the only reasons I am still considering inviting them is because I know that they love my daughter (despite letting their problems run their lives and not see her very often). Plus, it is so hard to tell your parents they are not welcome. It is one thing to keep up my boundary of distance during a regular day. It is harder now that special times like her party and then the holidays that are just around the corner. I just feel sick.....any feedback? Anyone had to do something similar?
Drawing boundaries is so important and I am glad you have determined to protect yourself. And I'm glad you've found us.
I think alcoholics will drink -- that's what they do -- unless they're working a formal program of recovery. So you can expect your mom to drink at the birthday party. (She may do it in the bathroom, or while she "goes back to the car for something she forgot," but she'll do it.) And to arrive having drunk already. That's just what they do. If she could restrain herself on her own, she wouldn't be an alcoholic.
In my experience, the denial is strong and she will also deny that she will drink, and when the time comes, she will deny that she is drunk. She will express outrage that you could be so accusatory and "unloving." And so unappreciative as to say that her slurring, falling down, or whatever means that she is drunk.
In my experience, the only way to keep alcoholics from drinking at parties is not to have them at the party.
It sounds as if there are plenty of other times to see your mom. So you may want to consider that as an option.
However you decide, keep on taking good care of yourself. I know it's not easy. Hugs.
It sounds like you have good boundaries. I too grew up with an addict Mom and I don't live anywhere near her and it makes life easier. I do miss her and talk to her through email once in awhile, but hold strict to my boundaries with my family of origin for good reason. I know it's not easy, but you know the right thing to do. Keep practicing good self care. Meetings always help too. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
