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For years I have always asked my Grandchildren to make a list for me for Christmas of things they would like as a gift. Out of the list I always bought them one gift for a $100.00 & another one for about $10.00 & a few stocking stuffers. This year I have done the same asked for a list & for them to give me the list when they come for Thanksgiving. Now I am being told by the parents that I am only allowed to buy cloths for the kids. What is the right thing to do? Do I have to obey the parents or do as I have always done ??The parent is my son who is alcoholic. The kids are 17, 16 , 12 , 9 and 7. I would not have a clue what kind of cloths to buy for them. If I give cash to the kids so they can buy their own cloths the Alcoholic has manipulated them out of their money in the past. I do not feel money is as nice as being surprised opening a present.
They all want ipods & I can get them each one for a $100.00 a peace with my business discount, that would be a $500.00 savings, plus 5 really happy excited kids. That is all they want is a ipod.
No where in Al anon does it talk about this. I am also finding that most subjects are geared towards spouses. I would love it if there was a group for parents of alcoholics. I am finding it different working the 12 steps with my son than I did with my AH
Thanks in advance for some support
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
Hugs!!!! The meeting I go to there are lots of moms and I know that they wish they could just wave a wand and fix everything!!!
As for the presents, that's such a tough situation. Perhaps you could do socks, which is clothes, and the Ipod, so you meet the instructions given but you also provide the gift that you wish to give. That is an amazing deal, I love a good opportunity for a bargain!!!
Hi! I agree with you, I wish there was a group for parents of a/a, I think they are more difficult to detach from and set boundries. The son want you to buy clothes, less for him to worry about, and you are right about the money.
Gettingitright!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
Ohhh... I love Jackie's suggestion..... iPod's wrapped in socks sounds awesome!!!
IMHO, no parents should be "dictating" what loving grandparents should or should not buy their children - Jackie's 'compromise' seems to fit the bill (or perhaps better said - fits the feet!)
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
This is a difficult situation. I wonder if their parents are having trouble affording clothes for the children. I know that we shouldn't do things for A's that they could do for themselves, but equally children shouldn't have to pay the price of their parents' irresponsibility. Or is this a way of punishing the children for something? You are the one to know the situation -- for instance whether, if you gave them iPods, the parents would just take the iPods away.
I feel that generally, if there's a way to make a healthy choice without provoking conflict, that way is probably better. The kids are not independent from their parents, and if they open "forbidden" presents under the Christmas tree, there could be a declaration of war. That wouldn't make anyone better off.
It seems to me, for what it's worth, that the most important thing is to keep in contact with the kids and be an available family member for them. Maybe if you are able to talk to them freely and warmly, you'll get a better sense of what's behind this new "rule" (for instance, if it's that the family is poor, or if the parents have declared no presents as a punishment, or what). Maybe your gift would be something that they can enjoy at your house, so there's no danger of it being taken away. Or maybe it could be something you could do with the kids -- a day out somewhere, or something like that. Or maybe it could be a gift certificate for the coolest clothing store in town, where the teenagers, at least, would be overjoyed at being able to buy their own clothes. Only you would know what the right options are.
I can see this situation both ways. It does seem to me that there might be a way that you can express your caring to the kids without putting them in the line of fire.
Awwwwwwwwww Thank you guy's & bless you....I am going to do what you guys suggested wrap the ipods in socks.
I agree & suspected the reason for the demand for cloths is so they don't have to buy the cloths & more money for booze. They are NOT thinking of the kids happiness. It is more what is good for them.
I agree totally with you highlyflavored..I find it harder , more difficult to detach from and set boundaries with my A/S than I did with my ex spouse......I have phoned every meeting in my town & have gone to 11 different Al anon meetings & there is no parent Al anon meetings. There is a grandparent group for those that have alcoholic grand-kids. My Alcoholic son tries to control who I talk too, what time & day I should put Thanksgiving on or any family get together & he 's not even invited. He told me I was wasting my money getting my teeth fixed after all I would probably be dead in a few years. It blows my mine the things that come out of his mouth, the selfish, self centeredness. It breaks my heart where did my sweet innocent, loving, caring, gentle boy go too.
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
I have to agree with Mattie on this. If I were told by the parents that the kids could not have specific items, like it or not, I think I'd have to respect their boundaries.
Having 8 G'kids of my own, Xmas shopping is difficult as in I don't know what they like (all live out of state), what their sized are, etc so I've always just sent them gift cards from Sears -- they can buy clothes or electronics - whatever they want. (the A can't buy liquor w/a Sears Gift Card - but a Visa Gift Card can be used at a liquor store)
It is possible that the A parent is so misusing his income on booze and the kids are going without proper clothing, even tho it is his responsibility to clothe his children, I'd feel bad knowing they are wearing outgrown/tattered clothing.
There was a time when we were financially strapped and my son had to go without proper clothes and let me tell you, he suffered tremendous bullying at school - to the point that a teacher initiated a conversation with me about it. I was humiliated but that was nothing compared to what my son went thru.
Will that's what I thought at first one should respect the kids parents boundaries. I would if it was for a good reason, but its just a control thing & they the parents are drinking all the money up & neglecting the kids. The kids tell me everything that goes on in their house. They phone me when there is no food in the house....I take food over weekly. I have taken all the kids shopping for cloths & let them pick out the things they like with in reason, for back to school.I will probably be buying them their winter coats & boots. All the kids friends have ipods, iPhones etc. My grand-kids don't have these things & they feel so left out of the loop. If things continue to get worse I may have to get a court order to get custody of the kids for their protection.If they have ipods they can text me if they need me & there is no monthly bill like there is to have a mobile phone I hate this disease Going to another F to F meeting tonight....be my 5th one this week, as I am feeling a bit depressed & angry.
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
As a grandmother as well as an Al-Anon member I can see your difficulty.
It seems that from the little you say that you are forced by your love for the children to be the responsible person in this family.
There are many grandparents who become 'Carers' because the parents are addicted to alcohol or drugs.
If you would like to personal message me I will try and find some referrals for you over the next couple of days....on the Internet.
At the same time continuing with the Al-Anon meetings will continue to be important for you to learn how to also look after yourself in the coming years as the children grow and their needs also grow.
So glad the Gkids have you. It sounds like you have a good pulse of the Gkids life and needs. Do what you know is right and let go of the rest. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'd put the "principles before personalities" tradition to this.
It's my own opinion, but putting the iPods in socks would really come across more as a slap in the face than anything. Ask yourself how would you feel if you asked someone to do something specifically and they turned it around on you? (I can't tell you how many times I've asked the A to do something for me only to have him ignore my request entirely. Really frustrating!)
I understand you want to get the kids iPods. Why wait 'til Christmas to get those for them? If you want them to have iPods, then give them iPods at some time other than Christmas (so you're at least clear of their specific request regarding Christmas presents) and then get them gift certificates to clothing stores for Christmas. (At least if you get them gift certificates to clothing stores, you'll be sure the gifts can't be used for booze.)
I walk a very fine line when it comes to not irritating my Ex Daughter In Law(recovering addict) - she cut off our contact with the children for 7 whole yrs one time - nothing that I did, just her own fears!! As legal guardian she had every right to do so even tho it was stupid and harmful to the children. The mother has apologized and made her amends, but our relationship is very fragile - we rarely call the kids so we don't have to talk to her but have told the kids to call us instead...seems to be working but the ice we walk on is so very thin.
You are the only one that can judge how your gift will be received. With some F2F meetings & trust in your HP, you'll find a solution.
What a wonderful idea! The socks with the iPods tucked into them. Is it possible to give money to their mother with the stipulation it be spent on clothing for the children? Maybe then Dad won't be able to get his hands on it. GailMichelle had another good idea. Buy the iPads NOW and give the kids clothing for CHristmas. As they say, "there's more than one way to skin a cat." lolol Good luck.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I didn't have to work a different program with my alcoholic/addict wife as I did my alcoholic/addict son...The program is about me and not about them so whatever the looks or name for me I stay with my program. I don't know the relationship you have with your son and it sound like it has some intimidation and manipulation in it and some fear on your part. The gift giving outside of Christmas sounds reasonable with the Christmas gifts being clothes and then there is another angle using gift cards that can be used at different clothes stores...that'll work as they get to pick out their own colors, designs and sizes for themselves...you provide the facility and they get to use their ability. When I got deep into my program(s) it became natural for the drinkers and users in my life to not expect money. I just stopped giving it where they could get at it. They would get pissed at times but not drunk or high...Just me and I still do it that way. In support ((((hugs))))
