Sorry this is happening in your life. There are lots of us who can relate to your story including myself.  You do sound like you've had enough and are resigned to what is and not in denial about your situation.  I lied to myself for a long time and later felt a lot of shame around that. I wasn't ready to end things.  Then he ended it and I thought I hadn't been good enough.  Can you imagine?  His disease tagged me as unworthy and I believed it.  Truth was, I'd had that belief system long before I'd ever married him from my family.  It's why I chose him.  I never learned to choose myself first and from a healthier place choose another who would treat me with respect and dignity. I hadn'tsecured those rightly deserved assets and kept them for myself. Over time I grew numb from living with the disease and relinquished all my rights as a person.  I no longer acted on my own behalf but instead was acted upon by the disease of addiction which fed insanity to my own disease codependency until I bottomed out just like you. I can thank my hp that he left me because looking back I believe I would've continued to spiral down and lose my health and die before I ever would have left. This is how steeped in learned helplessness I was. Thank goodness, the rehab he was sent to had told us wives to go to Alanon.

I hope when you mentioned the meeting you missed, you were speaking of a face to face Alanon meeting.  If not, maybe you'll give it a try. I wish I had had the tools earlier for making decisions. You sound like you are doing a great job of detaching, not engaging in his insanity.  Only you know how many rounds you want to go with his disease. I've found my sponsor is great for helping me see a situation from an additional perspective as are other Alanons through their sharing.  So many things circle back to my faith in my higher power and getting boundaries in place concerning myself and other people. You are lovable and not alone sis. Hugs  TT

You sound like you are aware & have lots of acceptance of your situation. You say you don't know what to do for money. Please go to Social Services today, also look in the yellow pages to see if there is a place for abused & battered women to go too for help. Is there a food bank that you can go to ? How about churches ? Anyone that has lived with a practising alcoholic has been emotionally battered & many also physically battered. Remember thats what those programs are there for to help people that need help.

Sending you love & support ((((((((((((((((((((hugs ))))))))))))))