The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know my AH is on very thin ice at the bank where he works and I have just been waiting for him to tell me that he is fired (or in his mind I'm sure he will believe that he quit). I knew he didn't go to work yesterday and I just found out from my son that he didn't go in today either. I am so mad and upset right now but there is nothing but the shell of a man over there to rage at and what good does it do anyway? The unfairness of this whole situation is finally hitting me full force. I am working so hard at trying to keep the bills paid now with his pitiful income which has slipped from six figures, but it is something and we have our health insurance benefits through his job. Right now, I am debating how to pay the remaining house, car and hospital bill for the month of September and October is already looming. And still, he blames me for all of these problems.
I have talked to the dealership about trading my car back in to rid myself of that car payment but he said he won't sign the papers and it is in both of our names. He won't leave the house and let me live there and take care of it and put it on the market to sell and he is too mean to live with. I gave him a price to buy out my half but there is no way in hell that he can get a loan to do that now - I've waited too long. It feels senseless to make a house payment for him to lay over there and treat it like a crack house and there is no way I can keep up the payment and utilities on my income alone. The only way that I could do it is if my 2 sons moved back with me for a while until we sold it but that would assume that my AH woud have enough class to leave and I don't think that is going to happen.
I feel like I'm in a bad dream that I can't wake up from. I have tried to stay optimistic and detached but I sure do feel uncomfortably attached to him tonight and awfully pessimistic about my future.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
((Wornout)) I understand and am so sorry you have this. Much of your post resonates to the predicament of my current situation. I am doing my best to push aside my A's blame, crazy-making, etc, so that I can focus on what is my priority for me and our daughter, how best to secure our safety, health, and finances. I am worried about my health holding up; so I need to take care of this first. This may mean that I forfeit something valuable (but less valuable than my health). My A's actions are showing me that I cannot rely on him for anything, so, I therefore, must build more self-reliance.
I am sending prayers that things will start falling into a better place for you. Thanks for your post.
To you both...i think we share similar struggles. Im married to.my ah for 13yrs...we have one child. Sadly, im alone much of the time while hes "out". He provides us a good life but I too, wonder when it will all fall apart. I feel I have to be ultra responsible in all regrds "just because". My ah is successfully self employed and functioning yet our marriage and family life us a shell of what I had expected. That said, ive learned to put away such expectations and do the best I can with what is in front of me. But, the anger, the worry, the fear, the anxiety and the alone ness of it all takes its toll. This forum has been a lifesaver the past few months. A comfort when im alone and wondering. Just glad to be able to share...at least its a pisitive by product of being alone so often....
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
((wornout)).....it truly is exhausting trying to keep the home family all running etc and being responsible for the household bills etc. For me I was holding on to our dysfunctional life because i was scared that financially I wouldnt be able to cope without the abf. I wanted out but was to scared how i would cope as i didnt see my life getting any better, I was hopeless but holding on to my so called 'life' like a vice, but it was slipping.
Then eventually like life does it was out of my control, my abf was violent towards me (in some ways the best thing that could of happened). I called the police he was arrested and I knew that my life as it was over....the relief the desicion was taking from me was huge but, hell i was angry, lost etc but I found Al-anon.
The feeling I have now is so good I am not hopeless, dead inside you know. Its a little bit scary but by working the steps I have found faith, and my HP has shown me so many miracles that i feel safe, loved and hopeful.
I beleive by letting go you get so much more.
Are you able to go to any f2f meetings?
All the best my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
Thanks guys. I am feeling brighter now. I wrote this right after I found out that he had spent a 2nd day at home and was in those horrible moments when you find out they have taken another step down towards their bottom. I have spent today filling out applications for jobs at the hospital where benefits will be available to me. My interest lies in health care, goes along with my co-dependent nature, I guess, so I applied for openings in patient care but also in my field of experience which is clerical/office administration.
... one day at a time, focusing on me, and trying to dothe next right thing.
-- Edited by WornOutMrsFixIt on Wednesday 26th of September 2012 02:02:50 PM
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Wornout - At the VERY VERY worst - you declare bankruptcy and still have your serenity. Yeah...I know it's not that simple but in some ways it is. You have so much in front of you that you are wading through and you can't afford to view it in a complicated or angry way. Yes, it's unfair - it could always be worse though.
Breathe deep, say prayers, call your support network and get through this 1 step, 1 day at a time!
You may very well end up facing bankruptcy/foreclosure. That's what I'm looking at right now. Ah lost his job after he went into detox the second time and lost the one he had before that. In fact, for the past few years he has been in and out of work. He always had a story or some reason it wasn't his fault, but now that I am seeing how much he has been drinking over the past few years I am sure the real stories were not presented to me accurately. I just filled out my 'Domestic Relations Financial Affidavit' for my attorney yesterday. Found that my monthly expenses exceeds my net income by over $1400 a month. No child support coming my way, and despite what the judge orders him to pay, I know I will probably never see a penny. So I have made the decision to let my house go. Something has to, because I can't go on accumulating more and more debt. Yes, it's highly unfair. I have always been responsible, reliable, and had stellar credit. Never in a million years did I think I would EVER be a person who would walk away from my home or carry a large balance on my credit card. My AH has ruined all of that. I'm struggling A LOT with resentment and anger towards him, and the fear of the financial ruin was a big part of what kept me in the marriage as long as I did. But the fact of the matter is, my sons' well-being is worth more than my credit score, and this house just holds a lot of sad feelings for us anyway. So if you have to face that prospect, just try to look at it as choosing between your life or your finances.
(Any Seinfeld fans here?)