The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You know what I love about this program? It's that it's taught me to walk through life and question things when I'm starting to behave in weird ways. It's also taught me where some of those behaviors are coming from, what they look like, what their cause usually is.
I recognized, finally, after a few days of not-so-great behaviors that I've been on the search for validation. Mostly from men. That's always been my big thing - men are supposed to find me attractive, irresistable. They're supposed to want to pay attention to me, love me, adore me and tell me how wonderful they think I am.
I do recognize that this is part of a struggle that I'm having with the love interest in my life being out on deployment and having absolutely no contact with him over the last month. He's an affectionate man and, yes, tells me those things I like to hear when we're able to be in touch.
Good lord, I realize I crammed those compliemtents of his into my God-shaped hole. Nooo... no no no. Not good.
So, thank goodness, too, that he IS out of touch for the time being. Gives me some time to step back and re-assess myself and my intentions.
It is truly amazing to me how quickly I cram stuff into my God-shaped hole. And of course it's usually NOT God that I'm putting there. It's other people and things.
So the turn-in? I swear I've been tapping the shoulders of so many of my male acquaintances, lately. Wanting their attention. Like an A, I'm not getting what I want in the time I desire from one source so I start looking around for other sources.
I am very glad I see the behavior now.
So what do I do with it now?
Well. Here are some solutions. Get myself to more meetings. Turn myself in to my sponsor (yeah, I haven't told her yet...). Remember what I've been doing to love MYSELF and get back to doing that (I haven't hugged myself and told myself "I love you, Kelly" lately). That's where it really stems from is a lack of self-love. I can say when I AM loving myself, I do NOT go trolling around for compliments and attention.
I need to remind myself, too, that the man I'm seeing is also not the source of my worthiness. While I'll never NOT like hearing him say such sweet things to me, I need to remember to treat him with respect. He's not a tool to use to stroke my ego.
Wow, great post and well-said. It gives me a better perspective and I like your solutions. Also, I'm trying to see myself through my eyes rather than someone else's. Thanks for sharing.
Boy, I totally relate. I have a love/hate relationship with men. I get attention from men if I wear the right clothes and put on my stacked heel sandals or a pair of short shorts. And, it's something I know I need to humble myself and look within to see why I'm searching for this validation. I don't want it from my AH right now, but I don't mind if it comes from an outside source. Now, I'm not about to act on anything and I usually get really embarassed anyway but there's something about the attention that I yearn for.
You are doing great! I loved reading your share today and appreciate your honesty and openness!
And I am feeling immensely grateful for this program of rigorous honesty, which shows us how to stop harming ourselves. You and I have the same brain, you haven't done anything I haven't done
I love the mention of the god-shaped hole, I'm pretty sure everyone on the planet is (innocently) trying to fill it with something other than God. With a new relationship, sex-powers, money, luxury cars, clothes and bling... I did all of that too, it was part of my "old ideas"
My true motive was to gain some sort of POWER, to validate that I was indeed a worthy human being, it was like chasing after the wind. None of that was spiritual, it was a form of idolatry
"and the result was nil."
Al-anon helps me realize I am a much more attractive human being without all of my attachments to the FEAR that I am not enough. today I know there is One who has all power and it is my RELATIONSHIP to that power that is going to bring me the priceless gift of serenity, which is all I ever really wanted.
You already know that (((my friend))) so thank you for sharing your wisdom here. I validate that you are an exquisite human being, as you are.
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 26th of September 2012 01:08:57 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
There are all sort of reasons for wanting that validation because the emptiness feelings can come from different places. I recall feeling similar to Ilovedogs in that when my relationship with my ex-A was tanking, I enjoyed attention like that because I would tell myself "I have an out and if I choose to leave, someone else will find me desirable." Even though that was sort of shallow, it helped me move forward. Later on in recovery I recognized the gaping need for attention for what it was and have healed my spirit significantly.
Funny thing is - once you feel good about yourself and are spiritually centered and needing less validation in that form, that radiates and people are attracted to you more even though your intentions were not to have that happen. LOL.
