The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm doing a long share at my home group on Friday - the topic is "Gratitude". I've been thinking about it for a while. I realised that I have never said that I'm a "grateful member" of Al-anon, even though I am. Why? Well I worked it out and it stems from my childhood. I'm an ACoA and when growing up if I showed any appreciation or gratitude for something my brother would distroy or sabotage it. We were all affected by the disease and I learnt never to show I was glad of something or it'd disappear very quickly. Obviously, I know I no longer have to play my cards close to my chest but it's hard to stop, I need to trust more. I need to find the courage to change.
Anyway, I'm just wondering if anyone has any ES&H to share on the subject.
An interesting topic It is really amazing how much we can all identify with each other. That is the reason this program works.
Once when I was speaking at a meeting I too explained that for many years I could not even formulate the word "Gratitude" as a word in mind and could not permit myself to feel that feeling. It made me feel too vulnerable and needy.
That to was the result of growing up with alcoholism Everything that I indicated that I liked or wanted was then used as a weapon to manipulate me into doing something. If I did not do it then my treasure was taken away. I too learned to not show how much I wanted or needed anything,
I did carry that destructive attitude and tool into adulthood . Thanks to al anon I am able to feel gratitude and express it I can also feel joy and sadness and be comfortable in owning it
I too am grateful to al anon for so very much but mostly for helping me accept my humanity and vulnerability
Grattitude is one of my biggest tools in my newly found al-anon bag of tools lol. For me i never was grateful because I was always scared if i was then it would dissapear (whatever i was grateful for). I now know that just acknowledging the things im grateful for stops any kind of pity party on my part, also I see so many things that i am grateful for in my life so much more than i used to. The first time I wrote things down that i was grateful for the release from the pain i was feeling, just evaporated, while writing down things tears were streaming down my face and onto the page, now i write in my grateful book, morning and night and inbetween, and its so lovely to read through other days of my grateful list. Its truly amazing being grateful its like a grateful snowball just keeps getting bigger and bigger. :)
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
Thanks hotrod & Zimmy for your ES&H. I've given this whole inability to say I'm a grateful member even more thought and have come to the realisation that not only does my childhood relationship with my brother play a part but I think deep down I hadn't given up my illusion of control. Somewhere in my head (and this is very hard to articulate) I think by saying aloud in front of others that I'm grateful, I'm admitting that I'm not really in control. I thought I'd realised that I'm not in control but obviously not. I've been fooling myself and still harboured an illusion of control. I'm sicker that I thought!
Each time I do a long share I seem to learn something new about myself, this programme is such a healing force. xx
Sorry I'm late updating. I didn't actually do this share because we had 4 new members turn up that day so we shared on what brought us into A-Anon. But since then I have shared my gratitude for Al-Anon with my home group and feel better for doing so. :)
