new comer, lol - Al-Anon Family Group

uscgmomma1028 · Member

new comer, lol

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

I have no ESH to share about making an exit. In the end, it was my A who left. But I do suggest coming back here to keep reading and posting, go to a face to face alanon meeting if there are any in your area. I know others will be along to share. Sending you lots of support!

Icie · Senior Member

Welcome.....I am so glad you finally posted. Yes there are steps , the 12 steps in Al anon. If you can please go to some face to face Al anon meetings in your area. There should be phone # in the yellow pages of your local phone book. Also please keep coming back. You will get the emotional strength to do whatever you decide you want to do by attending Al anon meetings
Keep coming back
Sending you support with hugs

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know if there is such a thing as a clean exit. There is leaving with grace and dignity .. I don't know if it's clean because of the emotional devestation regardless of which side of the coin one is on.

Please do keep coming back, please find face to face meetings in your area and continue to look for support in the right arenas because you are worth it.

Hugs P :)

uscgmomma1028 · Member

Thanks everyone, sitting here after huge altercation, because I said I can't do it anymore. Just got to keep remembering "the insanity" of it all. I do read your post and will try and do a face to face meeting, (small town). Thanks again.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((USCQMOMMA))))... you're looking for change and don't know what change to look for and on top of that change appears next to impossible from the start. This is the leap of faith...to stop what you're doing which isn't working and come out to meeting others who have been where you are at and have learned to do things differently. The solution isn't black and/or white. There are so many alternatives and variables available to pick from however you must come out so that you can come sit with us and listen with an open mind over a day to day period of time before attempting something you haven't done yet and know little to nothing about. We will share with you face to face where we were at (listen for similarities) what we learned (lots and lots of solutions) and what we do now.

Look up Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and call that number...there will be meeting places and times and all meetings are open...free and weekly.

Good luck and keep coming back to MIP to share with us what is going on with you. (((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I am not sure what area of the country you are in, but there are women's support organizations in just about every state/county. In addition to his alcoholism, you have been dealing with ongoing domestic violence in the form of verbal and emotional abuse. In the area I live in, I would tell you to go to a place called Women in Distress. They provide counseling and aid to women who are in circumstances just like this. Not sure what is like that in your area but I'm betting there are services like that.

Of course alanon is a good option too but that is going to be more focused on you and healing your spirit. You will have a hard time with that while being verbally and emotionally abused. Reaching out in any form is good though. You certainly will benefit from alanon and they do have strategies for leaving a relationship if you are inclined. Often the recommendation is not to leave a relationship right away, but if you are being verbally and emotionally abused, I would back you up on leaving now and alanon is consistent with that too. It might not be a clean exit. When I left my ex-A, it was full of screaming and drama. But, for me, it was right and I don't regret it.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 23rd of September 2012 08:03:25 AM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

The only steps I know that will help you arrive at the right decission for you are the 12 Steps of our program , you will find the support you need , the courage you need , try our program f2f for a few months before making any life altering decissions , you may find that you too can be happy living in an alcoholic relationship , you will come to understand that its okay to stay and love an alcoholic or it's time to go . Louise

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome! (c: All I can do is share my experience. I find when I need to make a change, that I need to research what I am going to do.

I will look on Craigslist to see what type housing is available, can I have pets, are some rents with utilities included, locations? How much are deposits for power etc.

I may think about, do I want to move myself or do I need help.Who? What?

All this planning empowers me. It helps me to focus on doing for me and what path will I take?

I was in my fifties when I left my 3 bedrooom home with 5 acres. I know at my age, emotions can wear me out horribly. So I did it slow. I had my one room cabin rented for almost 3 mo. before I moved in. I had no payment for my house.

But going slow could be just start little. If I get an urge to move, I just start packing. All these things empower me. I see I can do it.

To leave your home and him, you might start going out more, visit people. go for walks, get used to him not being around you. We can even go look at places and see how they "feel" think about hmmmm could I live here. focus on what is important as far as a home.

I am telling you once you are out, in your own place, making it cute and yours, and no one is mad or mean or sick or selfish. YOu will be amazed that life can be so nice!Its not normal to live in that hell! But it becomes familiar, so it makes it hard to leave.

But to make goals and feel the steps out, really helps.

Also for me it is not that I cannot, its I choose not to be in this environment anymore.I am in control of me, I need to be my own best friend and get me out of here. Also if you have friends, they would love to come help you!

I have a dumb situation where my ONE only around me neighbor, I live in the mountains in ORegon, hates dogs. I have 7 dogs. six who are older, have manners, are very well trained with love, are quiet. He does not want to hear one barck. rrrr I am not kidding. so he has me going to court to say my dogs are bothering him. Animal control sat here twice and knows they do not over bark.

Anyway my point is this, I have five wonderful friends coming with me to court to testify. As we were sitting waiting for the first appearance, one said how she had to call me to make sure i was awake, another said well I kept texting her. then my other friend had to lend me money for gas, she said,"It takes a community to take care of Debilyn." lol lol but it made me feel good as all the stress was sucking me dry.

So it sounds like you must be middle aged,I am telling you we need help at this age more than we used to, I have experienced.

I think planning, checking on things, looking, feeling things out talking to others about help,are important to our emotions. It feels better to know where we are going, knowing where to turn, knowing where to get food, br, than to set out on an adventure blind.

I am excited for you! Plus if you like, we would LOVE to see ya share a lot about your courage to change your life!

love,debilyn

uscgmomma1028 · Member

Thanks to everyone! The advice of going to meetings is good. Our small town has meetings tomorrow night, so I will be going. And I am taking small steps, looking for apartments, and or house. This morning he apoligized. And I know he is sorry. But just like me not being able to leave, he doesn't know how to stop.I have talked with him, he truly is scared to death to do so..........so I love him in the mornings, and can't handle him 5 out of 7 nights, exhausting! I surrender to God just about everyday, because I know if I leave he will get worse. And before anyone has a thought on that, in the past I have spoke up for myself twice, once with my Dad, and another with ex husband. Dad, committed suicide

uscgmomma1028 · Member

Thanks to everyone! The advice of going to meetings is good. Our small town has meetings tomorrow night, so I will be going. And I am taking small steps, looking for apartments, and or house. This morning he apoligized. And I know he is sorry. But just like me not being able to leave, he doesn't know how to stop.I have talked with him, he truly is scared to death to do so..........so I love him in the mornings, and can't handle him 5 out of 7 nights, exhausting! I surrender to God just about everyday, because I know if I leave he will get worse. And before anyone has a thought on that, in the past I have spoke up for myself twice, once with my Dad, and another with ex husband. Dad, committed suicide that night. And my ex is litterally drinking hisself to death. So might give a little insight on my relutance. Thanks everyone for thoughtful comments.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

He's going to drink himself to death with our without you sad as that is. Standing up for yourself didn't result in your dad committing suicide either. It is so hard to unlearn ways of thinking and acting that don't help you. Your caring and love are awesome assets, but up to the point where they aid you in your own happiness.

It's not going to be pretty to watch your husband go through what he has to even if it is recovery.

Bless you for caring and I hope you get lots of support and love - just reach out as much as you can because you deserve it. You cannot be strong for everyone but you (we have all done that act and it is sooooo draining).

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.