The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I DID want to yell, cry, and cuss at him. and I did. lots and lots
If you've been reading this board for very long, you know that those may be our normal reactions, but none of that will help. Good for you, if you already know that.
To put your mind at ease, you do NOT NEED TO KNOW whether you should stay or leave. Today is not that day, sweetie. In fact, al-anon suggests you NOT make any major decisions until you have been practicing the program for awhile. I needed to get stronger and then, the knowing came on its own, didn't need to force a thing. So you can relax, my friend, it's going to be okay.
Also, NO ONE can tell you what is right for you so if your "support group" is telling you what you "should" do, they are trying to control you. I would suggest you keep some distance there because I also had a support group like that and their pressure created more stress in me, which is simply no support whatsoever. They only added chaos to confusion. After a while I learned to ask, "Is that what you did? Did you leave your alcoholic partner??" Because only those who have walked in your shoes will understand how hard that decision is.
I found those people at my local al-anon meetings and I attended them often, this was a support group that understood as no one else possibly could. My al-anon fellowship is where I met my best friends, I fell into their arms and they held me up during the worst time of my life. I am eternally grateful for their unconditional love, today I am strong enough to do the same for others.
Find your local meetings, keep reading and keep an open mind. You are not alone, in al-anon you will find help, you never have to do this alone again (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 22nd of September 2012 07:58:48 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I would also like to suggest that you search out Alanson Face to Face meetings in your community and attend. It was there that I learned that alcoholism is a disease and that I too had been seriously affected. I was given positive tools to help me live with courage, serenity and wisdom and to detach with love from the alcoholic. "
An excellent tool that helped me,(besides meetings and sponsor) was to repeat, Alcoholism is a disease that I did not cause, can not control and can not cure." The best I could do , while living with this disease was to learn to treat my husband with respect, love and detachment while I attended my meetings and Lived one Day at a Time, focused on myself and trusting my Higher Power.
You aare not alone and there is hope.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 22nd of September 2012 09:14:04 AM
It's been sixteen years that I have been with my huband. He is an alcoholic. Until last night he had been sober for a little over two years. He came home last night after assuring me that he wasn't nor does he ever want to drink again DRUNK!
I love this man with everything I have and I guess my question is should I stay or leave? I have two kids and my support group, well, some say leave, some say stay but none of them have been living my life. It so hard to constanly worry, feel like a nag and most of all feel powerless to do anything with the exception of tying him to chair.
This time around I feel almost numb and lost. I don't want to yell, cry, cuss at him. I need help and don't know where to turn :(
Thanks for listening and and advice would be wonderful!!
Hi Leah!
I too am a newbie but I saw some similarities in your post. I have been married to my ah for 18 years and we have 2 kids age 8 and 12. I have been dealing with his alcoholism for the past 8 years or so, and I finally had enough. I've threatened counseling, but that never seemed to work. Al anon helped me empower myself. My ah is the master liar and manipulator, at times he had me questioning my own reality. He'd involve the kids not to tell mom. I'd just had enough.
So when he was sober, I had purchased a breathalyzer from Walmart dot com. It was 35-40 if I remember correctly. I had a marriage counselor suggest it. I told him i knew he was drinking even if he denied it every single time. And we (the kids and I) were choosing not to be with him when he drank. It was pretty bumpy let me tell you. We'd have an activity plan (like just going swimming in the backyard) and id ask him to blow. It'd come up positive and I'd tell him I'm sorry he's not invited. Oh the fireworks would start then. I explained it all to the kids (since he had involved them anyways, why couldn't I?) and when I told them he was positive, each one was like "why dad? We wanted to play with you. Too bad you can't play with us". Eventually I kicked him to the extra bedroom. So his choices are either we all leave, or he can go in his room. He'd go in his room and do whatever. To me I didn't care.
I've heard it plenty of times from him. It's not my job to monitor his sobriety. I get that. But I can control my environment, and I do no want to deal with an alcoholic, nor do I want my kids to either. And being he always lies about it, we obviously have no trust. But what it does is let's me be in control of my life. Let me tell you he hates that machine!! But for my first hard limit I've set, I love that I'm choosing to not deal with him when he's drinking. I love that.
We're not perfect, but so far we have more good days than horrible days. You have to make choices on what will work for you. For me, I'm working on getting a full time job. I have been a stay at home mom since my 8 year old was born. I need to get a career for me and am thinking of going back to school.
Hugs to you!
Shawn
welcome , no one has the right to tell you to leave him or to stay the decission is yours and yours alone . Al-Anon is about you for you , like it or not we too have a part in the problem once you figure out what that is you can move on , get your life back on track and it is possible to do that while staying in the marriage . Self esteem and self worth will return and you can make a decission based on facts rather than emotions . Regardless of what they are doing you can get happy learn to detach with love and compassion and take care of you . Please find meetings for yourself , you speak of a support group I am assuming it is not Al-Anon , it has been my observation that if were not talking to people who have lived with this disease they just dont get it . Al-Anons get it . Just my opinion . Louise
Thank you all! After reading all that you guys wrote I cried long and hard. For the first time in 16 years in don't feel alone anymore! I am so sorry that all of you are going through the same thing but it is nice to know that there is a place I can go and talk to people that have actually walked a mile in my shoes.
Thank you again for the wonderful advice. First thing Monday, I am finding my local group and going!
I am so glad to hear you are going to find a face to face local meeting, awesome! The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was also very helpful for me. When I first joined Al-anon I read all the literature I could get my hands on and it was instrumental in me getting healthier. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
