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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Understanding how it all works
Post Info TOPIC: Understanding how it all works
glad lee


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Understanding how it all works
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Hey Jamie, good for you, working to keep spiritually fit with meetings, etc. It's the only way I find I can live life on life's terms. And good for you for leaning on MIP in between meetings, I did that too.

This is a great question. In short, you are supposed to care for yourself and your son. What helped me to realize is that I had given him (and others) too much power, that is my codependency disease - when I am only well "depending" on what others say and do, bleck

So I had to learn to stop giving people the power to destroy my day and my serenity, this is sacred to me today. I had to stop forgetting that my husband was sick. He was a sick alcoholic behaving the way a sick alcoholic behaves.

Do you have to accept unacceptable behavior? heck no. As a child of God  (or however you like to phrase this) I am deserving of respect.  So I would just get up and walk out of the room, I would tell him I will not listen to that kind of talk, that if he wanted to have a calm discussion, I will make myself available. Of course, he still spewed because he simply had no self-control.  I had to expect that he was not going to change. so I had to.  I had to learn the skill of detachment.

I look at detachment as building a fortress of protection around myself, I can either "wrap myself in spiritual bubble wrap" and let his words bounce right off me, or I can simply "sail away from an approaching storm," etc. etc. Anything to guard me and my serenity. the goal is to let down that wall of resistance inside of me that cares what a sick alcoholic has to say, just let his words pass right through me.

Your post reminds me of the enmeshment between my husband and me. Because I had made him my higher power, what he was saying had the power to ruin my day. But.....

Al-anon taught me that I can always start my day over. I can always take back my power! You can too, that's what you can care about, my friend 

If you want to "say something," consider the consequences. OFten, if I "said something," it was like putting the boxing gloves on and stepping into the ring with him. No serenity there. If he already knows how I feel about things, and typically he did, for me to engage - yet again - was like talking to the wall - yet again. If you have NOT voiced yourself yet, yes, do so. If you have said it before and this is just a repeat, a repeat, a repeat... what's the point? He will not hear it. We are powerless to make anyone hear us.

Thanks for the post, Jamie, so glad you are here ((hugs))




-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 19th of September 2012 10:54:03 AM

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JAMIE74


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I am new to all this and am really having a tough time figuring it all out.  I know it's going to take time and meetings and my HP. But my confusion at the moment is the difference between detachment and just not caring or is it the same thing.  Am I not supposed to care when he puts down me or my son? Am I not supposed to care when he lies to me about things? Am I just not supposed to care about anything he does? When I went to a meeting yesterday a woman brought up the slogan "How important is it?" And it really made me think about a lot of things. I generally respond to all his negativity and of course it never ends well. So it just got me thinking...am I really just not supposed to care about the way he treats me or things he says? Just let it go and never say anything? How do you do that and keep your sanity because at this moment not saying something is making me crazy inside.  And I do recognize this is one of my character defects that really needs work! I'm sure it all gets easier and makes more sense with time. Just frustrated this morning.  



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A_Shu108


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Hey there...

Im new to the group, I will say i have never been to a meeting and or have no "real" experience....but here's my 2cents.

My husband is a binge drinker, most recently he drove after drinking all day on Sunday. For years i tried to think of how to make him get it...then i realized, I cant. I cant make him get it any more than I can make my 3 year old use the potty. (sorry, potty training is a big issue in our house...since you have a child i hope you can relate) I realized that whether i yelled at him, told him not to do something, gave him the guilt trip whatever, it didnt change anything. He still did what he was going to do. I had no control.

Every time he said sorry or promised to change i bought it hook line and sinker but when he did something again (which he always did) i was so hurt that he would do it, almost more hurt since I knew he knew it would hurt me.

This time i feel like i finally detached. I realized, although i think im "doing something" by yelling or trying to control him its not working, he has to change.  If he is going to lie or put you down nothing you can do will make him stop, you can only detach from it and separate yourself.  Here's how I look at it, My husband pulled the drinking and driving stunt he could have DIED or Killed someone it is NOT ok. I asked myself "how do i detach" how do i let it be ok that my Childrens father is risking his life? Then it hit me. Its just not in my control. its not ok, but theres nothing i can do. I dont have to watch him do it, or listen to him be disrespectful. Im not pushing back. Whether i yell scream or threaten him, he is still going to do the same thing... its not ok, but i cant control him and I will not let his actions continue to hurt me over and over.

I dont know how to explain it.when I told my husband this I started to ask him to respondthen I realized. It doesnt matter what he says, ive heard it 100x already. I dont need him to apologize or say he will change, its not about methis is his issue. You can not let someone elses action hurt you, you have to give it back to him and find a way to keep reminding yourself, if I yell and tell him this or thatits not going to matter. Its just going to make you hurt even more when he keeps doing it. I really hope that helpsI dont know how to make it make sense.but  for me getting away for a little bit helped a lot.

 

 



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JAMIE74


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Thank you both! This morning I was having an argument with myself "don't say a word, don't say a word......but, but, but......don't say a word!!" I honestly felt like a crazy woman lol! But I KNEW the consequences of MY actions, a huge fight over some little something that hurt my feelings. Then that question came to mind "How important is it?" It wasn't important enough to stress over and ruin my whole morning. But that's exactly what I did, stewed on it, stressed over it and made myself in a bad mood. I am the one that has control over me, so why am I letting his actions control me and my emotions and how my day goes? That's what I am here for, learning what I can to be a better, "sane" me lol! I liked what someone said at the meeting, a day is just 24 hours and you can restart that 24 hours at any time you want! So that's what I did and I am having a much better afternoon!


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canadianguy


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http://alanon.activeboard.com/t38730205/okay-so-what-can-we-do/

 

I have copied a link to a past post, with some awesome insights to the whole "what is detachment and how does it work", direct from Toby Rice Drews - author of the Getting Them Sober books....

She explains it so well...

 

Take care, and hope this helps

Tom



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"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
orchidlover


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other people could trigger all kinds of stuff in me.  My entire self worth was all out there.  In time with a lot of work in al anon I have become self reliant and less reactive.  No one suggests this happens overnight.

I used to be absolutely devastated by everything the now ex A did.  I felt it symbolized my worth.  I have had to realize people treat others much like they treat themselves. The ex a hated himself so no one got the benefit of the doubt (except for those he idolized).

This is a one step at a time program and a lot of trust is needed.  Of course most of us arrive here without any at all. For me it had to get so bad I was willing to try it.

Maresie.



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orchid lover
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