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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Is this me being spiteful or is it the right thing to do?
Post Info TOPIC: Is this me being spiteful or is it the right thing to do?
Mattie


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Is this me being spiteful or is it the right thing to do?
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It sounds as if you have a lot of awareness in thinking about what's a realistic plan and what might just be an angry reaction.  That's some good growth in there.

Child support is a great concept, but if only it could really be enforced.  The saying about "You can't squeeze blood from a stone" comes to me here.  I know that if the parent is unemployed, the courts do still order child support payments, but the payments are very low.  In two cases I know of, it was $150 a month.  It sounds as if $150 month would be very welcome, but sadly it's not enough to cover what you really need covered.  So if the question is whether to go all out to try to get that money, I think maybe the payoff is not worth the stress.  That is, of course, if you ever see any of the money.  Sadly, many people never do.

I'm afraid the awful truth is that a lot of drinking still goes on in prison.  And drugs are rampant.  If he can't get hold of alcohol, the chances are good that he can turn to drugs. There are a lot of alcoholics and addicts in prison -- it is not necessarily a rock bottom.  In fact I believe it usually isn't.  That's how tragically strong addiction is.  So although t's natural to wonder if there might be a chance that prison will send him into recovery, the chances are not good.  If prison did it, we'd have far fewer alcoholics and addicts.  There's also the fact that the prisons are so overcrowded that non-violent offenders often get probation instead of prison time.  So those are some things to consider as you think about that option.

One thing that might help is that you may know that in some circumstances you can put your student loans into forbearance, I mean "on hold," if you're in a financial pickle.  Call up the entity that holds your loan and ask about that. 

I can't remember if you have a meeting and a sponsor, though you have some good recovery there so I suspect that you do.  I wonder if this would be the right time to sit down with a good friend or two who have some recovery and plot the way forward, financially and logistically.  The stress of all the bills and not having a clear way forward is something nobody should have to endure for long.  Take good care of yourself!



-- Edited by Mattie on Wednesday 19th of September 2012 02:13:41 AM

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holivex


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So my AH has relapsed yet again and is currently living with his mother, sister, brother in law, and nephew.  My mother in law supports all of them on what little savings she has left, and AH uses whatever cash he has to buy his vodka.  He refuses to take phone calls from anyone, answer emails, or anything.  As far as I know, he is doing pretty much nothing except drinking, sleeping, and watching tv all day.  I am working full time, caring for our three boys by myself, as well as a dog, cat, and all house chores.  I have not received a penny from him in the meantime.  I paid my attorney $300 to negotiate with him and get him to agree to a temporary consent agreement until our divorce is finalized (he can't afford his own lawyer), but when he received the agreement and saw that part of it included his first child support payment coming due on October 1st, he refused to sign it and will not respond to any more of her attempts to negotiate.  Apparently he assumed that I was just going to let him have his car and walk away without having to take any responsibility for anything.  Anyway, our divorce hearing is scheduled for Oct. 11th, which is when the judge will decide who gets what and who pays for what until the divorce can be finalized- although I don't see how that will happen since he refuses to attend mediations or anything like that.  In the meantime, I am totally broke.  I have $400 left in my account, but I have yet to pay this month's day care bill ($500) or my student loan ($300).  Obviously my monthly income is not enough to cover my bills.  We don't go out to eat, to movies, or do anything that costs extra money, and the only time my boys get new clothes are when they are way discounted or someone in my family takes them shopping.  I just received another bill for $1500 for my attorney's services today, and I have already had to cash in my retirement account to get the money to pay her.

Here's my dilemma.  If I wait for the hearing and the judge to order him to pay child support, I will have to then go through Child Support Services within my county to force him to pay.  I have a friend who has not received any child support since a judge ordered her husband to pay in June, and she tells me that CSS is so backlogged she will be lucky if they get to her case in a year.  However, at the current time, since we have not had our hearing yet and it has been more than thirty days since he left the home, I can go to the Magistrate Court and have them issue a warrant for child abandonment.  He would then be summoned to attend a hearing, told how much he has to pay me, and if he doesn't, he could go to jail.  Unless his mother gives him money, he won't be able to pay me and will probably be arrested. 

So I am not sure what to do.  I have to admit that the thought of him being arrested and going to jail is a very pleasant thought to me right now.  But part of that is because I know that jail is the only way he will be forced to sober up, and I am hoping it would be his rock bottom.  I have no intentions of ever taking him back, but it would be nice if he could find sobriety and rebuild his relationship with our kids.  But at the same time I am also very angry with him and I know this is partially a spiteful thing.  I feel like I'm in a prison that he forced upon me, and I want him to be in one too.  However, I am really broke so if his mom wants to pay child support for him, that would be great too.  So my question is, if I follow through with the warrant, is that me taking necessary steps or me compromising my serenity and giving into anger? 



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rehprof


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For me, I had to get past the idea that my ex A SHOULD be doing this or that. It ate me up...the resentment...and at times still does...I work 60+ hours a week, take care of all the animals, the kids, the bills, everything...while he lives at his sister's house, by the pool, drinking beer and spending the retirement money of mine that he got in the divorce.

I had to find a way to take care of me and my kids alone. I had to accept that he was never going to be a responsible person.  I accepted that because I was being consumed by my anger and resentment for him being so ****ing irresponsible.

To this day, after 2 years of separation, I may have gotten $300 from him. And he bought us a big screen tv -- because the kids were having to share.

So it may not matter what you do...it probably won't make him changeand give you any money for anything. I had to focus on what I could do to take care of me and my family...and not waste my precious energy focusing on his antics.

I SO GET where you are coming from...and am sending you amazon woman strength. You will get to the other side.

RP



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AStrongerMe


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Same experience as RP here. I had to quit expecting my ex to step up. Thousands of dollars in court wasted only to end up being the PAYOR of child support because he's so incompetent and California is the bleeding heart liberal capital of the world and they think "income smoothing" means the other parent will suddenly be good with money if they get it for free. So I gave up, threw my hands in the air. i could take him in right now and get 50% of anything he earns because I now have 100% custody for the first time in years. I refuse to do it because he starts fighting in mediation again to get them to monkey with custody. The kids want to be here, worth me giving up the money.

I now freely pay for everything. The conversations go like this "I can't take the kids to xyz appointment, I'll pay the copay can you take them please?" Or "Can you take oldest to HS registration, I'll give you the check for the fees". Or "can you drop off the prescription, I"ll pick them up later". It keeps me sane. In CA - not paying for your kids does not stop you from having custody or visitation either.

The 4 years I fought him tooth and nail attempting to get him to be responsible - failed. It was wasted energy and the end result was that I have giant lawyer bills, still pay for everything and he skips along free. His HP is in charge of him. I know if it were me I'd have no respect for myself but I don't even care to know if he does or not. All I know is there is no drama, no fighting, no battles, no nonsense - just me working on boundaries with him for other things and me working on calmness and forgiveness because Lord knows it'll be many years before I forgive him. At least though, I accept who he is now.

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Bettina


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The answer to this question is within you. Nobody can answer this question for you.

You are upset so your not using logic. You cannot strategize with an Alcoholic, it never works.

Honestly, you need more Alanon and HP, sometimes we cannot see our own life , same as we cannot see our own nose. You need to seek further.

My best to you.

Bettina

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Bettina
Pushka


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For me and Mattie is so on this you have to decide what is worth the fight and what is not, .. I'm still not through everything and I'm fortunate that at this point and time my stbax still has a job so you are dang straight whatever it takes for him to pay is what I will do. If he did not have a job I'm not sure what I would do though. I would want it recorded if nothing else for my own sake.

What I would encourage you to do is find out what social services can help you in the area. There are lots of great programs and they can help deflect the cost of things. It's a temporary fix for a lot of years in the making however if it helps and you can receive them do it. It makes a big difference in stress levels and I need to be able to be present for my kids vs worrying about things that are out of my control at this point.

I have had to come to the decisions based upon the fact of being right or being happy, it depends on the situation for me what that answer is, it does vary for me. Dang straight he is not walking out and pretending like 16 years did not happen, .. at the same time I have to have a realistic outlook on what he is capable of and I do want my children to look back and say mom did fight for us. I don't want them saying dang what mom put dad through, it's a fine line to walk and they see on their own what is going on and how it has played out. Whatever that outcome is though I have to leave it in God's hands and know that I have no control over the outcome.

Also have a short term plan and a long term plan by no means are these set in stone .. however dreaming is a good thing. I don't live in the dream I do have realistic goals for myself. I plan on making some (maybe all if it's God's plan) of those plans a reality. I am responsible for doing the footwork and follow through.

It's a very difficult time and as each step comes to pass I find out that I'm stronger than I thought and I get to evolve further into the woman I want to be, vs who I thought I was.

Hugs P :)



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
pinkchip


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I don't think issuing the warrant for child abandonment is wrong per say because that is exactly what he has done right? If you just focus on the issue, did you abandon the kids? The answer is yes. Whether that will make him pay child support or hit his bottom is irrelevant and out of your control.

I agree with Pushka about looking in to social service agencies that may help. This can be emotional as well as financial. There are agencies for women and for families that could help. You could try the mental healthy agency that is in your catchment area and ask for case management services because you are so taxed and busy right now that another person really could be more helpful in coming in and finding out what services you need and what you qualify for. Where I live, most of the single mothers below a certain income level qualify for day care waivers from another agency I used to work at. Look into it. Those funds are meant for working single moms.

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Breakingfree


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I would look into assistance programs to get on for yourself for now and see where that lands you. My exAh was made to pay child support after over a year after I left him and it is very minimal, because he doesn't make much. I hope you can get to meetings and find the resources you need right now. Sending you much love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Debilyn


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Hi dear one, every human being dog and other domestic animals must learn by consequences for their behavior.

In saying that, to not follow thru to protect you and kiddos, I believe it is enabling. I must add however, it is always best to have no expectations. From lots and lots of experience, it is rare when an A leaves, do they ever pay support or anything. They are usually too sick in their disease.

He cannot even take care of himself! He is living with mommy!

I learned I had to empower myself to clean up the A's mess. Thankfully our kids were grown.

If you are in the US you can get ahold of financial services thru your college, defer your loans.

You may have to learn to be super frugal. Think like  you won't get a dime from  him. Wash in cold, hang up your wash, no cable tv, watch movies on the computer or get the cord that will go from computer to tv. Change eating habits, cook from scratch, stew, spegettie, enchiladas, cookies whatever. I would make a bunch of stuff and freeze it.My mother did that too.

Shorten showers, get rid of landline, just use your cell. Learn to conserve heat. Life really is better simple. I mean it. Budget gas money, take kiddos and hikes and picnic lunch. Are there fish hatcheries where you are? We went to those a lot as they were free. There are lots of free things that are really fun.

Having kids you might want to call the dept of human resources and see if you qualify for any help. I know it is not easy, but change and challenges make us grow and it does not have to be unpleasant either.

The way the world is going, we really do, do well to learn how to be money poor. For us and our kids.

Again I ended up calling authorities becuz of my A's behavior. HOn believe me, just them going to jail or prison does NOT make them change as far as using. They are only ready when they are, being made to be sober does not do anything but make it worse.

There is no waiting for bottom. things are what they are each day.The attorney knows where you are financially. talk to her and see if she will wait, defer it, or make small payments till if and when you get into a balance again.

Right now your primary needs are first. Food, shelter, cloths, heat, meds, etc. Do you have a gas eating car? Huge payment? refi car to lower payment.

Its hard to face how sick our AH is. They cannot help anymore in most cases. Maybe someday he will. However, all the very clear evidence is there, that he is very sick and again could not take care of a plant.

We are always here to support you in all we can. Believe me we all care very, very much. Please vent all you need, let us know how you are. ask anything you need to.

If you can get to Al Anon face to face that would be so good for you! There is a number at the bottom of my post you can use.

Please come back! love to you all, debilyn

 



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