Well That Didn't Take Long - Al-Anon Family Group

TrudyS85 · Senior Member

Well That Didn't Take Long

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Trudy...Often times when I backed up and watched and listened to my Alcoholic/Addicts "royalty" attitude I would laugh my butt off. Of course you are the center of the world little girl and if they ever find out that God is female...they'll probably come looking for you. LOL You are doing good...learn to see the humor in it cause humor will help you detach. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hon it can take years or if ever for them to get to a place of being appropriate.

Incredulous is the word eh? I promise if you work on you, you will get to a place where he will say dumb stuff, and you will just think,"thats the disease talking." sucks to be you. NOT making light of the disease, but its just the way it is!

After awhile for me, feeling incredulous of what he said, turned to, how does he know see what a dumb statement that was.

ex: I have not even drank in a couple months. But there he was in trouble again about to go to court for a dui a month ago! Many things like that were said.

We tend to forget how sick they are, how much damage the drugs have done. We only see the outside. Think how long it takes a scratch to heal. Now think about his whole body is one big wound and possibly damaged forever from the drugs!

Many are brain damaged. Many were not nice people in the first place.

So how are YOU. Do you feel it is up to you to find him a place to be? I had to think about that word, "enabling."I learned for me it was I was not going to do anything for him that he could not do for himself. There are halfway houses and other options for them to go after rehab. If he had to figure it out for himself, that would help him grow and help his recovery.

There are shelters, there is AA where they can meet others in recovery who share their homes. There are many church groups who give them deoderant, soap, toothpaste etc. He can get on the food credit program.

His disease knowing he has a soft place to land, is not a good thing. He is an adult, we learn to be adults by taking care of ourselves. what he said about you paying him sounds like a kid. Here you are planning to pay for his living expenses, and he wants you to pay him to mow your lawn??????

This is where we are when we ourselves are deeper into our own recovery. We see the ridiculousness of how they manipulate us. We do them no favors "helping" them. In fact we hinder their progress.

I have seen it time and time again. My experience has been, the ones who allow the A in their life to take care of themselves, are less likely to be used. Also that A's integrity, and maturity grows as they learn how to do for themselves. What do they learn if it is all given to them?

I wish no one would have "helped" my dear AH. But he did not have a chance, first mommy, then mommys friend who now he parasites off of. His own brother refused to take him in unless he was in recovery.

So hon just sharing my experience. "Getting Them Sober" volume one, toby rice drew. love,debilyn

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Trudy, am I to understand that you are helping him look for a rental.

Let him find his own damn rental, why are you even dealing with this.??

Trudy, understand that the recovery process is a long road. They didnt get sick overnite, its progressive.
The best thing we can do for an Alcoholic recovering or not is to get out of the way.

I know you want to put him back together, you must resist doing this and focus on your own recovery.

You only have power over yourself.

Keep coming back,
Hugs, Bettina

TrudyS85 · Senior Member

You are all right. Sigh. I am working on it, but he just makes me feel so bad for him (I know, I know, it is manipulation). Thanks all for the words of wisdom and reality check, you are all right. I am enabling him over and over and allowing myself to feel bad for a grown man who can take care of himself and now needs to. I need to re-evaluate my contributions here and take a step back. Thanks everyone, you are always the voices of reason! ts

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I would not pay for the rental either. That's robbing him of the dignity of his own choices. He's a grown man. If you hear "But I don't have a job yet."

"Not my problem." "Go get one."

It goes against your grain but he wont appreciate what he has unless he works for it.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Trudy,

As I have been told and heard from others the drinking is just the tip of the iceberg there is a whole other continent under the surface. It is HIS tip fo the iceberg (as well as the bottom of it too) to deal with and until he starts handling his thinking issues he has no concept of how to behave differently. The only thing that has changed at this point for him is he's not drinking.

Keep the focus on you and work on your own program of recovery. He needs to figure this stuff out on his own. I recently heard I had to and needed to pick the kids up from STBAX's place of residence and you know what .. noooo I didn't. I had a dental appointment that morning and had a cavity filled for the first time ever. I wanted to relax. I was told he didn't have any gas. I let him know I knew he could figure it out I'm sure he could figure it out and get the kids home. Guess what after much grumbling and a couple of threats he picked the kids up from school AND brought them home at the end of the night. I made the decision not to react and I also knew what my options were if he didn't bring the kids home.

It is hard and scary to make those kinds of choices especially when it's not what we used to do. Congrats on making a new change for yourself, trust me it so gets easier!!!!

Something that I heard just today was this .. just because you buy someone a pack of cig or you don't buy them a pack of cigs it doesn't mean that person is going to find sobriety.

We all have to make the best decisions for our own circumstances. When I get sick and tired of being sick and tired .. I will do something different. That is a truth for all who wish to change and want to stop continually getting what they have gotten. For me as I have become ready at each step I am choosing to do something different. No one else could tell me when to make those changes.

Hugs P :)

holivex · Veteran Member

I agree. Do not pay for the rental. When my husband left detox three weeks ago, he was advised to go live in a halfway house and continue with outpatient rehab. He said he couldn't go right away because he 'had to find a job first'and didn't have the $125 a week to pay the living expenses. Even a minimum wage job flipping burgers would have paid enough for him to be there. I refused to let him back home, and there was no question of my giving him money because I don't have it either. So he moved in with his mother and sister, and sure enough, he's relapsed again. Your AH has to find a job and attend meetings. If you pay his rent, you're not making him accountable for taking care of himself and then he's got a LOT of extra time on his hands. It will be no time at all before he will find his way back to the bottle. Tell him to google 'Oxford House'. Those are sober living rentals that are all over the coutnry, from what I understand. Basically a group of individuals who are looking to maintain sobriety band together and rent a house, split the expenses. That's the place my husband was supposed to go to. It's fairly cheap and the main rule is, absolutely no alcohol or drug use is tolerated. Then wish him luck. He does have to find a way to do all of this on his own. If you help him, then he's not really doing it for himself, he's doing it because you have required it. Sobriety will not last this way. In the meantime, don't expect his alcoholic behaviors (selfishness, immaturity, etc.) to change just because he's not drinking. That will take a while to unlearn. Take care of yourself and your children- you need to make them your primary focus over your AH. Take the money you would have spent and go somewhere they will love, put it in their savings accounts, whatever. But do not give him a penny. Hugs to you.

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