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Thanks for your response. I found out by checking my kid's internet activity. There have been issues with one of our kids (teenager) and the internet and I had not checked in awhile. The GF's name was in the history so I asked my husband about her. What bothers me is not getting a straight answer, then an answer with omission then the apparent "true"story about emailing her from work and that he admitted he was trying to hide it from me. I told him that not being up front makes it really difficult to trust him. I asked him about her and got the run around at first. I don't need to know what the history is or the nitty gritty of his ammend with her, I just want honesty from him. I would like a like a heads up that he is contacting exlovers. I don't need the details about the past nor do I want to know.
-- Edited by Thelma on Monday 17th of September 2012 10:21:50 PM
My husband is new to recovery, A, for approx 9 months. I discovered that he has been in contact with an ex GF, making amends from almost 3 decades ago. He contacted her via his work email and then lied to me about it. I understand needing to make amends but am hurt that he hid the contact from me and finally admitted that he didn't want me to know. I am looking for feedback on married persons in recovery making amends with ex(s) in secret. Thanks for any thoughts, guidance or advise.
Not sure if how I feel about this nor if this is the Al Anon way but my first thought is that his recovery is his business only, no one elses. The second thought is that if there is a reason not to trust him, or to believe he is doing anything more than making amends, that issue is separate from his recovery. I'm curious how you even found out? If he volunteered the information himself, I would see that as trusting you with his vulnerability. If it was found by sneaking - then there is a whole other issue at play. I guess I have to say there's not really enough information here to "share" with. I don't have any personal experience to relate to this, although I can say that I was aware with my exBF that there is an entire history of his I know nothing about (a couple people alluded to this with me) and I didn't want to know. At the time I was part of his present and if he doesn't want to tell me about things in his life from his past it's none of my business.
I was married to a different man for 15 years. He cheated on me continually throughout the marriage. That was my biggest lesson in the fact that there wasn't a single thing I could do, learn, seek, research, dig up, or follow that would have stopped him.
I understand your concern. You husband is in early recovery and working his steps. I salute him . Making amends is a very personal and private undertaking .After making that list in the 8th Step, we go about setting the past right in the 9th step.
It was not a good idea for him to lie about his actions however in early recovery none of us are adept in using all our new communication tools.
I hope you are continuing to attend alanon and working toward your recovery.
Thank you Betty. It has been tough because I have been lied to so many times. I am trying to be supportive and I certainly do not expect him to always "get it right."
my thought is good for your husband for working his steps. i agree with hotrod that it is very personal stuff. i think his recovery is his business. keep going to meetings and focus on you.
It's hard to detach I know cuz he probably owes you the most amends out of anyone. There is reason behind him giving the amends to exes and stuff though....The amends he owes you are much more complicated and ongoing. He may have said amends you you but he has LOTS more work to do there. I suppose some jealous feelings could arise when you hear him making amends to an ex when he really has work to do with you. That will be ongoing and will develop with more sobriety as "living amends" provided you are both invested in the marriage. It's a lot easier to call or email your ex and say "sorry I was a drunk jerk" than it is to talk to your current spouse who has put up with it for years and still has problems trusting you.
