The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I was working through my 4th step (and plan to go through it again soon) one resounding theme was how much I can lie to myself.When others lie to me I dont get bent out of shape but I do let them know Im aware.Sort of an I saw what you did there but no further discussion needed.Doing that with my kids created an atmosphere where they would come clean with me in their time.
But I wasnt coming clean with myself. Lately I seem to be a jumbled work in progress of acceptance, compassion and detachment.Its a very calming feeling but as always in my life I get new things to work on when I get better at others Gods such a good teacher LOL.Along with a post way back about the reaction I get to my ex, when NOT in his presence Im working on compassion for him.I think hes had enough of his own consequences that I dont need to rub anything in.Recently an error child support services started taking $50 from his tiny unemployment checks and giving it to me so I gave it back he needs it more than I do.
Then I got sick and that challenged my whole acceptance deal HUGE because the illness is extremely unpleasant, often painful and sometimes debilitating. Im such a do it myself monster and it was putting me down and out. I was being so stubborn and finally I got it and said fine Ill rest! in a throw my arms in the air response.Oh wait, accept that Im sick? You dont say
Its all so tied.The ability to sit back and see that things are as they are people are who they are life is what it is instead of insisting it all go my way.
The exABF is in recovery again and asked that we stay in communication he likes the ideas I have for structure in life.Hes under structured, Im over structured LOL.Hes changed up his program and I was impressed with a very heartfelt comment he made recently to me where he said basically I cant handle the pain of relapse anymore I dont care what it takes Im going to figure this out.So hes got his new sponsor, is going to get a service position in his main meeting (already applied and is on a waiting list but going to set up the meetings for now), is rooming with another clean and sober long-time friend and hes not putting any expectations on me right now which is really good.Ironically my entire family adores him but they trust my judgment.
Heres the hard part.Im just not going to lie to myself.I really would like him in my life but for now I need to sit back and watch for awhile.And hes ok with that so it works.I have to work on accepting him.Until I can accept ALL of him, I cant ask him to be in my life.That was hard to see because its just so easy to say hes got the issue, not me but no thats not true.My issue is do I trust myself enough to stay detached and can I accept him entirely as he is? Until I work through that I have to stay back.My reaction when I broke up was typical me.I ran.I did better with the boundaries this last time, and I still trust my decision to break it off and Im thankful I was able to just get back to me much faster.But I didnt accept him.I told him he had to be someone else and so theres one of my issues
Now I need to focus on accepting others as they are.Accepting my exH to be who he is, thats so hard for me and I have a lot of pain to dig through to do that.Accepting my exBF to be who he is I think that one might be easier but the reality is I have to do both because in both cases, I need to learn to be vulnerable with boundaries.Im slowly getting the boundaries part but not the vulnerability and its like a tightrope walk because one side you fall into foolishness, the other side you fall into isolation, in the middle you learn to accept, detach, love and trust.
Im so thankful that I do not need any answers as I work through this.I can screw this up and get up again, I can learn and move forward, I can keep at it.Because I dont see this as just related to two men in my life, I see this related to the universe.Ive been learning to accept that my parents are getting old, forgetful, confused and its scary.What a great tool this would be to love them and be there for them no matter how irritated or impatient I might have otherwise felt?What a great tool for my son who is mentally ill, to not take his moments personally? To love him through an episode with boundaries and compassion? What a great tool to trust myself more, and allow myself to be imperfect while I allow others to be imperfect.
As I move this direction I notice that my life has less friction.Feelings are beginning to be things I accept and let go.I was really hurt about missing a trip to London over my exs relapse I fought the urge to blame him and took a deep breath and said yeah that hurts and Im very sad and angry BUT I trust the decision I made to not go as being the right decision.So I couldnt blame anyone, not even me LOL.I let the sadness out and went on to have a fantastic bonding vacation with my sister and it included a tattoo, my first LOL.Im saying yes more in life now and it feels great.I can be happy/sad/angry/lonely/joyful and whatever feeling you can imagine and STILL function wow, what a revelation.I was even able to feel joy for my exBF who DID go (it was a family trip for him) and he stayed sober (without my interference no less LOL) and spent time with his family and I did not curl up in a ball and feel jealous.Acceptance is kinda cool
Well we can tell ourselves we won't accept the "unacceptable" but in the end, will we get what we want? People are who they are so either I accept everyone in my life as they are, or I fight a losing battle attempting to get them to see things my way (ie: that's unacceptable to me, I expect you to do it my way instead). I'm learning that if I find something unacceptable in another person, I have to decide if that means they can't be a part of my life. And that is where I am sitting right now, watching and learning to see if this will be a case of "you can't be in my life" or a case of "I accept you as you are and you can be in my life".
