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I came home early from a trip tonight and found AH trying to hide his beer cans and bottles. I did NOT handle it well. I slammed a few doors, stomped around like a tantrum throwing child. I didn't engage, but I do feel like shutting down and shutting him out again. He accused me of trying to trap him, I told him that I felt I trusted his words and that I didn't think he would be drinking so it was no big deal. And, really, I had a gut feeling that he wouldn't be drinking and I have every right to return to MY home whenever I please. I am just mad at myself for throwing any trust his way and mad at him for, yep, doing what alcoholics do right? UGH!
I have to get really and boy to I mean REALLY honest with myself, if I really take a look back at the pain and frustration I have gone through I am so mad at myself more than anyone else really, I have to own my part of expecting someone to be something they are not. I completely agree your home to and you have the right to come home when you want. His home too and you are gone so of course he gets caught he's going to deflect from what is really going on.
If I might point out a little fib you are telling yourself in one statement and I mean this with tremendous amount of love and compassion in this situation .. just the other day in your post titled "acceptance" you stated that you knew he was drinking. So the fact that you are verbally saying that you trusted his word, you threw trust his way .. no you didn't. You already knew he was drinking. He drinks on his trips so why would it be so over the top if you are out of the house for him to drink at home? Maybe it would be a good opportunity to address why in one breath you are saying you know he's drinking and in the next you are trusting him not to?
Hug it's so very true that expectations are premeditated resentments. I can't control someone else to think the way I think they should when just like you said .. he's doing exactly what alcoholics do.
Hugs again, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Honestly, I started to question whether he really drank on that trip. Yes, I know, DUH look at the evidence. I really was starting to feel feelings for him that haven't been there in a VERY long time. I actually sort of liked him again and we were getting along so I let down a bit of a wall, began to think about trusting him, and then I lied to myself about whether he was drinking while traveling because he told the marriage therapist that "SHE ASSUMES GUILT EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS". I thought, maybe he's right? Maybe I'm the one who's wrong? Of course, denial plays a huge part of this, too.
I realize now, after not sleeping much tonight, that I still do accept this and I wasn't surprised. What surprised me was my anger. I guess I figured I'd react better since I knew deep down what to expect. I kept thinking that if I accepted it, then why am I so damn angry? I just re-read what I wrote last night and re-lived our little argument in the garage. I think what I wanted was to say that "I wanted to trust his words and I truly didn't want to believe he would be home drinking", but in my gut I knew the truth. I kept praying for an hour over and over again for God to be with me when I got home because I wanted to come home and find NORMAL. And, now I'm angry at myself because I was living in fairy tale land again.
Not sure you are ever going to accept him doing things that are sneaky and deceitful. Maybe you had a gut feeling he wasn't drinking "at home" cuz of the efforts to be sneaky and do it away from home are so strategic. The thing about alcoholism is that a person will try to get away with it in all settings as the disease progresses. Eventually drinking invades all areas of life. Maybe you trusted him to be sober cuz you left him "in charge" of your son? To a person that is convinced they don't have a problem, they don't see that drinking at home, while being responsible for your son, while needing to drive....They do not see that this is a problem cuz, after all, "He's just having a few beers." He seriously believes that and thinks YOU are the one with the problem for being so hung up on him "having a few beers to relax.".....um...depite passing out in the closet and getting a DUI and other mounting evidence that it's rarely "a few" and that he can handle drinking responsibly.
Regardless, this is the nature of the beast. To keep it more focused on you - It would still seem that you are struggling with accepting things that may or may not be unacceptable to you. This causes you to get angry with yourself. I wish I knew the answer to make that better but it's your journey. I would say that your post prior to this was more about awareness. You are pretty aware of his disease and how it plays out. You do not really accept it, because even in that post, you ended it with a basic ultimatum "If he drinks, I won't work on the marriage." You might think that is acceptance, but it's really committing to not accepting because you left yourself no outlet to be happy or satisfied. You want a happy marriage. You made it contingent upon his drinking. You know he won't stop drinking right now. Hence, you set yourself up to be miserable.
This response is heavy on psychobabble....Just wanting you to find happiness and I support you in that this is a very frustrating situation and a scary one in that so much of you and your time has been invested in this relationship.
Pinkchip, my son was with me thankfully. My son isn't comfortable around dad these days, I have him in therapy as I don't know what's going on in his 13 year old mind.
I had to read your response about 6 times before I could respond, LOL! You hit the nail on the head. I accept that he is who he is, etc but I agree that I am struggling to accept things that aren't acceptable to me. Like I'm sitting here knowing I find his behavior unacceptable 'to me', yet I still stick around and live with it for some sick reason, and that makes me angry at myself.
Honestly, I am confused about the ending to your second paragraph. We all know that marriage therapy doesn't really work when one participant is active in their disease. I just don't see how going to marriage counseling with him while he's currently drinking will do us any good. I am not sure how that boundary/ultimatum is not acceptance. Oh, wait, I had to read it again and I'm getting more clarity. I see, I made my happy marriage contingent upon whether he drinks or not and since he won't stop drinking, I'm going to be in a miserable marriage. True, so true. I honestly, though, don't see how we can be 'happy' if he continues to drink. The lying, sneaking, etc part of the disease can really wear a person down and I'm not sure I'm cut out for that kind of stuff. I find lots of peace through Al Anon, through church and friends and neighbors, and through working with my sponsor and therapist. My self esteem is growing, and yet I feel like I'm keeping myself trapped here. I have my reasons. I remember when I started Al Anon that I told myself I wouldn't make any life changing decisions for a year. That will be in February, so in the meantime I keep praying for my Higher Power to guide me through the awareness, acceptance, and action phases. I work the steps to the best of my ability and I am trying to take my punches as they come, so to speak.
For me acceptance was very painful. I had to, think , know and truly feel that I was powerless over a situation which I found unacceptable. I then had to agree within that it was not going to change and that I could learn to live with it in a constructive manner or I leave. I could not expect the other person to change. If my partner is not in recovery then expecting them not to drink is a built in resentment.
Praying for MY WILL never worked either I was still running on SELF WILL . The 11th Step reminded me to pray only for knowledge of HP's will and the POWER to Carry IT OUT.
Program is a process You are working hard and doing well.
Going in and out of fairytale land is so very very normal. The good news is the visits become less frequent and the duration of stay shorter. I get to walk out and go .. well that was a lesson learned .. lol .. maybe I would like to stop visiting that one. I have seen the glimmers of the man my stbax used to be and I buy into the whole well maybe he's actually getting his act together. What I don't take into consideration is that he's not been normal for a LONG time and what I have seen is glimmers of MY hope of the person he could be if he would only (and you can fill in the blank on that one).
That's usually why I get so angry with myself is my own expectation that this time MY will is coming to pass. Just like Betty has pointed out running on self will gets me into more trouble because I am not my STBAX's God. His HP has a plan for him that doesn't include me.
His recovery or non recovery is seriously none of my business even if he is the father of my kids. He has to find his own way and maybe he will and maybe he won't, it's not about me and my time.
As far as keeping the focus on me vs the addict, it's only now I'm truly starting to understand what that phrase means to me. I have heard it for the past year here on the boards and then heard it verbally in the rooms. My sponsors says .. honey, when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will do something different. LOL .. crap .. I hate it when she's right. Even my own therapist saw this weekend coming to pass she said to me .. I'm concerned you are getting sucked in and you are going to get your feelings hurt. If that happens pointing the finger at the A in your life isn't going to work as you kind of set the stage for this resentment. Again .. hate it and do I mean HATE IT when she's right!!!! She was on the money and it's why I keep coming back to MIP, the meetings and to my shrink. I have to really learn to take baby steps and to understand what it means to keep the focus on me and not what my STBAX is or is not doing.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
well, this reply comes late, things are probably totally different in your house today, with all new emotions....
But I like the post and the replies. it brings back a flood of memories. I know that I took my husbands drinking and alcoholic behaviors personally. Today I know, none of it was personal. He is just sick. That's the way the disease acts. It is not personal.
Looking back, I know that when I finally decided to divorce, I was finally deciding to let him live his life as he chooses, to give him that dignity. My old thinking was that he needed to do X,Y,Z before we could live happily ever after. That is not unconditional love. it's me loving him on conditions, which is not very spiritual. that's not Love. Divorcing was loving myself (and him) so that we could both live in peace.
It's going to be okay. No matter what he does. If you believe in change, YOU are the one who has to change. You could practice letting him be, knowing that he has his own Higher power - that is FAITH. not having to control, or even know the outcome of things. No one, and especially me, ever got well with someone shaking their finger at me in disgust. Only when I was loved and accepted as I was (the way they treat me in the rooms of al-anon) am I able to heal. I figure the same is true with the alcoholics in my life.
But Bonnie, you're doing exactly as I did, my friend, we accept things when we're ready to accept them, not a moment sooner. You are okay ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 18th of September 2012 03:38:06 PM
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 19th of September 2012 08:04:15 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
