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There are many things that it is time for one of them is it's time for me to finish this divorce. I have thought and prayed about it and received some new information and I AM DEF going respond in a very appropriate way. It's amazing to me how God continues to bless and present things just as I need them.
The other thing I had a rude awakening and I have to admit that my stbax is right about is it's time to move past the past (even though the past continues to affect the present because .. LOL .. while the DUI DID happen 2 years ago he was only sentenced this year in Feb .. it's in the past according to him .. I really have to focus on the fact I know my truth, I REALLY DO know what the truth is and I love how dismissive he is about it. It's hysterical how he takes and twists things to his need to both rewrite history, as well as just the sheer symantics of it all.
It is truly time to fully let go of the past. The present is crazy enough bringing up the past, it's more about MY need to be right. DUH .. LOL .. I don't know why that hit me like a ton of bricks today however it was like a glowing light bulb going off.
It is time to let go and let God and just accept that I have been lied to and I don't need to beat him up with the fact he's a liar .. I KNOW he's a liar. I'm just always stunned by the way he opens his mouth and the lies just fall out. I guess I just so want him to be aware of how he consistantly lies .. LOL!! IT'S NOT MY PLACE!! I'm going to be saying that as a mantra as well as wearing a rubber band on my wrist so when I feel the need to be right snapping the rubber band.
Anyway, .. it's amazing how these glimmers of DUH come into play and I am going to have to admit something .. STBAX was right. It's funny in that ironic kind of way I have heard this in a gentler way from other loved ones and MY need to be right stems from my fear of not being believed and not being heard. I'm kind of in awe over that little discovery. I haven't even had any coffee yet. LOL!
It is time to start doing things way different in my relationship with the stbax which will impact my kids in a positive way as well as myself.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you for sharing your revelation, Pushka. I have always felt the need to be 'right' and call my AH out on his lies even when he'd flat out deny it or lie about it. It's pointless. Your HP knows the truth. One thing my sponsor shared with me recently was that my A is right where God wants him right now. Who am I to question the path that God has set forth for this person, who am I to say that it should be different? I know I'm not God so why do I feel the need to always prove someone wrong or feel the need to question the path they are on? I have every right to remove myself from that person's influence if I don't like the path they are on and if I feel it harms me or my child in some way. But, at least I have finally learned that I don't need to question it or challenge it, because in reality it does me no good and only puts me further down into MY own denial.
FYI: my sister just told her sex addict husband that she is filing for divorce this week, too. It's time for her, just as it's time for you. My time? I haven't gotten that answer from God yet, so I am enjoying taking things day by day and trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm not omniscient, I'm not clairvoyant, and I'm certainly not a fortune teller so I guess I just have to trust my Higher Power.
The 3 As are indeed at work here I heard the Awareness, Acceptance and Action unfold with ease. I agree, it is time to do things differently and using the hte simple alanon tools I was given the courage, serenity and wisdom to l implement these changes with HPs guidance.
I expect insanity from my ex-A if I talk to him or run into him. I haven't heard from him since I refused to loan him 20 bucks...whatever. I know what to expect. Not so much lies as self-delusion. He will always be involved with some other addict or alcoholic that "needs him" and makes him feel good. He will go to church but won't really make any spiritual progress because he is not sober and has a victim mentality. He always wants to run and change situations rather than changing himself. He always will complain about others but the problem is him. I expect that. It's okay cuz he's not my problem now. I know he has some good traits and I care to a degree.....but I know what to expect and have totally given up on things being different for him.
"MY need to be right stems from my fear of not being believed and not being heard"
Pushka -- this is such a profound statement....and SO true. When I was most sick with trying to prove him and his deeds wrong...it was driven by this fear ...that no one believed my truth...no one heard or cared about me.
Funny the first place I began to get this was the constant stories coming back through my kids of "dad says you do this" "dad says you don't do this" "dad says..." and the first few times my response was to argue. And the kids would usually respond right in line saying "yeah we tried to tell him that wasn't true" and it struck me wonder why I would want the kids to feel in the middle of that game and why would I care? And I couldn't come up with any good reason.
So the next time they came to me I said "so he says xyz, do you think it's true?" "well no, we see otherwise" (shortening of course). I said "do you think I believe it?" "I guess not?" and I said "Right, he's saying things we know aren't true so there is no reason to worry or be upset about it. Just ignore it, he's upset and I'm not going to let it bother me, I'd really like to ask that you not let it bother you".
Now of course, for kids to hear one parent saying disparaging things about the other parent, that's painful, frightening and angering so it took them a long time to learn to let it go. I just reminded them each time "do you think it's true?" "ok so if it's not true we aren't going to worry about it right?".
I think when I get caught up in wanting to be believed - I can generally come right back and point the other 4 fingers at me - I'm not believing myself. Once I thought and recognized "wait, I don't buy that crap he's selling" then it was really easy to get to "I don't care if he wants to lie because I know it's a lie". I've heard the kids on a couple of occasions stood up to their dad with "you know that's not true, mom doesn't even care when you say that stuff". That was on their own but I had to LOL at it.
Oh my goodness these responses just make my brain go ping ping ping.
ILD, .. I have been spending the past few months/years trying to make my STBAX think like I do .. thank goodness that he doesn't .. LOL .. my best thinking has gotten me into some big messes. I have filed for divorce, this would be having it finalized and be done with it. I am concerned about a few things and need to have a quick chat with my atty. Part of the reason for me getting this done now is because this past summer has been very stressful. I have been bullied, threatened and so on .. LOL .. I kid you not .. every two weeks it was he wasn't going to pay this .. he wasn't going to pay that and FINALLY he spoke to his atty and the atty told him PAY HER!! He is not understanding what a court order is and it seems now he does. He also now understands the concept of child support. These two things are HUGE!! He just believes he is going to push me in a corner and bully me and those days are long long long gone.
HotRod .. I didn't even think about the 3 A's .. LOL. That is so true though.
Pink - It is soooo interesting that you mentioned your ex going to church .. LOL .. I have been doing a dance between him telling me he wants to go to AA as well as he's going to church. He has wanted to attend AA on the nights we have Alanon. Just like you have come to the expectation or no expectation really the understanding that just because he tells me he's going to go doesn't mean he actually is. Now he's started going to church and he goes on the weekends he has the kids. LOL .. he has yet to make it when he doesn't .. again just like you said .. it's not my problem. I have to go back to NOT telling the kids to expect him there because it's not fair to them. Where my responses have been different .. is I continue to do what I need to do .. meaning I go to church on his visitation or not. I go to my Alanon meeting regardless of what he's doing or not doing. I still do 2 open aa meetings every week, provided I get my butt up and go .. LOL!! My point is I used to change ALL of my plans based upon what he did or didn't do .. I'm soooo proud of myself for continuing to do what I need to do. That is how much change has happened over the past couple of years. PLUS .. his relationship with his HP is on HIM!! If he has spirituaity good for him .. however if he doesn't what will happen? He will winid up back in trouble with the law. He's back to using pills to combat the drinking. I believe he will go off the pills when his probation is over and he will start drinking again.
Rehprof - HOLY COW!!! Your statements about proving him wrong .. mine is making him the complete bad guy and while he is a jerk .. there is no doubt about that .. what are my motives in needing to make sure that people believe that without question .. they can figure that out by his actions. I think he really scares me because he can be and I will stress can when he wants to be that "nice guy" act and it takes a long time to see it differently. It's very interesting to just look at that one statement and go .. UGH .. so I guess I have a little more work to do don't I? LOL!! I can go back and pin point exactly why I do that action in those situations. The more I perceive that someone is telling me I don't feel the way I do about something I am bound and determined to hang onto that feeling and convience them that yes I do feel that way. The reality is .. who cares if they validate how I'm feeling or not? It's MY feeling/s and there is SOMEONE (my sponsor) who will validate how I feel about a situation and allow me to work through it.
It's really been an amazing weekend considering I put myself into a painful situation. I did it though and I have to stop doing that to myself. I was very blessed to experience some great healing and some light bulb moments. I know I am due for a few more and that's all good.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback because like I said the whole idea of this was such a shock and interestingly enough I had such wonderful conversation with an AA friend today, and in speaking with them I wound up hearing what I needed to be reminded of out of my own mouth .. LOL!!
My STBAX doesn't think like me. DUH .. and again thank goodness he doesn't .. LOL!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
LOL .. that was another awareness and I had a situation come up and I was furious .. it was mean on his part. He lied to the kids. I was informed how he doesn't lie to the kids and I was like OMGosh .. sure you don't .. LOL!!! I have an atty letter that says he did. I didn't know what he had told the kids so when I was asked I was honest and was met with UGH .. he lied over that? WOW!! So I just am going to work on backing away and out of this stuff because the kids are smart they know and they know they are loved, safe and feel secure in what is going on with them. I have to learn to be ok with that and what is best for them.
I've told them before .. he loves you the best he can and sometimes his best pretty much sucks and I'm sorry that it's diffcult at times. We just need to be sure to keep praying for him.
At church this weekend I asked the person I prayed with to help me pray for the willingness to be willing to forgive and give up my resentments. That has been a theme and I'm very glad. It's been an amazing thing to watch unfold.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My ex-A would go to church with the mentality that it was a place and time to pray to God for all of his suffering and for him to finally "catch a break" and get some of the things he wanted and deserved. It was never out of gratitude. He told me he went to an AA meeting once. I felt hopeful for him but, ultimately, he could not surrender to the program. To do so requires stipping yourself of all your old ways and going through a tremendously painful but liberating growth process (pretty much the same as you have done in Alanon). Other folks just are not up to that sadly. They walk around wounded with a ton of bandaids barely keeping the wounds covered rather than opting for going "through" things. Hence, I let go. We are lucky to have this recovery.
As always I feel like you and I are in the exact same place, and that we are almost the exact same person. Especially this part of what you wrote:
"MY need to be right stems from my fear of not being believed and not being heard"
And this:
"It is time to let go and let God and just accept that I have been lied to and I don't need to beat him up with the fact he's a liar .. I KNOW he's a liar. I'm just always stunned by the way he opens his mouth and the lies just fall out.It is time to let go and let God and just accept that I have been lied to and I don't need to beat him up with the fact he's a liar .. I KNOW he's a liar. I'm just always stunned by the way he opens his mouth and the lies just fall out."
It's so timely you posted this. I am in the exact same place. Got furious at my AH yesterday (see my new post) and typed him this message on Facebook letting him know ONCE AGAIN how low he has sunk on the totem pole of humanity. It's the hardest when he hurts my kids. I have gotten to a place that I can let go regarding how he has treated me, but I am not there yet when it comes to my babies.
Pushka - your posts are always inspiring to me on my own journey. I too am walking a similar path to you (I'm a little behind your progress but working on it). For some reason, for me, the lying is the hardest thing. I think because when people lie to us it alters our reality, makes us doubt our own gut, and in my opinion is a bit of an insult to my intelligence, so it really gets me going. My AH is in rehab and continues to lie, just beyond frustrating, but ultimately - it is who he is. I have to learn to accept it. Keep on keeping on, you are an inspiration always! ts
I love this post and your vulnerability! I too keep putting myself in situations with the exAH that I know will hurt me some more. Did you watch the movie "Eat, Pray, Love"? It so summarized stages of my life. The 3 A's great remminder. My sponsors favorite things to say to me " yes,the stove is hot" and yes "if an A's lips are moving he is probably lying". I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Again .. love the responses to this post because where ever I am at in the past 72 hours this is so what I have needed to read and while I have thought about it .. it hasn't consumed me as it would in the past. I can think or ponder about what my part is in this .. if I actually own a part and how I can let it go.
The lying .. boy oh boy .. the lying is truly hard to let go of and it always sounds so passe when this is said it's soooo true .. the lying isn't personal and I tend to forget that because it feels like a personal attack on my mental state. I'm crazy and he's normal. HA!! Now .. who's crazy in that statement ME if I actually buy that .. I know I'm not crazy .. crazy behaving I will buy .. crazy no .. it is NORMAL not to want to be lied to and have a loved one say this is the truth and be able to believe them. If I wasn't in a dysfunctional relationship then I should be able to believe when a loved one says .. this is what I was doing and not break out the spanish inquisition as to the who, what, when and why questions. Again .. it only means I am buying the fact he's selling the you're crazy line. I don't need to prove to him that I"m not crazy as long as I fully believe my truth. It's only when I don't believe my own truth that I start in with the spanish inquisition stuff and I have new and bizzaro ways to inflict torture and pain that boomaranges back on me. Why do I feel worse when he lies and I know he is lying? It's the expectation that I deserve to know the truth and the reality is well, sure I deserve to know the truth and I think of Jack Nicholson screaming YOU CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH .. and there is a lot of truth ot that statement. What if I had all of the "truth" he had to tell. How would that change the past? How would it make things better for me presently? It's not going to change anything and I would probably only wind up feeling worse than I have in the past. What I really want is an amends and that's not my right to demand as he's got to find it within him to willingly give it or it's not going to be worth the time. The same way I have to be willing to make amends to people I have hurt with my own behavior. Only God knows when that time will come and if it will, I can be willing and that's the best I have got. It's the same for him .. if he's not willing then he's going to continue to get exactly what he has gotten and it won't matter how long he goes to counseling there is no rigerous honesty and I only need to be concerned and just like Pink said, aren't we so very lucky to have recovery. YES!!!
The stove is TOTALLY HOT!!! It's to hot to stand next to and to hot to approach I know this and yet I still need to feel the heat from time to time. I also agree lips are moving in an active alcoholic and they are probably lying so sad.
I am going to rent that movie the next time the kids are gone for an evening!!! I know you have mentioned it before BF and I spotted a copy at the video store so I am soooo going to have to pick a copy up the next time I head in to the video store.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
