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here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH works second shift. During the week, that is 3-11, and I am fast asleep by the time he gets home and starts drinking. Many months ago, in an effort to help preserve my sanity, I instituted some tactics like running a fan or white noise machine while I sleep, to mask the noise he makes and the sounds of beer cans opening. It has helped a lot, and 99 days out of 100 I maintain my serenity just fine at night during the week.
When he works overtime on weekends, the shift is 1-9. I am still up when he gets home, although I tend to go to bed soon after he arrives, or I relax in the bedroom while he boozes it up in the living room. We have had conflicts before, when he pushes and pushes and pushes me to sit on the couch with him while he drinks. Sometimes my serenity can handle it, but much of the time I just can't.
Well, today has been an incredibly stressful, difficult day. The little one (who is 2) has been a holy terror. The big dog (who is the dog my AH brought into the marriage; I love this dog dearly, but he is very challenging in many ways due to severe abuse at the hands of his prior owners. And of course, even though he is my AH's dog, I deal with him a lot more than my AH does) was barking like crazy at my 9-year old's friend who came over, so I stuck him in the basement (which we do whenever either of the dogs gets obnoxious). He promptly peed all over the mattress and rug down there. So I had to drag the dumb pee-soaked mattress upstairs, clean all that stuff up. I am stressed out and at my absolute limit, and feeling VERY resentful that three years ago, after a day like this I could look forward to some quality quiet time with my husband but now I won't even want to be in the same room with him.
I'm trying not to focus to intently on the "what-ifs", but I feel like I need some tools for handling his insistence that I hang out with him while he drinks, when my emotional gas tank is at empty. These are the times when I am mostly likely to fall away from my own program, and I really, REALLY don't want the drama that comes with ignoring my program tonight.
What sorts of things do you all do/say to your AH when he/she is pushing to spend time together (which, let's be honest, isn't "together time" at all...it's just warming the couch while your A gets wasted three feet away) and you just want to be left alone but don't want to start a bunch of drama? Because if he pushes me too far tonight, I can very easily see myself launching into a tirade about the bajillion reasons I don't want to spend time with him, from the names he calls me to the disrespectful way he treats me to the way he called me "disgusting" the other day when I coughed because I have a cold. And of course, there is always a part of me that wants to launch into that tirade. But I know it will do nothing but create conflict and disrupt my own serenity.
I don't have anything really, it's a stressful way to spend an evening. I just remember my mom and my s/dad. It was awful to watch and have to be a part of .. nothing she did was every good enough forget about anything I did .. soooo many different things he would say and do. Thankfully in dealing with the STBAX it was stoney cold silence .. and I'm way ok with that now.
If you are sitting on the couch in hte livingroom with him can you read some alanon material? Keeping my mind in my program in some way makes a BIG difference in my evening or day when it's rough.
Sending you love and support,
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'd go find a meeting or a sponsor to call for a long talk or literature or something program. I'd limit my time hanging out with the alcoholic/addict with something other planned for myself. Or be sweet...ask him for some help by letting you retire early cause you're tanked. If that don't work go have a chat with your HP. ((((hugs)))) sorry that you seem to be twix a rock and a hard place.
I know where you are coming from, when the A in my life drinks in the evening I just practice my boundaries and refuse to be be drawn into conversation/interaction.
It's incredibly stressful and I usually find myself logging onto al-anon chat (being in the UK means that usually chat is empty haha), but practising al-anon steps in my head, repeating the serenity prayer ... and ultimately getting to f2f meetings will help.
