The way I see it, they are damaged, and severe emotional damage produces anger and hostility.  They have not learned the skills and understanding to be compassionate or patient.  When you feel as if everything has been denied you and it's been a struggle from start to finish, you don't have consideration left over for other people.  One psychologist I read described damaged, enraged people as "inconsolable."  Of course we compulsive helpers tend to think, "If only I offer him enough understanding and kindness, he'll heal!"  But it's not that simple.  In their self-absorption they will take and take and take.  It doesn't heal them, it just damages us.  I do believe most people can heal, but they have to seek it avidly themselves, and get a lot of help, the right kind of professional (and/or 12-step) help.  Healing can't be imposed upon them.  Meanwhile their self-focus is so absolute that there's almost no room for the feelings of others.  And addiction just makes this much worse, since the alcohol or drugs makes them even more focused on getting drunk/high to the exclusion of everything else, and numbs them out so much that they don't learn to engage with the real world.  It just spirals downhill.  And we're like a person hoping to stop the out-of-control hurtling semi by standing in the middle of the road -- "I'll just push real hard and this truck will stop!"  And we get run over.  That's the way I see it.

Hurt people .. hurt people. It's a sad cycle and it's completely ironic that you posted this because that is oh so where I am at. I'm feeling ashamed at myself for believing once again that he had a shread of some kind of kindness inside of him. I touched the stove thinking things would be different and they are not different.

Thank you for this post I really like the ESH here. I def needed it tonight. The worst part is I have to own my part for expecting him to act differently than I know him to be .. at some point I will learn AND remember that fact!!!!

Hugs P :)

 

The anger is a consequence of the loss of control and the lack of acceptance.  His life is spinning out of control...anger.  He cannot or will not accept the consequences of his alcoholic behaviors...anger.  The anger is also one of the default results of fear  "flight" or "FIGHT".  Don't take it personal cause you didn't cause it, cannot control it and won't be able to cure it.  Its his deallie whopper all for himself.  Its okay to take yourself out of range of it and off the target cause its his and his alone.  Let him own it.   Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))

So true. It has hurt me so greatly that I have dedicated a third of my life to loving and supporting my AH. I spent the first four years we were married working three jobs so he could go back to school and get his degree. Then I got pregnant with twins, which was not an easy pregnancy, labor or delivery, but brought forth two wonderful boys to carry on his name, and then delivered a third boy four years later. While pregnant with that one I was holding down a full time job, carrying for four year old twins since he never was home from work before 7:00 pm, and was also working on a master's degree. For most of the time we have been together, I have been the breadwinner as well as the one who carried the health insurance. I have stood by him as he lost one job after another once the economy tanked, encouraged him, helped him look for new jobs, wrote cover letters for him, made sure he ate healthy when he developed hypertension and high cholesterol. In the meantime, his worthless family never did a thing for him except take, take, take. Now he's completely succumbed to total alcoholism. I had to kick him out of our house because it was getting to be too traumatic for our children to see their father falling down drunk on a daily basis, plus I was worried that with his habit of driving while intoxicated something terrible was going to happen and I did not want to be involved in that. He has been hospitalized twice and has relapsed again and again. So guess where he is now? Sure enough, hiding away in the basement apartment his mother lives in at his sister's house. They have circled the wagons around him and refuse to answer the phone when they see it is my number (my boys have tried calling him, I personally have no desire) or anyone else that might want to encourage him to take responsibility for his actions. His mother defended him to a friend of ours today, saying that she thought the root of all of his problems was me. It's amazing to me how totally alike they all are. I read the posts of others on this board and it's like they all could be describing my AH perfectly. They are mean, damaged, miserable human beings. It's amazing to me how his family wouldn't have anything to do with him when he was living a responsible and moral life and would encourage him to do the same, but now that he has sunk to this level suddenly they're all about protecting him. I just pray that I can break that cycle for my own boys.

I think sarcasm, meanness and selfishness is a common thread among alcoholics. It is easier to blame everyone else for everything than accept that they are in charge and the cause of their misery. Once their brain gets conditioned to it and continually damaged from the drinking, it takes over their personality. It hurts so much to be on the receiving end of such sickness. Like others here say, that's where self-care comes into play. He will either deal with it or not, but you can be ok regardless. In support, nyc