Help detaching - Al-Anon Family Group

Pipper · Member

Help detaching

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Pipper,

I was so so obsessed with my ABF and his life and problems before al anon.

It took time to stop fousing on him and start to put the focus on myself. It was hard for me I had a dream a fantasy of how I wanted him to be our life to be togther and my fantasy did not match reality. I learnt the hard way that I could only do my part.

we seperated for about six months when he had a slip. It was easier with time for me to cncentrate on my life. Lately I have been working really hard on my recovery I have joined a step group and I am really committed to doing the 12 steps through. We are back together today but I am still doing all the things I was wghen we seperated. I go to exercise classes. out with friends, spend time with my daughter shopping etc. I walk my dog.

I do understand how hard it is to take your eyes off him but there is nothing you can do, and our lives pass us by.

I am discovering what I like to do and doing it, its exciting , life is better more fun. His life is still not that good but that is his, I love him but his journey is his. If someone asks me today I tell them how I am doing, how my life is, what my hobbies are. the best thing recovery has done for me is to help me fine myself again and to realise I am important to and my life derserves my attention.

good look with YOUR recovery journey.

hugs tracy xxx

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Piper, I am sorry someone said that to you in that way. Let me say it this way. Thru Al Anon we learn to keep the focus on us. BUT I would say almost everyone starts by saying what the A does!! In time as we learn, we stop focusing on the A and look at how we can make our own lives happy.

Yes it is normal to wake up or turn around and there he is on your brain again. This is the first of it, you are noticing this now, that is progress! So now the next step is to stop yourself and put in your mind what works for you.

Ex: My life is my own. I will think about me. OR:it is totally in his lap, not my inventory. OR: It will be ok no matter what.

after awhile it will come natural to switch over to what you really want to think about. kids, flowers, pumpking cheese cake...(c:

He is going to do whatever he does. So we learn to look at what do we want.What do you want? Looks like you are taking great steps going to meetings and making goals of your 12 steps.

I invite you to look at self help books. Ones that ask you questions that you write in the book. find out who you are inside. Who are you anyway? What do you love? What gives you the most joy?

Once you build you up, you start doing more, lightening up on him, your self esteem grows and you can look at your situation better.

for me detaching was I separated the disease from him. I loved him, I hated the disease. I have no bitterness anymore.

We also protect ourselves against the disease. Keep our financial lives separate, have our own vehicle, keep things in our names with out him or her that is the a.

What scares you the most that he is drinking? What does it mean to you? He is an A, he is going to drink. So what makes you stay with him?

Myself I love addicts. They are totally different than non addicts. I am very attracted to their characters. Sadly along with some of the neat things about them, comes the horrible disease part. So we may meet them young and fun cute, charismatic, they seem so sure of themselves...then as time goes on, the disease is rotting them away.

I know better than to be involved with one anymore. I don't want to watch some one I love, my mate die again. twice is enough. I don't want to see them do the gross things they do. I KNOW what keeps me away from them.

It almost killed me twice now to have to watch it. no more.'

Sooo Piper one day at a time. Wake up, think of YOU. What can I do for me today? Even going to get a sorbet or coffee, or buy a flower, take the dog somewhere. whatever.

watch netflix and eat popcorn. Its ok to pamper you. It is ok for you to be happy and not allow him to pull you into the pit. I remember him saying oh I feel so sick. I would say well it sucks to be you! In a loving way. Or if he made a dumb choice, driivng got dui, I would say well we all make our own decisions. that is just one I would not make.

I told A it was his disease, his thing. I didn't want to hear anything about it. Not my thing. I just loved him.

Its not the relationship we probably wanted or needed. But there again we have a choice. It never gets better. Its a horrible disease that gets worse and worse with hopefully some recovery in between. A few make it years.

so glad you came here. Please go back to your meeting. that person meant well. Sometimes its more in how we say things. It is much better to talk about us, our fears, our questions. etc.

I also researched the heck out of addition. wet brain, brain damage etc.

they do not think like we do. symptoms can include drinking, other drugs, lying, manipulation, selfishness, no compasssion.

Anway please come back! love,debilyn

holivex · Veteran Member

Hey Pipper,

I understand completely how you feel. I have been feeling the same way about my AH, obsessing about him, worrying, the longing for him to be here at the house with my children and me was so much it felt like physical pain. So I let him back into our lives a little bit last weekend. Was under the impression that he was finally in recovery after his second stay in a detox/rehab facility. Saw his AA log sheet and everything, and bought it hook, line, and sinker. Little did I know he was back to drinking and was lying to me YET AGAIN. I think this time I am completely over it. Everyone can tell you that you need to break free, let him go, etc., but what I have found is that the heart wants what the heart wants. When you get to the point that you have reached your limit, you will know. And it's possible that you won't ever get there. I had someone tell me the best advice ever at an Al-Anon meeting: You have to give yourself permission to love this man. As soon as she told me that, it was like a weight lifted. I realized that nobody can dictate to me how I should feel. And it seems like once I came to that realization, it was easier for me to let him go again this time. I'm not longer having doubts about my pending divorce. I'm no longer panicking at the thought of him taking up with someone else. You are going through a crisis. Don't put pressure on yourself or judge yourself for the way you feel. Just wait it out and get some support in the meantime. You don't have to make any decisions until you feel ready.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

this post was dejavu for me today , my sponsor challenged me to NOT talk about my husb at meetings , needless to say I was forced to listen it was about 6 weeks before I finally got that this is about me talking about what he was doing was just a waste of my time . when we arrive here there is no us its all about them , we have no life of our own and thats pretty sad but remember your not alone I believe we all did the same thing .. Louise

Pipper · Member

Thank You so much for your responses as the day went on realized the person meant well . I am just saying over and over not my problem and serenity prayer I'm hoping with time I really start believing it and it gets easier. I guess when your married a long time 28 years our lives became meshed together and I lost my identity so I have to get some hobbies on my own.now I'm taking my daughter out to dinner and going to have some fun. Lol

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