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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Plotting and planning ..
Post Info TOPIC: Plotting and planning ..
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3870
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Plotting and planning ..
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LOL .. my name is Pushka and I'm a meddler .. I need a 12 step daily program to remind me not to meddle.  UGH!!!  It's a really hard habit to break.  So this weekend I was all so proud of myself for a few reasons .. my boundaries are getting stronger.  I'm more able to see when I do things that cause me pain and back away from them.  I had my boundaries all mapped out some things have gotten a little weird over the past few weekends and it's good however lacks follow through on STBAX's part which is not my issue.  So here I am with my big plans and of course God (HP of my understanding) had a good laugh .. i swear there are days I'm just here to amuse Him.  LOL!!  Between the denied website thing and now this .. I was like .. Ok .. I hear you however I"m hard headed and a fast forgetter thank you for the reminder now can we move on to someting else?!  Followed by You really think You are funny and I'm just saying .. don't quit Your day job!  evileye

My plotting and planning just didn't work out all of the effort that I put in to knowing what action I was going to take was hysterical.  Thankfully I had the plan it just got shot to hell in a hand basket, which is so not a bad thing.  You know that whole don't just do something sit there slogan we have .. well that's pretty much it .. LOL!!

So I had a good laugh at myself, grateful I didn't have to bring it up because it would have meant some uncomfortable conversations so in the long run God did me a favor.  I'm sure I will have to have the conversations I just don't have to worry about it I already know what I need to say .. say what I mean, mean what I say and don't say it mean.  I have prayed about it feel good about it, and I know who I am. 

I think about where I was even just a year ago and I keep going back to the fact that a year ago I was still driving STBAX around because he had no license.  I think we were coming up on the end of everything still .. it's a humbling thought to realize how much has changed and how much I have changed more so.  I wouldn't have even considered going to CA in December to visit my great aunt.  I wouldn't have considered going to CA fo 20 days with the kids.  It wasn't that I didn't want to it just didn't seem that I had a choie.

I certainly would have never guessed I would be in the middle of a divorce at this point and how low my STBAX had sunk in his diseased mind.  That part I feel a sorrow for .. how far down he's fallen.  So disconnected from his family and from the kids, interestingly enough completely believing that I owe him friendship .. that one I do laugh at .. somewhere down the road maybe .. not now .. I'm not that evolved or enlightened at this point in my life.  He is not my friend nor am I his .. it's a business relationship for me.  I have shut down emotionally as far as seeing him and thinking what if.  I am trying to process all of the hurt, anger and rage as well that I feel so that I don't have to be so shut down emotionally for me. 

Last nights meeting was about motives and I'm so glad that was the topic because I really need to think about my motives in some of the decisions I'm currently making.  It's hard to curb the urge to cause him pain that I can see and I'm talking about the urge to lash out and weild that sword of justice that is not mine to weild. 

The great thing about this past week is the reminder once again that it's not MY will be done .. it's GOD'S will be done.  LOL .. I can plot and plan the reality is God has a far better plan than I hope to have and again with the reminder .. LOL .. geeze .. at some point I will get it a little easier.  wink

Ohhhh the other thing that whole hobby issue .. I have got to get a new hobby .. my hobby has been picking up the pieces of whatever crisis has happened, putting everything back together while pretending nothing is wrong.  It's a neat trick.  What happens to me when my old hobby and I get a divorce and there is no more picking up and putting together?  I'm telling you I will be a shell of a person and THAT probably scares me more than anything .. I am so much more than this.  I def need a hobby and I have a few in mind we'll see how it all works out in the long run.  I don't want to make recovery my hobby either .. that is a way of life for me .. my hobby needs to be something outside of all of that, so I will work in the yard today and think about what kind of hobbies interest me because I can't tell you really what I like to do .. STILL and I'm almost 2 years into the program!! 

I do get credit for how far I have come and it IS progress not perfection.  So as I work on step 4 these things will fall away in that healing hot blue fire of emotional health and these burning questions will start to get answers. 

Thanks for letting me share, Hugs P :) 

 



__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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wow do you think and talk as fast as you type? lol I didn't know what the stbx or whatever it was is or was. then got it.

It sounds like you have come to some real truths for you. You guys are not friends, you are feeling more secure where you are.

I like that you are thinking about some good unstressful hobby. I am curious what you will find you love to do.

Was interesting that you see yourself as seeming to make meddling a hobby and your recovery and your thing with him.

Of course my hobby, or interest is making environments for animals. And also making my environment comfy and nice. I am talking gardening and landscaping. I know this will sound crazy, but I love to spray off my deck. Its all I think about when I am doing it. For some reason it takes me away. So much that once the neighbor guy came up behind me out of nowhere and started talking. I turned around screamed and almost decked him!Sometimes what i like is doing wash and only think about that. Or building a piggy house, not allow my mind to go off from that.

Anyway thank you for sharing. I like where you are going!! love,debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
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Deb,

That is me without coffee .. LOL!! You know it's bad when the atty looks and says 3%, you are less than 3% of my clients. So to answer YES I do which is why I need to stop with the plotting and planning .. I have gone light years into the future and come to the realization in all of it that wondering/worrying there is nothing I can control there I mean yes I can have a dream, I can have a plan with the knowledge that things are subject to change. Before Alanon there was no such animal as subject to change in the plan if this was what someone said by golly this was what would happen .. I would get out my hammer and pound the square peg into the circle opening. So what if I caused someone else major discomfort, I couldn't see that part of it.

Hobbies .. there are two I'm thinking however are out of my budget at this moment. It could work out, I'm just going to sit a bit on it. I need a newer car for the upcoming winter, one attached with no carpayment we'll see how that works out. I'm now looking into becoming a paralegal .. my school aide didn't come through for the this semester so I will be looking at next semester big time. I am planning on going full time or pretty close to full time. I would like to specialize in a field such as business psychology kind of thing. If I'm going to plot and plan I need to be paid to do so .. I'm pretty good at it actually .. LOL!!!

Anyway, I feel really good about where I am at .. I have a few wonky things happening, however it's not my crisis and I didn't have anything to do with it .. lol .. it's kind of funny in a karma kind of way. I have to admit it's one of my dark fantasies that has nothing to do with me or by me .. so no cnn happening here!! :) Now if the dang whiskey truck would spontaneously combust somewhere out of the reach of anyone else being injured .. my dark fantasies would be almost complete. >:}

Hugs P :)







__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
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Oh I love it when we learn to lighten up some and add that to our recovery! you made me smile and giggle!

Do you like research? Are you a snoop and curious? you would love being a paralegal. Law is so interesting. Lots is so stupid too.lol

Nothing says you cannot get paralegal information and delve into it all. Educate yourself more about it,what it is exactly.

I like to do that about any big decision. Even when I get a dog.....I research it to death. Part of the fun.

Or even look up successful paralegals find out how those ones tick.

that is not exactly a hobby though come to think about it. lol I used to collect pig stuff of course. Gads I have so many piggy things it is insane. they are in bags stored! I want to donate them to this sanctuary that I love, to sell at the next garage sale.

anyway I am glad to see  you on your path. It sounds exciting. do you ever go to the court house and watch the court hmmm not shows....proceedings? haha. I did some. soooo interesting.

We are sooo ignorant to law. seems kinda dumb since there are so many things we are not suppose to do but no one tells us. i mean every freaking time we make a mistake it costs us money! What a set up eh?

hugs! I know you are going to clown school? Belly dancing? um chef?  debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
Permalink  

I have NO idea what I'm going to do for a hobby. LOL .. I like your suggestions gives me something to think about .. LOL.

I kind of already know what they do .. what I want to do is create a whole niche that is a service based thing that heals as well as helps with legal paperwork filing. I think I want to get some kind of degress and YES I love to do all of those things .. LOL.

As far as court I have attended court sessions and I can say this out loud now .. when my STBAX was going through his DUI stuff I attended court one day with the judge he was going to get .. it was interesting. I realized that he was in a whole lot more trouble than he even realized. It was actually ironic funny because he kept telling me how to drive on the way to court on his day and it was all I could do NOT to say .. I KNOW .. I"VE BEEN THERE!! LOL!!! When I am unsure as to how something is going to play out I tend to do that because I consider it part of my foot work .. to go and see what is going to take place. I have been far less nervous going into court knowing what to expect.

My personality is knowledge is power .. and for me that works. I can let go of the outcome, it helps for me to know that I have asked all of the questions I can ask of the situation. I have learned so much about this process what my rights are, .. what my children's rights are how it is that we are going to make it and so on.

Anyway, .. I really do need to get a hobby. I DID get the Y membership back and I'm very excited about that I qualified for assistance which is the only reason we can join. I'm grateful for that only because I need to get my butt up and moving. The kids and I can go swimming. I'm looking to get an exercise program going on.

Hugs P :)



__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
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