Lying? - Al-Anon Family Group

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Lying?

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

We all know the A in our life lies when they drink. Well, in my case anyway.

Does your A lie when they are sober? I mean about little petty stuff? Mine does. Not only that but continues to elaborate on that lie when that subject is brought up. I think a lot of it in my case is pride and not wanting to admit they were deceitful. Like I said... it's petty stuff. IT DRIVES ME INSANE. I have a bad habit of constantly bringing up known untruths JUST to get him to admit it. confuse

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

There is a saying that if their lips are moving they are lying. In my case STBAX lies over everything big and small. My saying is this .. he doesn't know where the lies stop and the truth begins because he really has sold himself a story he needs to believe desperately. It's part of trying to rewrite history.

The only thing I can do is trust my instincts, trust that I know my truth and God (HP) is looking out for the kids and myself. I do not doubt he means what he says at the time .. he just lacks the follow through to actually make it happen OR he wants to believe he did. It's really not my problem .. my issue is knowing my truth and not asking him things I already know the answers to, it's a fruitless effort to prove I'm right he's wrong and it comes down to do I want to be right or do I want to be happy.

I believe less than 5% of what comes out of my STBAX's mouth and that is the reality of my situation.

Hugs P :)

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

My exH did/does yes absolutely. My exABF only lied when he drank. I think it depends on character. ExH his character is just very weak, he is irresponsible, unstable and very angry inside. He drinks now so he was dry drunk while we were married. My exABF he lied only about drinking specifically when he drank. He did not lie about little things but he's more like my dad where they have the craving and have alcoholism but don't seem to have the other traits. I just think character plays a big part.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Mine lies when he's stone cold sober. Actually, I think he's more honest when he's drunk. Yes, he lies about petty stuff and I, too, feel the need to call him out on it. And, I agree, it's pride. I want to be right, to point out the insanity of the lie, to make him realize that I'm not stupid and that he can't pull one over on me. But, honestly what's the point? It's just going to be another fabrication, another stretch of the truth, another out right lie, and being able to say to myself, "See, I told you he was going to lie about that." doesn't really get ME anywhere except trapped by more resentment and anger. I am working on letting stuff go. Accepting the fact that he's going to lie and trusting my own instinct and my Higher Power to take care of me and lead me to know the real truth.

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

ilovedogs wrote:
Mine lies when he's stone cold sober. Actually, I think he's more honest when he's drunk. Yes, he lies about petty stuff and I, too, feel the need to call him out on it. And, I agree, it's pride. I want to be right, to point out the insanity of the lie, to make him realize that I'm not stupid and that he can't pull one over on me. But, honestly what's the point? It's just going to be another fabrication, another stretch of the truth, another out right lie, and being able to say to myself, "See, I told you he was going to lie about that." doesn't really get ME anywhere except trapped by more resentment and anger. I am working on letting stuff go. Accepting the fact that he's going to lie and trusting my own instinct and my Higher Power to take care of me and lead me to know the real truth.

MY biggest issue. Letting stuff go. disbelief

IWannaFly · Veteran Member

Mine lied about everything sober and drunk as long as his lips were moving! When drunk he would screw up the lies quicker to reveal the truth. Have to agree I think he may have been more honest when he was drunk. He lied over the stupidest things that didn't need lied about. Always confused me why such an effort to lie all the time..... seems like too much work to me keeping track of all those webs of deceit.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Compulsive lying is all a part of the disease of alcoholism.

It does not mix well with those of us who have the compulsion to ALWAYS BE RIGHT.

I saw it many times with my exAH. I swear I was like a predator on the hunt any time I sniffed a small un-truth anywhere. I was like some dog that just HAS to give chase the moment something runs from it.

No, it's not pleasant being lied to.

But through Al-Anon and open AA meetings, I learned that the A isn't sitting there thinking "Ha! You're so stupid! You believed THAT??". All they're thinking is what's the quickest means to an end to get them off the hot seat.

The question my sponsor always brought up to me was "So what's knowing going to do for you?". I had to start trusting my gut and instead of asking the same painful question over and over to the A, I just watched and observed and knew the truth that way without having to put the A through another Spanish Inquisition.

But yeah - ask yourself... do you WANT to know the answer? If you already know the answer, what's the point in poking and prodding the A to get what you want to hear out of him or her, especially when you know they're going to lie anyhow? Does the questioning process make you feel any better? Does it make the A feel any better? I suspect the answer to that would usually be "no".

-- Edited by Aloha on Wednesday 12th of September 2012 06:01:07 PM

Kismet · Veteran Member

ilovedogs wrote:
Mine lies when he's stone cold sober. Actually, I think he's more honest when he's drunk. Yes, he lies about petty stuff and I, too, feel the need to call him out on it. And, I agree, it's pride. I want to be right, to point out the insanity of the lie, to make him realize that I'm not stupid and that he can't pull one over on me. But, honestly what's the point? It's just going to be another fabrication, another stretch of the truth, another out right lie, and being able to say to myself, "See, I told you he was going to lie about that." doesn't really get ME anywhere except trapped by more resentment and anger. I am working on letting stuff go. Accepting the fact that he's going to lie and trusting my own instinct and my Higher Power to take care of me and lead me to know the real truth.

I was exactly the same... probably will be when he gets back and it scares the living daylights out of me. I don't want to feel that constant suspicion and anxiety any more!

And I must say that he will lie about ANYTHING. Your toes would curl if I shared some of the lies he has told in his life

Country Boy · Veteran Member

Mine lies about petty stuff drunk or sober. She lies about big stuff drunk or sober too now that I think of it! I used to call her out on it every time I caught her. Lets just say logic didn't get me far. Long frustrating arguments that would leave my head spinning wondering why in the hell either one of us would spend so much energy over something so small. Something that helped me was asking myself if I would rather be right or happy. Sometimes I still get sucked in though, she good at pushing buttons, especially mine.

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

Found an interesting article on compulsive/habitual liars:
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/confronting-a-partner/how-to-confront.html

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

Path to Serenity wrote:
Found an interesting article on compulsive/habitual liars:
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/confronting-a-partner/how-to-confront.html

WOW!

Thanks so much. Found the info about sociopathic lying. Fits him to a T. hmm

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

ELEKTRAWMN wrote:
Path to Serenity wrote:
Found an interesting article on compulsive/habitual liars:
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/confronting-a-partner/how-to-confront.html
WOW!

Thanks so much. Found the info about sociopathic lying. Fits him to a T.

So NOW what do I do with that information?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Lying is another symptom of being an addict, as is manipulation. So drunk or sober, or on program, they lie or are working on being honest.

ugh, debilyn

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

My STBX also lied often. He even lied to me when I asked where our RV was (he used to store it at his place of business). He told me it was "in storage at a friend's property." Come to find out in our financial disclosures for our ongoing divorce proceedings, he sold it to cover a "business debt" two years before he told me that we still owned it. He also told me that he had "taken care of" our loan modification for our home when our mortgage rate started to climb. One month later, I found out that our home was in foreclosure due to non-payment for over a year. Addiction must certainly be related to pathological lying.

It's interesting to note that one of the chapters of our "Blueprint for Progress" 4th Step workbook covers the topic of Honesty in ourselves. I imagine this is patterned out of an AA 4th Step exercise.

mehere80 · Member

All I can say is, per my sponsor and I love this:

"If you have a drunken horsethief and he get's sober.... well he's still a horsethief."

Kismet · Veteran Member

I can't tell you how good these responses make me feel! @Aloha I love your predator analogy... I would have to relate myself to a great white shark lol. I just have no idea how to accept being deceived all the time. How does anyone do it?

NCSUgeology · Veteran Member

My A brother lies about everything, even the smallest things, if it means he will get his way.

Just yesterday, he missed the 4:30 bus to get to school (he's back in college), and called to see if I would come take him. I was at my daughter's volleyball game, and told him couldn't. I told him to catch the 5:30 bus and he's only be 15 mins late for a 3 hour class. He swears up and down the 4:30 bus is the last bus running, and now he's going to miss his class because I won't take him. What he doesn't remember though, is I'm the one that gave him the bus schedule, so I know exactly when it comes by his house.

He's mad because I didn't drop EVERYTHING I was doing to help him. A's are a demanding bunch!

afglin · Senior Member

Absolutely! Mine lies drunk or sober. Sometimes the lies done even make sense. My favorite example of a sober lie...
A neighbor called and he has a fishing boat. He asked my hubby if he wanted to go fishing the next day. He told him he could not go because he had several yards to mow. When he hung up I asked him which yards he had to mow. His answer was he jsut had not bought a fishing license this year yet.

To me the truth woudl have been just as easy to tell the neighbor as making up the stupid lie.

Another one of those times I have to jsut let go and accept that is the way he is.
LIN

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