The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It brings back a flood of memories. We tried counseling sessions too. It went about as well as yours did
But it sounds like you have a rock to cling to, the knowing that it's going to be okay, whatever you decide, and that's great! That inner calm is trust in action. God is going to take care of YOU, and God is going to take care of HIM. Maybe together, maybe not. Either way, all is well. That's my experience.
We went to see many counselors and looking back, I know my motive was to find someone to force him to wake up so that we could go on and live happily ever after, that was the expectation I had in my head. We hired five and we fired 5, haha!
Today, I know of course, that nobody has the power to force someone wake up. Nobody. We are all powerless over alcohol, even professionals. We either want to personally wake up, or we don't. Today, I understand his anger, how would YOU feel if your wife found a counselor friend and the two decided you were unacceptable and you had to change? If I don't think anything is wrong with me, I'd be angry and defensive too, I really would!! It frustrated me so much that he wouldn't recognize anything because *I* held a belief that we needed to be on the same page for me to move on and be happy, *I* was the one whose thoughts needed to be analyzed. Because my thoughts were making me miserable.
Eventually, I admitted my complete and utter defeat. which is step one. Admitting powerlessness is the bedrock for recovering our sanity. If I'm holding expectations and my expectations are not fulfilled, it leads to resentment. There is no serenity when I'm carrying resentment.
Surrender doesn't mean we failed, or we lost power. Quite the opposite, we allow a Power greater to move in.
What would it look like if you dropped the thought that he needed to change?? For me, I enjoyed writing that out in great, delicious detail, that's when life began to FEEL good again and the universe seems to respond to that, I wrote page after page...
All is well ((my friend)) thanks for the reminder
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 12th of September 2012 12:19:51 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hi all! AH and I have had 2 sessions of marriage counseling and they did not go well. NO surprises there, at least not for me. AH is surprised, though, and has decided we need to find a new counselor. He thought the first one was too pompous and that he used John Gottman's books too much to explain our problem. He complained that the counselor didn't give us any tools for communicating. I was really good in the conversation, I just agreed and told him I'd find someone else as he requested.
He still doesn't get the fact that therapists can't work with someone who is unyielding and not in recovery for their alcoholism. I just wish this counselor would have been honest with AH and told him that in the first place. So, on to therapist number 2. I felt a HUGE sense of relief during our last session. AH had just screamed at me in the room and the counselor had to force him to apologize and while they were discussing the worthiness of that apology I just sat there and felt this peace and calming come over me. It was like I was totally detached from what was going on and I could have cared less whether he apologized or not. I swear I heard a voice (in my head) say, "You don't have to live like this. You have choices and you don't have to make changes today. Just now that it will be OK." So, even though I came out of there in tears, I knew they were tears of relief as much as they were tears at realizing just how sick my AH is. His rants and complaints and condemnations against me were absurd and all from YEARS ago. He complained about how I didn't want to give to church way back 13 years ago when we were broke. When the therapist brought up the drinking and the Paxil, he turned it on me and got angry at me for caring about him and the way he was abusing alcohol while taking psychiatric medication(that was when the screaming started). And, when I challenged him and told him that I think he resents me, he got indignant and said, "No, I am not." Ummm, everything he said in that room was anger and resentment aimed at ME. Gotta love the honesty. And, as for my part in all of this. I made a concerted effort to stay in the present and recent past. Just trying to get AH to recognize the pain that his drinking caused the family and trying to express my reservations about trusting him in the future until he gets real help. I didn't mudsling, I didn't bring up stuff from 10 years ago, and I worked really hard to NOT react. Anyway, thanks everyone for the support here. I'm learning a lot from my own therapist, but I also learned from that marriage counselor, too. I am grateful for all the lessons my HP is teaching me today because it's making me a stronger person and I couldn't ask for a better blessing than that!
I was just thinking about you today I'm so glad you posted. Hugs!!!! Sending love and support, keep walking the walk, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Glad Lee, thank you for the reminder that I need to drop the thinking that he needs to change. Honestly, though, it's just that I would love it if we both could change back to before the drinking got started. I guess it's just wishful thinking.
I think what the problem for me is; if I drop the expectation that he change then I realize that I don't like who he is today and that I am not sure I want to stay married to him at this point. I guess that's where fear sets in. I know that he'd stay married to me forever but I don't want to live the next 30 years with someone who isn't capable of tending to their side of the street while I tend to mine. I can't do BOTH sides of the street but AH keeps baiting me to do his work for him. It's not a pleasant way to look at my future and I guess I figure that if I hold onto some sort of dream that he will grow up and become emotionally available then maybe we have a shot at healing for both of us.
I have admitted powerlessness, and I do so daily. I guess I just cling to hope and pray that God(my HP) guides us both through healing and recovery together. I guess I'm feeling very alone in my recovery. My AH has said that he wants his wife back, he resents my new Al Anon friends and my therapist, and he just wants sex again. Not sure how that's supposed to help us get closer or mend any fences at this point, his resentments make it tougher for me to work my recovery when he glares at me every time I leave for a meeting. I am still working on dropping my own resentments, they seem to creep up daily and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Anger and resentment are fighting for power in my heart and I work hard daily to push those things out with surrender and prayer to my Higher Power.
ilovedogs, I am in what sounds like a very, very similar situation. I too, have had a lot of anger and resentment. I can tell you that today, it is waaaay better than it was 6 months ago, and worlds better than a year ago, which is when I got into Al-anon. Honestly, I can't tell you one or two things that dissapated my anger. I truly believe that a lot of it comes down simply to time. Over time, you take care of yourself, work the program and time heals. I know that at times when I'm feeling very angry and resentful are days that I should not make decisions, and I should avoid having conversations with my husband and I'd better get to a meeting and/or call someone. It IS a daily struggle, for sure. You are correct. Something that does help me is when I turn the anger and resentment into good by telling myself "he is NOT allowed to devastate me" and "regardless of what he does, I refuse to let it ruin my life- I will live a good life".
I too am in that terrible position where my husband is in denial. The consequences of his drinking just aren't stopping and he's still not hitting any kind of bottom. Personally, I don't feel I can hold out any longer. It's sad, and not fair to either of us for me to be waiting around hoping he'll be someone he's not ready to be, may never be ready to be, and probably isn't capable of being anyway. I can't accept him as he is now, and although I would hang in if he actively sought sobriety- I can't turn that into an ultimatum either. I try to live day by day, minute by minute and not make any life changing decisions. I wait, and deal with each situation as it comes but I did tell him this week that I have a bottom line, and I have to set boundaries because of the impact his drinking has had on me and the kids AGAIN as of recently. That boundary is not drinking in our house and not drinking around us. Not telling him not to drink, I don't tell him what to do. How he thinks we can maintain that and legitimately have a marriage- I have no clue. Hang in there, and I will too and KEEP coming back :) Please also share your ESH with me. Thanks :)
Now he has better ideas that Gottman - the leading marital therapy expert. I suppose your husband's book will be out next month lol. Perhaps it will be called "Somebody moved my cheese and it wasn't me, it was my wife who has all the problems. Don't tell me anything other than I am great and that I am right."
I bet it will be a best seller lol. Seriously though. For therapy to work, a person has to have some humility. They have to be willing to say "Hrm. I never thought of it that way. Maybe you are right and I'm wrong." If that isn't there...it's a waste.
ILD - I went to an AA meeting tonight and the subject was emotional maturity. The generally consensus was all of us were severely lacking and thought the world revolved around us during our drinking days and it is still something that needs to be worked on well into sobriety.
I've heard it said in Alanon that our higher power gives us lessons. If we don't learn a lesson, our higher power keeps sending us the lesson until we get what the lesson is. Sounds like from your share you are finding your answers and coming to terms. Thanks for sharing your update and good work taking care of yourself. Hugs
TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Pinkchip, actually one of the things he said while in counseling was that everyone else in humanity is stupid and that he's not(yes, he's said that to me before but I didn't think he had the b*lls to say it to someone else!). He also still stuck by his comments about how I'd call him a rapist and claimed that all white men in America think they're going to get called out on rape.
Humility?? I saw none of that while in counseling. It's funny because when he writes his emails to me he does have some humility come out but when he's face to face all I get is anger, contempt, and complaining. I know we all have trouble admitting when we're wrong and he will sarcastically admit to it when I've gently pointed out a wrong in the past, but he really does have a sick desire to be right all the time and to not back down from what he said no matter how absurd it sounds. I know I like to be right, too, and can get pretty uncomfortable when someone points out I've said something a bit off the wall, but I usually back down and change my stance or apologize, etc. AH used to be like that years ago, he was quick to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Once the drinking got started, apologies don't come as often anymore. It's like the alcohol is rotting his apology center in his brain, LOL.
Tiredtonite: Thank you for the reminder that we should all learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them. Honestly, that's one of my goals is to take the lessons from HP and use it well with new understanding and serenity so that I can gently remind myself how mistakes are meant to teach us something. What am I learning about me these days and how can that benefit me in the future?
