Anniversary this weekend - Al-Anon Family Group

Country Boy · Veteran Member

Anniversary this weekend

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

These are the hardest moments, I hope you are able to find a meeting and have a sponsor because it really helps. The book Getting Them Sober is a big help as well, Toby Rice Drew (or Toby Drew Rice I get confused on that one!).

Sometimes the distance is the clarity I have needed to realize that for me staying wasn't an option. I'm to much of a meddler to keep my hands out of my stbax's (non) recovery while living in the same house. I need to have the separation so I can get better. It also can do the opposite and give people the knowledge and willingness to continue in the relationship. There are lots of great people on the boards who are still in those relationships and they work. They can see past the disease and remember the person who is there and it gives the other person the opportunity to find sobriety on their own. They are able to find their boundaries, stick to them and continue to live a great life regardless if the A in their life is drinking or not.

I heard a great share today and I realized something .. the A in my life has been my hobby and to some extent continues to be, although I have found ways to distance myself it is very easy to get sucked into thinking ahhh .. this is it they are finally going to see my way if only I do (fill in the blank). Those are not realistic thoughts or feelings on my part and in doing so I create my own pain and chaos. I just can't live like that and at this point my program is not strong enough for me to get better and for him to get better without me doing HP's work. Again .. distorted thinking on my part. Not to mention there's a whole lot of neither of us want to be in said relationship.

The best shot he's got at getting sober is for me to give him to his HP and step out of the way. It also is the best shot I have of continuing to choose recovery. Focus on myself, stop making excuses for him, and stop expecting him to be something he isn't. The whole expectation thing is big .. he's not normal nor will he be if he continues to do what he's doing. It really doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do because I need to keep that focus on me and what am I going to do or not do.

Just for today I am giving my STBAX over to his HP and I am stepping out of the way. The weekend is way to far away for me to even start plotting and planning as to what God's will may or may not be .. I am right where I need to be for today. Plus there is always the added bonus of when I start forcing my will there is a whole mess of things coming my way .. lol. I laugh because it is rock solid truth for me.

Keep coming back,

Hugs P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

ouch. It doesn't come to us overnight to be able to be compassionate about them being sick. Plus every a is different. Yep we call it the disease sucks us dry.

I invite you to ask yourself, what makes me stay in this house with her?She is insane you know. The lack of water to her brain and all her organs makes her totally unhealthy. She cannot work on anything.

We do not think like an A does. She may not even remember your conversation. They are totally about the drug. Hers being alcohol. When you were talking she was not listenting or understanding what you were saying. What would make you believe she would work on anything? YOU. You guys are not even in the same time zone hon.

We see them there, but it is so hard for us to realize, becuz it is so horrible, they are not there. That person who we fell in love with is gone. As they continue to use, the more damage there is. Her body is being destroyed by the alcohol.

What is making you "celebrate" something that is not there? What inside you does not just make plans to go do something you would like to do? I am working on focusing on you.

She cannot fill any need for you. Look how the disease treats you. It is insane of us to think they can do anything or think anything like a non A person.

Her first thought was the furniture. Your thoughts were be apart to look at the relationship and what you can work on. How opposite is that?

She shows she does not love herself by continuing to drink, she cannot take care of herself. I bet she could not keep a plant alive, so what makes you think she could keep a marriage alive?

Again I sure relate to your wanting her. I had to make myself not call my A when he was gone. I loved him so much. It was horrible realizing this was him under the influence of his disease, and he does not love me or care.

You say you share nothing. So I invite you to look at her as is. What is it about you that you are banging your head against a tree,still trying to get this disease to care? It does not care. All it knows is you provide a place for her to come home to. To shower, get feeling better and go back to the bar or go buy more booze.

Did you read getting them sober, volume one by toby rice drews. or drew cannot remember forgive me my fingers are frozen. All of a sudden it has turned cold up here in the mountais!

Of course you are lonely. You know that saying we have about going to the hardware store for a piece of bread? She is the hardware store. she has nothing to give you that you want. I would be all pretty, smelling nice and smiling if my husband wanted to be with me, even if it was watching a movie on the couch!

What is in you that allows the disease to tear down your self esteem?

Who know what she is doing. So think about what she may be bringing home to you.

I tend to be tough and tell people to get off their pity pot, lovingly, and figure out what YOU are going to do. You would be lonely in a room full of nice people. I know I had to get comfortable with myself with out him before I could love anyone else. You are still wanting that which is unobtainable.

I am soooo glad you are still here. It's great you came here and vented. that is part of your progress.

Maybe you need to go fishing more! sending love and hugs, debilyn

Country Boy · Veteran Member

Wow Debilyn, I feel like you have cameras in my house! How did you know about the dead spider plant?

I have been REALLY struggling with accepting the disease & how it affects her (& me). I KNOW a lot about it, but have not been able to genuinely accept it. It is so hard to look at the same person you've known for nearly 20 years & have some one else's words come out of their mouth. See someone who used to care for you & have this imposter seemingly intentionally try to hurt you. I guess I haven't been so successful at keeping the focus on myself. I've been getting better, but it's so hard to ignore the button pushing.

I eased up on the separation talks because it was getting very ugly & steam rolling towards divorce. Told her if she had any other suggestions I'd LOVE to hear it. After all, wouldn't it be easier to make things work? So that's where "working on our marriage" came from. Also I have to have peace of mind knowing I did everything I could, short of destroying myself & just living in misery forever & ever. I find myself wondering if she is worried about the marriage ending, or losing her warm place to sleep with built in cook/house cleaner/bill payer. I don't know how it will end up (more will be revealed), but I know I am not ready to divorce today. I am taking steps. I need to get myself better but find it hard living with this disease.

When I hear bout the book "getting them sober", all I can think of is, "I don't want her sober, it'll be easier to leave her if she's not. It will just keep me here long enough to set me up for another big fall & i'll have so much more of myself invested only to get hurt even worse". How's that for honesty?

Salmon are starting to run here in the great lakes, so yes, fishing will become a priority!

Thank you,
Country Boy

Auntyaya · Senior Member

Just had to say something about your comment" it'll be easier to leave her if she's not (sober)" My exAH was sober for 7 months when I left...I knew I didn't like him when he was drinking..but what I discovered is that I didn't like him when he was sober..I guess I just didn't like the guy! Of course we were going throught the whole dry drunk scenerio...ugh...However, my sense of loyalty is very strong and I stayed as long as I could...when I left, I felt a wash of peace come over me..must have been my HP reinforcing my choice....

Trust yourself....and do what you think is right for you...we do tend tol ose ourselves in the chaos of alcoholism..

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

Wow! So many things in this post that are heartbreakingly true.

Country Boy, I can so relate to everything you wrote even down to the anniversary thing. I left my husband the week of our 26th anniversary. He came over to my parent's house where I am staying and threw a card at me because I didn't come over to the house to get it the minute he called to tell me he had it for me.

Debyiln, I cried when I read the part about the person we love not being in there. I have read that type of comment so many times but today I really got it for the first time in my own experience with him so reading it tonight hit me in a totally different way.

Pushka, you are so right. Getting away from the daily insanity saved my sanity too.

Auntyava is also right. Sober doesn't mean life is great again. The depression and sadness were so hard to live with. I could have hung in there and gotten through it with him but his new and improved obnoxious personality traits didn't go away when the alcohol use stopped. Either I was tricked and he was drinking before I suspected his relapse or he is a jerk now, drunk or sober.

Greener Grass, so far I haven't found evidence of drug use or cheating. Thank God! This is enough.

Appreciate all of you!!!

-- Edited by WornOutMrsFixIt on Tuesday 11th of September 2012 11:07:13 PM

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

Yes, like Debilyb said. They are not there. My stb ex ah started doing drugs ( without my knowledge) all I knew was he was acting crazier and crazier. Long story short I finally left when I knew he was still using and had some

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

Pretty good evidence of cheating. When I left he said that he was the only one working on the marriage and that I was the one who wouldn't change. Hello? How's that for crazy? Anyway, been there. It's hard and painful but I think it's also a process that HP is taking you through so you can come out on the other side. You will be a changed person from this, your relationship struggles, but I think that's a good thing. Who do you want to be? How do you want to feel? Take care of you!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I definitely related to your post. I wanted so so so very badly for things with my ex-A to work out. I wanted my ex-A to change. I felt that I tried everything to support and facilitate that change. The change "should" have happened....so I thought. I felt I deserved the ex-A to change. When it did not happen, it made me question my entire view on the world, on God....everything.

I believe what you are describing is a relationship that has gone toxic. It is turning your entire thought process and world view negative. It wasn't until I stepped out of the relationship and stopped trying so very hard to turn poison into something drinkable (which is a strange analogy given that alcoholic is/was a huge part of the problem) that I got some clarity.

Country Boy, I'm not telling you to leave, but I am telling you that you cannot change her into something she's not. This relates to Aloha's post....You cannot feel "for" her. You are carrying the love, caring, empathy, tenderness, loyalty, for both of you and that just does not work.

Thinking "I ought to care for her just like she had alzheimers" is not helpful to you because 1. It's not alzheimers and 2. Caring for an alcoholic usually turns into enabling and then it actually becomes an obstacle to them getting better because they never his a hard bottom when you are sticking pillows underneath them all the time. It's really tricky but you can care "about" them...but "for" them is usually not good.

When you feel lonely - try hard to stop looking at her to be the one to fix that. That is inevitably going to be a bread/hardware situation. I'm not suggesting infidelity, but go be around others. Make your own plans. Don't hold off on living for her. While you figure out what you want to do in this marriage, at least enjoy freedoms and relationships you do have. Nurture your spirituality and look for what it beautiful around you even in spite of this horribly ugly disease that is making your wife into a wreck. That's the best thing I can suggest. From there, you will be in stronger place to make all decisions.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.