Wondering if AH has really stopped... - Al-Anon Family Group

NCLadybug · Newbie

Wondering if AH has really stopped...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

HI and welcome,

I invite you to get this book, "Getting Them Sober" by toby rice drew,volume one. This will answer a ton of things for you.

What you are asking is a very deep question that we really need to have a foundation of education and knowledge of addiction.

Alanon teaches us his drinking is none of our business. We cannot control it anyway, and we are not their conscience or alcohol police. We are the people who love them.

We learn to love them and allow them the dignity of being and doing what they do. Whatever it is.

Learning how to live with them as is and be as happy as possible can be done to a point

we either do that or stay miserable or leave. simple as that. We cannot make them stop. Our sticking our noses in their disease makes it worse.

Addiction is a collection of symptoms like all disease. Just using a drug, alcohol is a drug, is not even close to the whole problem. Just becuz they stop using, almost makes no difference and can make it worse.

It can take a short time to come to this realization or a long time. It is up to us. For me, when I learned what a horrible illness it is, it made me so compassionate to my AHs feelings. I completely took myself out of his illness and learned to love him only. If he got mean or obnoxious, I just would say I am going to go read honey, or go watch tv, groom the horses whatever. I did this even when he was ok, so he never knew i was avoiding that other guy he became.

They do not choose to be an alcoholic. It's in their dna. If they drink, well of course they do, they are an A. Nothing to be surprised about.

Again the question is up to us to stay and make it as pleasant as we can, keep it as is and be miserable or leave.

Meetings are great, researching the disease is important, come here!

welcome, come back! much love, debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

You do not have to hurry to find an answer. If he is drinking, he won't be able to hide it long. It always accelerates and it will be perfectly clear.

Two or three weeks is very early to draw conclusions about whether he has a strong recovery. It tales a year or more for someone to get stable in recovery. If he is not drinking this week, that says nothing about whether he will drink or not drink next week or the week after. So there is no Definitive Answer. There is only one day at a time.

Keep on working on your own recovery and take good care of yourself.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Ladybug...scroll down to holivex's share on trust and get that feed back also. Trust is a reoccuring subject on this board...you're in the right place. Alcoholism isn't about good or bad it is about disease...an AMA registered class A disease. It is primary...not a symptom of something else and with symptoms and pathology all its own. The alcoholic will lie about drinking because for just one thing the alcohol owns him...it is primary and he has a compulsion to drink. AA members at times drink while going to meetings and they will lie about it there also. People in recovery groups regarding drinking also drink and lie about it. Lying is the consequence of fear, for me. They are afraid of lots of stuff and mostly hearing themselves say "yes I'm still drinking"...they know the problems alcohol is causing them and have not been willing to let go absolutely. It is a compulsion of the mind with an allergy of the body, addiction and craving and progressively worse never better. Even in the face of a DWI and fines and court and jail the addicted alcoholic will take the risk and drink. He's not a bad person, he's a sick person. If he doesn't arrest his disease by total abstinence he will face further insanity and death.

I noticed that you mentioned that "We" are on our third week of classes...be careful that you don't feel like a failure if he is still drinking. Yes you are also affected deeply by the disease. It affects everything it comes in contact with; however alcoholism is his primary disease and recovery from the compulsive drinking is his responsibility not yours. Al-Anon is for the spouses, family, friends and associates of someone who's drinking negatively affects them. I was deeply affected by the addiction of my alcoholic/addict exwife and found my way into the Al-Anon Family Groups where I came to understand and learned how to change the part I played in it. We play a part that is often called "enabling". We enable it to get worse never better. The hotline number for Al-Anon in your area is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that number and find the times and places we get togther in your area and then come early to get your seat there. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs)))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I was going to post a lot of the same things Jerry just posted. Careful not to own his disease. It's not a "we" thing..."He" has is and it's going to be up to him to get treatment and follow suggestions. If it's going to work, typically you see a radical change in a persons spirituality and the consequent actions that follow. In each time I have seen AA "work," the person has passed through a signficantly long period where they were all about recovery, soaking up recovery and doing whatever it takes to stay away from the 1st drink. That is how you know its for real....when you see a REAL recovery program in place. Right now you are describing someone that is trying only to please others (court and wife). That is not to say AA is not working on him slowly. They say if you go to enough AA, it will ruin your drinking.

This is where your alanon program comes in. You have to let go of the uncertainty and focus on yourself and what you are going to do regardless. All your strength, support, serenity, need not hinge on whether your husband drinks or not. Alanon can offer you tools to disentangle yourself from his sickness and proceed on being the most that you can be.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. I noticed the NC. If this is the state you are in here is the link for the NC Al-Anon meetings http://ncbermudaafg.org/index.php?pg=meetings&district=0

There is so much information here on the board and face to face meetings are wonderful. If you try one and it doesn't work don't give up.

I hope that you keep coming back!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.