The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One thing I want badly is to figure out how to forgive my exH and move forward on that. I"ve moved forward in my life in so many ways. I am so thrilled with my life, good and bad all together. I feel so strong in my decisions and taking care of myself and becoming the person I want to be. I am ever mindful of the fact that this process will never end and I welcome that.
When confronted with my ex in person I have a very real, very intense physical reaction to him. He can spiral my mood to the bottom in seconds. Well *I* do that of course. I become on edge, agitated, breathing/heartrate excellerate and I can't think. I literally feel like I'm going to throw up. NO ONE else in the world do I have this raection to. My exH and I have been divorced 5 years, going on 6 in a few short months. He was controlling, abusive to me and the kids, mean, nasty and just horrible to live with 24/7. He was not drinking when we married but he's got the "stinking thinking". He drinks now but refuses to admit he's an alcoholic. Just the normal "oh I need to cut back".
Anyway so I'm going to talk to my therapist about this but I'm thinking meditation might be good? How to I change that reaction? I just thought it was hate but this friend saw me and said "no you are physically reacting to him and you can really see it".
I agree that what we go thru is something very similiar to PTSD. When I just walk past someone that smells of booze, my gut goes into a knot and when my son was drinking, I'd go into some kind of zone that I can't explain other than I was in flight mode - not that I have any fear of my son but my father was abusive when drinking and I guess it's just my inner child that gets triggered.
The part I dislike is that while my thinking brain would like to interact with this person rationally - these reactions are difficult. I'm at the point where I've backed out of his life but he's still having trouble backing out of mine. So a reaction to something mundane like bringning in boxes of stuff that belongs to my kids resulted in the old feeling of "you are tresspassing in my life and again entering uninvited". The reality is, it was just necessary to get the boxes in but for several years post divorce he WAS forcefully entering my home and invading my space physically based on his twisted ideology that "my kids live here I can come and go as I please". Took me forever to get that to end but I still react to it.
I just want to stop reacting. I'll have to work with my therapist to see what kind of meditation or thoughts I can use to work through it. I do fine on the phone or email with him but near him I'm reduced to shutting down almost. Thing is, for years anytime he was angry he was so loud and scary it felt like being attacked. My kids report the same feeling. If you've ever seen a person in a psychotic rage, barely coherant, in your face, red faced, screaming/bellowing and backing you up - it really feels like a physical attack. So I "brace" for it. Anyway it was kind of an eye opener to realize part of what is going to hold me back from letting this go.
I had a similar reaction anytime my A would get angry. I did something called EMDR with my therapist and it really helped. Once I was able to overcome that panic reaction, it became much easier to detach from those situations.
PTSD is diagnosed by the presence of 3 clusters of symptoms 1. Reexperiencing the events/trauma in the form of flashbacks, nightmares, 2. Hypervigilance - meaining being on edge and constantly feeling tense and anxious about being re-traumatized, and 3. Avoidance - of things associated with the trauma. You might have unresolved trauma issues, without having a full blown PTSD diagnosis. All these things are on continua anhow so the label of PTSD is just a name for a process of reacting to trauma. EMDR and also Hypnosis are good interventions. Cognitive behavioral therapy can also help.
I've done the cognitive (still working with it) but I think the EMDR might be a good route. I've never been able to be hypnotized. I don't really care much about the label - I don't know about flashbacks, I don't think I have those but the other two for certain. I'd like to function better near him, we have 3 kids, youngest is 9, I've got many more years to deal with him.
(((C))) reread your original post as if you were someone else and then consider "flashbacks"...Not all flashbacks are conscious level...often they are sub-(below)conscious level or reactions without thinking about the trigger. You describe trauma from the past relationship with your ex-husband which was very real for you still. I suggest you do inventories on your perceptions and feeling of that past and see how much of it is still hanging on. Inventory the fear and fear levels you went thru and how much of that still plays around in your mind and memories. That you can feel physcially ill when he is present years after you have separated means you are not separated...you are still carrying him and giving him the power still to hurt you. Inventory it. Take your power back. When you allowed him to scare and intimidate you in the past, you were making a mistake and now that is over...end it. No one can harm you and steal your peace of mind and serenity without your permission and participation. Forgive yourself for allowing it to happen. I do. Good on all the recovery work you've done. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I consulted a homoeopath for my depression and anxiety, and she said that after years of living with the levels of stress and traumatic experiences that I endured, that I was suffering a mild form of PTSD. She put me on a course of remedies which help a little but I really need counselling to help me deal with the events of the past few years.
The way I deal with things is to fully understand them; the psychology of the person who has hurt me the most. Once I know where it stems from then I can accept, forgive and move forward. Without understanding I am lost and emotion takes over.
Jerry great words thank you! I am aware that this is giving him power and I need all the reminders I can get LOL. It actually took a full 4 years to stop being "afraid" of him but the reaction to him is still there. so I stand up to him if necessary, but as you noted - when he's in my presence I am bracing for potential "abuse". I agree I need to inventory and work to end this part. I thank everyone for input here. Ironically I just did not even realize I was doing this so the first step of being aware was great and now I know I can work through this as well.
A therapist has kicked around the PTSD diagnosis with me, too. I'm not so sure, because I don't really have the first cluster of symptoms that Pinkchip mentioned. But then there are times when I feel like it's dead-on right. Like when I practically start to cry at work because someone on the other side of the floor has opened a pop can, and for a split second I think it's a beer can (and oddly enough, when I'm home I can very easily tell the difference in the sound of a pop can opening and a beer can opening). At the very least, something is WRONG, and it is totally natural that something is wrong. Not very many people can live the way we have lived and not be traumatized by it.
True Stephanie - not many could. Interesting about the can - and thinking about the physical presence of my ex. He violates physical space as a means of control. When married he would grab me inappropriately all the time almost just to stake his claim. He would get right in your face when angry and be nearly an inch from you while ranting like a raging maniac. He would stop you from going somewhere and laugh. He used to corner the kids constantly and scare them. After the divorce he kept trying most of it (not the inappropriate touching, that would have gotten him a restraining order). Now it's my doorway. I NEVER invite him in. I want him on the porch and have told him this repeatedly and he just walks in. And I've confronted him once but it turns into (again, this is how he gets me to let it go) him making a scene, calling me names, scaring my kids and creating drama. So I've opted to ignore him when he comes in. I turn my back to him, walk away and make sure whoever or whatever he has to pick up is OUT immediately.
But yeah, if he is so much as 2 feet from me, I begin to react.
