The man has no human feelings. - Al-Anon Family Group

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

The man has no human feelings.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Diva,

It's not that those feelings aren't there .. it's just being a basic human being, how we are all hard wired. Some people addict or not just can't handle what it means to really feel for another person I'm sooo sorry you are going through this. That hate is all about deflecting and fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being hurt. When I read something like what you wrote it reminds me of how much pain another person has to be in for them to react to the world that way. It's sooooo sad.

In order to feel anything other than negative it also means having to take personal responsibility and own our part for things about us that aren't necessarially so nice. It's a really hard place to go if there are no coping skills to deal with that kind of intensity. An emotionally stable person can do just that and not have to go to extreme dysfunction of any kind to move through what they are processing emotionally. They respond vs react. People who aren't emotionally stable just can't do that, it all gets mucked up and they tend to react vs respond.

My STBAX has said some incredibly stupid hurtful things in the past couple of weeks that reminds me how he has to justify his poor choices and poor behavior. In his mind he's being "honest" .. it's called rationalizing, minimizing, there is no honesty attached to it. In listening to him and not responding to what he says I'm really understanding fully how sick he is .. even when I think I get it I am reminded even more so .. the thing is I can see him more as a child of God now and I can treat him accordingly. Meaning I can detach and it is easier to do. That's not to say I trust him, or he's my friend and so on .. he's not. He still lies, he still absolutely is untrustworthy, and no he's not whom I count on for emotional support. He can't give it nor does he want to really. It would mean way to much pain.

It does get better, hugs P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Usually the feelings are buried under years and years of maladaptive coping and using substances so as not to feel emotions.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH feels things for other people, but mostly it's just disdain or disgust. When I tried talking to him about it while in marriage counseling he went off about how stupid everyone else is and how he thinks all humans are ruining his life and ruining our country, blah, blah, blah. The marriage therapist finally had to reign him in and shut his rant down because AH could go on forever. I think they have lots of feelings, they just choose to vent the ones they are most comfortable with. Getting my AH to express positive emotions or real deep down feeling is like trying to get a cat to sit still for a bath. Ain't gonna happen or it's going to happen under so much protest that everyone else gets injured and scratched in the process, LOL!

I agree with Pinkchip here, years of coping and 'poor survival skills' does not help the A's express their real emotions. My AH still stuck by his rapist comments from last month when we were in therapy. He said that all white men in America think they are going to be accused of rape every time they have sex. That's normal! To which I replied, "I'm your wife! Hello??" Didn't matter, he was going to stick by what he said. He refused to deal with the real emotion underneath, which is most likely fear.

I'm right there with you on wondering how I've made it all these years. When I got out of therapy last week I was actually at peace and I was calm despite my tears. It was during that session that I realized that he was crazy and my craziness had developed from years of living with him. I am working on changing myself and it's not going over well with him at all. He is very threatened by Al Anon, etc. I hope that you find peace in Al Anon and sanity from coming here to MIP!

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I have never been an uncaring person; fact is I care deeply about others. I feel I am a well-adjusted woman, and I treat other people as I would hope to be treated. I appreciate your answers, and I thank you for them. But after all these years of dealing with a binge drinker, I am tired of having to learn what makes him tick. Whatever his problems are, and from whatever they stem, I am more concerned, at this point, about myself. Does that make me selfish and uncaring? Absolutely not. I am simply tired of him, his "disease", and the results of same. Why is it we, who are not addicts, need to be able to understand the addict? He has come close to destroying me; if I had not always been such a strong person, I'd be in a rubber room by now. But Diva survives; Diva gets up, dusts herself off, and goes on with grace and class. Isn't there something to be said for that instead of it all being about the drunk and what causes his problems?

Diva

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Diva, I too believe I am a caring person but I also think I have a lot of defenses. I put up walls because I've been hurt by my AH and I am totally with you in realizing it's time to take care of yourself. In learning more about the alcoholic, though, I have come to learn a lot about myself and about what makes me tick, too. You are a strong person and yes, there is a lot to be said for that!

InspiredPhotography · Senior Member

I can relate. Def. I agree. They were never taught proper coping skills. I noticed with my S/O it's not just him it's all the children. They are all having issues with life (in the same way!).

Today my S/O and I were talking and he said how his mom created a chart for good behaviour. It made him feel competitive against his brothers. He had no many Xs that it really didn't matter anymore. He wasn't good, always bad. It wore on his self esteem. He said I just gave up.

When he told me that, I realized he is a very damaged individual. Which is why even those things we have to have utmost care when disciplining our children. Not to break their spirit. I told him that.

Poor guy. I feel him. But just because of what has happened, how it effected him he still has to come into terms with all those "left unresolved issues" no matter how big, little or tiny they are. They all have their places in our minds, in files, subconcious or conscious....we all have to face and let it go.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes Diva, it should be about you right now. Though the post title was about him having no feelings...I to fall prey too much to pathologizing and over focusing on the alcoholics. I guess it may have been more helpful back you up on the clarity you are getting as you become more and more detached from him. That is about you and it's really positive.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

How did you manage Diva? He has been gone awhile now. So can you think back and see what emptiness you were trying to fill with keeping him there?

Or what did the A do for you? What do you find yourself missing or do you?

I was often surprised with all you put up with as I do see you as a very well accomplished, educated, independant woman.

Maybe you were wise to cont. until you were really sure your life would be ok without him in it. So what made you make the decision?

I know for me when people ask me questions it makes me think. Helps me. I hope this helps you look into yourself more.

Love how you like to clean your house. I love to do that then go outside and look in and see how cute my little cabin is. Nothing fancy but it is comfortable. Are you finally comfortable in your own home? I am sure your animals are MUCH calmer. Do you see a difference in them?

I tell you my animals are totally mellow and calm now. Do you feel whole with out him?

So glad you are still here at MIP.

Also gotta say you are strong when it comes to people being abused, you will not put up with it period. Maybe you finally looked at yourself and realized you were being abused by this horrible disease.

Sending you hugs and love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.