The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This seems to be a pattern lately. We go somewhere, party, lakeside fire, etc, as a family and I come home with my child and somtimes others while the drinkers party the night away. Its odd..when I get home, I LOVE the peace and quiet and the responsibility of caring for and putting kids safely to bed. But, when I step back and "look things over" I feel at odds. I think what a strange lifestyle this is, I wonder if my kiddo is being scarred...damaged somehow by this strange pattern. The good...there is no fighting. He does the night his way, I do the nite my way...but its odd. Part of me could care less what he is doing and im just grateful to be able to go home early. The other part of me is struck with how strangly I have learned to live within the walls of an alc marriage. Im not sure I wil ever accept it...i always struggle with guilt, with wondering if this is "it" for my married life...me doing the responsible thing...him being the AH. I worry about what my eight year old thinks and I wonder what this is doing to her in the long run. She sees two parents together but strangly seperate. I realize im rambling...i think its the guilt, the flood of worrisome thoughts, the silence in the house, the thought of the hangover we will be subjected to tomrrow....on and on. Just needed to share. The mom in me needs to know others are out there that get it
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I understand all too well, and after years of being alone most nights I decided I could not live like this any more. We fought though because I could not accept being in a marriage where I got to be the parent 24/7 and he had is separate lifestyle. I had those exact thoughts: "so is this my life for the next few decades?" I decided NO. Mainly because I did not want my daughters growing up and learning that it is ok for a man to treat a woman like that... I felt like I was condemning my daughters to this very existence and the thought of that really gave me the strength to make a decision. My AH has been in rehab for 33 days now and the calm predictability of my life is very soothing. I am beginning to miss him now and am really looking forward to starting our new life together.
I do get it. Responsiblity thing is hard in any case. You feel sometimes you just want someone else to take the reins for a while. Not forever just for a bit. Until we regain our footing. Moms aren't superheros! LOL we try to be. I think it is healthy that you do not subject your child to you being gone and partaking in that. Your child has stablitiy. Even though your AH desires to drink. You are being the strong one. She will see that. Hugs to you.
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
